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I swear some people overthink everything. If the human race ceases to exsist, it will be because we think about every situation and every scenario, instead of actually experiencing life as it comes to us.
I, being the 25 year old appreciate this. All I can say is YES it does matter when we have kids. There are numerous studies on the affects of having children later. After 35 years old the risk of Downs Syndrome DOUBLES. Be smart. We got married at 21 and 22 and we are doing well educationally and financially but we will wait until it's all done or I'm 28. Because we want 3 kids, so yes it is important think about these things.
The risks increase with age, but with a risk assessment of 1 in 350, the odds are still in the mother's favor. The majority of babies born with Down syndrome are born to mothers below the age of 35 because these women make up the larger demographic of women having children. I was 23 when my first son was conceived, and guess what? He had Down syndrome, although for him, his heart defects, were fatal. My chances of conceiving another child with Down syndrome increased by 1%. My risk assessment when I was pregnant with my second son, several months later, was 1 in 380. I was not the least bit concerned about whether he'd have Down syndrome. I was most concerned about whether he would live.
Risks for a lot of things increase for a variety of reasons. However, I don't think there should be a huge imperative for one to "settle" simply to avoid the increase in these risks.
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It's selfish to chance having a developmentally disable kid or kill yourself for education or money.
This is hyperbole, right? It must be, because it's completely nonsensical and obtuse for it not to be.
I swear some people overthink everything. If the human race ceases to exsist, it will be because we think about every situation and every scenario, instead of actually experiencing life as it comes to us.
I swear some people overthink everything. If the human race ceases to exsist, it will be because we think about every situation and every scenario, instead of actually experiencing life as it comes to us.
Well hold on, now you have downgraded from "soul mate" to "appropriate partner" - finding an appropriate partner is something everyone should do. Any woman who wants to have children can and certainly should find an appropriate partner while she is fertile. It's when you are searching for a soul mate that you suddenly reach your mid to late 30s and beyond and find yourself scrambling. The notion of a soul mate is a myth.
Well, I'M actually NOT downgrading at all, because I've never in my life used the words "soul" or "mate" together, not on this thread, or anywhere else. Anyhow, I didn't understand that you were essentially just protesting the waiting around for a fairytale. I can get behind that. But it's not what I'm talking about.
The reality is that some of us don't meet an appropriate partner when we are young adults. Personally, I was never scrambling for a spouse, not in my twenties, not when I got married. I didn't put marriage on hold for school or career, I just lived my life (and, yes, finished school and began a career). I dated throughout my twenties, though none I'd have married, and certainly not at that stage of life. I never focused on career to the exclusion of family. I happened to meet my husband when I happened to meet husband. It doesn't affect my hope that we can raise a family together, simply because we didn't meet and marry at 23 (or whenever is the universally agreed upon approved time to wed and/or procreate).
I'm aware, and always have been aware, that conception can be difficult as one ages. In my immediate family, for all my siblings, conception has proven to be difficult at a variety of ages...not news to me. Because of my professional background in special education, I'm also aware that a great number of women have children in their upper thirties without complications. In my own family on both maternal and paternal side, there is a rather high incidence of women for several generations back giving birth in their early forties, to no ill effect, and most went through fairly late menopause...my mom was still having periods well into her fifties. What will be will be. I can't really sit around and cry that I met my husband when I was 35 instead of twenty, and poor me, I'll consequently never have kids, and I shouldn't have been so stupid and held out for the fairytale, shouldn't have turned potential fathers of my children down left and right because I was too busy getting myself educated and being a "career woman"...because I didn't. All I've ever done is take life as it comes and live it. I'm probably not the only one.
Well hold on, now you have downgraded from "soul mate" to "appropriate partner" - finding an appropriate partner is something everyone should do. Any woman who wants to have children can and certainly should find an appropriate partner while she is fertile. It's when you are searching for a soul mate that you suddenly reach your mid to late 30s and beyond and find yourself scrambling. The notion of a soul mate is a myth.
One can have many soul mates in their lifetime, if they're inclined to believe in such, so where's the myth?
When I was in my 20s, I would not even consider getting married or starting a family. I had a good education and a good job that I enjoyed, and I liked being single and childless. I got married at 34. Still childless, still happy. We are considering having children in the next few years, but that is not something you rush into IMO, you should wait until you're good and ready. I feel like not having children and wishing I had would be less regrettable than having them and resenting them. That being said...
