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The pre-requisites have never existed for me, which is just as well.
Stepka: Wow. I'm bi (although its proving more convenient to identify as gay), and your situation is both deliciously evil yet tinged with sadness. Even under the best possible circumstances, when a married man comes out, a great deal of damage happens. Quite frankly, I don't think you did anything wrong, and if the sex made you feel physically and emotionally better, then more power to you.
Your ex sounds like an ass, but it's not unheard of. These men come out in their 40s, divorce (often after cheating with other men) and expect a second adolescence. The worst then are embittered by the realities of life: they're not 23 and can't compete for the 20-somethings against the other 20-somethings in the dating/bar scene, their kids still expect a father, and mom is still rightfully entitled to alimony/child support. Both the husband and wife cannot help but feel a sense of having wasted their lives. Having had children significantly complicates the emotions, as one has a hard time accepting that the "wasted time" feeling isn't necessarily invalidated by "we had kids". On your husband's side, allow me to say that it isn't easy to desire what you can never have, especially after trying to shake off those feelings. That doesn't justify a damned thing, of course.
{{{LS Jaun}}} {{{iknowftbll}}} Aww, you guys are the best online forum friends a girl ever had!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amelorn
The pre-requisites have never existed for me, which is just as well.
Stepka: Wow. I'm bi (although its proving more convenient to identify as gay), and your situation is both deliciously evil yet tinged with sadness. Even under the best possible circumstances, when a married man comes out, a great deal of damage happens. Quite frankly, I don't think you did anything wrong, and if the sex made you feel physically and emotionally better, then more power to you.
Your ex sounds like an ass, but it's not unheard of. These men come out in their 40s, divorce (often after cheating with other men) and expect a second adolescence. The worst then are embittered by the realities of life: they're not 23 and can't compete for the 20-somethings against the other 20-somethings in the dating/bar scene, their kids still expect a father, and mom is still rightfully entitled to alimony/child support. Both the husband and wife cannot help but feel a sense of having wasted their lives. Having had children significantly complicates the emotions, as one has a hard time accepting that the "wasted time" feeling isn't necessarily invalidated by "we had kids". On your husband's side, allow me to say that it isn't easy to desire what you can never have, especially after trying to shake off those feelings. That doesn't justify a damned thing, of course.
Amelorn, you are amazing--you just expressed beautifully everything that I was feeling (and that the ex was feeling as well) and said it so much better than I ever could have. Esp like this part: "your situation is both deliciously evil yet tinged with sadness." I thought about that and how it's so right, and what I think is that my life felt like it was so out of control at that point--I trusted no one and no thing anymore and this was kind of a way of taking back control, however limited.
Also, just days before the ex came out he pulled me aside and told me that he was no longer attracted to me and he was sure it was my weight. I smelled a rat b/c I'd been fatter and he'd not complained, and I'd been thinner but he'd not noticed. Still, like a gullible bunny I told him that I would really work to get it off and planned to join a gym right after the holidays. So you know what happened then . . . and I did join the gym and I went from feeling like a fat frump to feeling kind of sexy for the first time in years. Fortunately it's not over yet, even with cancer lol, but back then I just felt ugly. You guys have really helped--it's only going to my head in that it's helping repair a very damaged self esteem.
So Hooplaman, yes I suppose I was bragging, but not in the way you think. I was kind of proud at the time b/c I felt that I'd gotten some of my swag back and b/c no one got hurt. I never did try to hit up the ex for more money in the divorce agreement. Money is not my weakness but guess what is? I keep it pretty well under control though lol, but not quite Mary Poppins. (Course we don't really know what ole Mary did on her days off, eh? ) Oh and did I mention the visuals that go with something like this?
Anyway folks, I'm pretty much over it so don't know why I brought it up except there must have been something in there that I needed to process--that's a thing that goes on for years I guess. I love you guys--even mean old hoopla! mwah
You rationalized your behavior though, makes me wonder what you would do if we were dating and we had an argument. Would you go bang the pool boy?
No I'd go bang the cook so I could have something good to eat afterwards. This one is a drummer in a local band. I went to see the band once afterwards but didn't like the feeling of being in a select group of more than one woman that he could choose from to take home that night, lol. And for all you short insecure men--the man is 5'4" with shoes on.
On your husband's side, allow me to say that it isn't easy to desire what you can never have, especially after trying to shake off those feelings. That doesn't justify a damned thing, of course.
I wanted to reply to this too Amelorn. When he came out I saw that instantly--how much pain and stress he'd been feeling for years. My first emotion when he came out was relief (thank god it wasn't me and how fat I am), and then the empathy came pouring out. I truly felt bad for the man and fortunately I'm pretty liberal about all this stuff--what if I'd been a fundamentalist Christian? Our daughter had come out only 6 mo earlier so half my family came out in one year and I have been very supportive. It was a lot to process, but I have a lot of sympathy. So it wasn't anger at his coming out gay that spurred on this revenge sex, which actually took place 9 mo later. It was anger at the way he just cavalierly walked away and barely looked back, like he'd never loved me at all, which is probably true.
It was anger at the way he just cavalierly walked away and barely looked back, like he'd never loved me at all, which is probably true.
Gay, Bi or whatever reason this is the hardest part when our spouses announce they want to divorce. I think it would sometimes be easier if it was a bitter or abusive relationship so that we then could understand a logical reason.
From what I read, not sure you had revenge sex as much as just good ole fun for an evening. We are no longer kids and owe no explanations.
Go do it again. Don't get too old thinking you didn't get enough.
Me... I have regrets but I'm going to make the most of life after divorce. The freedom is very nice. A happy life is the best revenge.
Totally agreed. I'm having a blast these days going wherever I want to and dancing every weekend and have made lots of new friends.
I would bet your EX is still not a happy man. Best of luck.
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I keep it pretty well under control though lol, but not quite Mary Poppins. (Course we don't really know what ole Mary did on her days off, eh? 
) Oh and did I mention the visuals that go with something like this? 