If you are 21 and being a mom is your biggest dream in life and you've found a suitable partner with whom to raise kids, then by all means go for it. I worked with a lot of women who had their kids very young (usually by accident) but they seemed to be happy enough. Some of them went back to school when the kids were old enough to take care of themselves while mom studied. So to say your opportunities are stunted because you had kids young is just not true. In fact, my mother did this and she got her MBA the year I graduated high school and my sister graduated college. I can't say it wasn't hard for her, but she now has a fulfilling, extremely well-paid and secure job which she will keep until she decides to retire.
Also, I'd like to point out that the studies that people quote on the fertility of older women are highly flawed. For starters, they are based on birth records from the 1800s, and these records don't even cover if the women under study were TRYING to get pregnant. How many women over 35 in the 1800s were trying to get pregnant do you think? I have lots of friends who have had kids after 35, and many more who couldn't or needed fertility treatments at a much younger age. Chances are, the woman that got pregnant at the drop of a hat at age 24 would have also gotten pregnant at 38 but wasn't trying then. And the woman who didn't start trying until she was 38 and had difficulty may not have been able to get pregnant at 24 but she wasn't trying then. Obviously if you got accidentally pregnant at 24, you're not going to be trying again at 38, so the numbers on aging vs. fertility are already skewed towards infertile women. It's difficult to get a good control group on age and pregnancy, but the more recent studies out there suggest that getting pregnant over age 35 isn't as rare and difficult as conventional wisdom has led us to believe. I'm not going to argue that it's not harder at 35 than 25, just that I wouldn't write it off as rare or extraordinary.
Do what you want. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. You'll never know the path not taken, so no need to worry about it.
You are free to do whatever you would like with your life. I'm beyond happy with the choices that I have made but I would never presume to say what would make someone else happy. If you want to have an arranged marriage and have children at 20 - you are free to do so. I'm not sure why you are trying to argue with me when all I'm saying is that people should make the decisions that are best for them.
I married for love and we had our children when we were ready. These were the choices that were best for me.
Happiness is a different subject - I never said anything about happiness. I don't know why you are trying to argue with me when all I have merely been advocating for speaking the truth regarding fertility so that young women can make a proper decision for themselves. The truth is NOT a scare tactic as you said earlier.
When I was in my 20s, I would not even consider getting married or starting a family. I had a good education and a good job that I enjoyed, and I liked being single and childless. I got married at 34. Still childless, still happy. We are considering having children in the next few years, but that is not something you rush into IMO, you should wait until you're good and ready. I feel like not having children and wishing I had would be less regrettable than having them and resenting them. That being said...
If you are 21 and being a mom is your biggest dream in life and you've found a suitable partner with whom to raise kids, then by all means go for it. I worked with a lot of women who had their kids very young (usually by accident) but they seemed to be happy enough. Some of them went back to school when the kids were old enough to take care of themselves while mom studied. So to say your opportunities are stunted because you had kids young is just not true. In fact, my mother did this and she got her MBA the year I graduated high school and my sister graduated college. I can't say it wasn't hard for her, but she now has a fulfilling, extremely well-paid and secure job which she will keep until she decides to retire.
Also, I'd like to point out that the studies that people quote on the fertility of older women are highly flawed. For starters, they are based on birth records from the 1800s, and these records don't even cover if the women under study were TRYING to get pregnant. How many women over 35 in the 1800s were trying to get pregnant do you think? I have lots of friends who have had kids after 35, and many more who couldn't or needed fertility treatments at a much younger age. Chances are, the woman that got pregnant at the drop of a hat at age 24 would have also gotten pregnant at 38 but wasn't trying then. And the woman who didn't start trying until she was 38 and had difficulty may not have been able to get pregnant at 24 but she wasn't trying then. Obviously if you got accidentally pregnant at 24, you're not going to be trying again at 38, so the numbers on aging vs. fertility are already skewed towards infertile women. It's difficult to get a good control group on age and pregnancy, but the more recent studies out there suggest that getting pregnant over age 35 isn't as rare and difficult as conventional wisdom has led us to believe. I'm not going to argue that it's harder at 35 than 25, just that I wouldn't write it off as rare or extraordinary.
Do what you want. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. You'll never know the path not taken, so no need to worry about it.
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Originally Posted by GraciousVox
Happiness is a different subject - I never said anything about happiness. I don't know why you are trying to argue with me when all I have merely been advocating for speaking the truth regarding fertility so that young women can make a proper decision for themselves. The truth is NOT a scare tactic as you said earlier.
You believe the things you read - I think they are spinning things with out giving you all the facts. At the end of the day - if it is this important to you to have children in your 20's - you should do so.
And I don't believe that happiness is a different subject. When contemplating starting a family - happiness should be a the root of everything.
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