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My sentiments exactly. When deciding to take that step with someone my reasons for why would not include their physical traits or niceness.
On another point, some people suggest a couple date for X period of time until something "real" pops up as a way to gauge whether they're compatible in the long term.
"Dating" and what it looks like varies from couple to couple. People can date for years without experiencing moderate or major hiccups or they continue on in their "putting on an act/face" (best behavior, perhaps) until marriage or cohabitation. Heck, I've known people who dated for 2+ years before getting married/moving in, and then the "real" sh*t comes out or sh*t hits the fan. Since we can't possibly know what the future brings, time frames are arbitrary.
Absolutely.
When my husband and I had only been dating for a couple of months, I was diagnosed with a tumor and had to have it removed. It was the most terrifying thing that had ever happened to me, and I completely shut down at first, and told my "new" boyfriend that I knew he "hadn't signed up for all of this," and that I understood if he wanted to call it a day, he needn't feel obligated to stick around, come what may. Because we hadn't been together that long, and I didn't want him to feel like he had to play nursemaid, hold my hand through surgeries, take on any caregiving, etc., worst case scenario. After having that frank discussion in the hospital parking lot, I came home from work, and there was a card for me that he'd left, saying that he was, indeed "up for all this," and that life without me in it was unimagineable for him, his words. He was by my side coming through surgery, and we celebrated a benign diagnosis, thankfully.
We were only dating for a couple of months, and sh*t got real, and he showed what he was made of. When most couples are still doing giddy cloud nine stuff, we were staring down a potential cancer diagnosis together. He could have thrown up his hands and said, "Whoah, too much for me," and I wouldn't have blamed him. But he didn't. We might not have moved in together for five months or so, and we might not have gotten married for another year, but I knew then, when reality hammered stuff home, that he was the real deal. Living together, not living together, being married, not being married...nothing changes that. So, nah. I had no reservations about moving in with a guy like that eight months after meeting him. We always look at "The Boob Lump Saga" as the point at which we knew things were real. And we both would never want to go through it again, despite that.
Last edited by TabulaRasa; 03-06-2014 at 02:59 PM..
Yeah. I've never experienced an "OH, the HORRORS! Had I only known, I would NEVER HAVE MOVED IN!!!!" thing.
Eh. Everyone also swore up and down that "being married will be so much different than JUST LIVING TOGETHER."
So far, it's not. Except for better insurance. And more BAH. Oh, and commissary benefits!
Which is not to say that I don't value being married, I absolutely do. But it didn't change everything about our relationship magically, no. I do feel that our relationship is taken more seriously by others married, versus cohabiting...because it is taken more seriously by others. But that's not why we got married.
Exactly. I'm realistic about what's involved in married/cohabitation life. I know what's involved. I don't have a false sense of what it's like, nor do I romanticize and glamorize it. The warnings, while well-intentioned, do not apply to everyone in every situation. There are so many factors involved that make it impossible for me to say what's best for other people.
Unless there are serious differences, like one person is very untidy and the other is extremely tidy and a perfectionist, or general living habits, I can't see what the big deal is, honestly. I'm good at gauging and choosing a partner who is similar to me in those and many respects. And really, when you think about it, for those who work a standard 9-5 job, you're only around your partner, awake, for, what, 5 or so hours out of the day, if that? So, really, the "living together" comes down to the couple's living habits and quirks and other nuances. In my experience, unless that person is very different from me in most respects, there is rarely an issue with such things. Which is why it's important to properly screen for compatibility in a variety of areas and not just the standard "list" or criteria that many focus on in the beginning. I'm very much not the type to wait to concern myself with such things until later. It all matters, and matters right from the beginning.
Yes, we need to be on the same page regarding how the toilet paper goes on the roll.
you need not have refered to my " posting history " , I haven't posted anything much about myself in months so its a bit of a cheap shot on your part
I've been nothing but supportive of you, but the truth is your posting history is relevant here. You likely wouldn't even be dating this girl right now had you not listened to all the advice we gave you that after two dates, it's too soon to ask her to be your GF and take her to a fancy hotel.
I mean no disrespect, and I don't care how quickly anyone here else moved in together, but you just need to relax and enjoy these moments and stop trying to rush headlong into things simply because you're happy, in love, and it feels good.
As for my comments about putting your best foot forward, there comes a time when people start to relax and get more comfortable around each other, a little more real than in earlier days when life is rosey and you haven't even had a disagreement. YMMV.
an entirely negative response so I will pass on it
I will probably wait until next xmas to ask her but I don't agree that you need to be engaged to move in with someone , im not sure I ever want to get married
she asked me two weeks ago if kids were something I thought about long term , the question was asked within the context of us discussing her friend who had given birth the day before , I was a little taken aback but then I realised that women think about stuff like that more often , I replied my saying " its not something which is on my radar right now " , I don't believe she asked the question with reference to our relationship , I think she meant it in a broad sense , how I feel about it
im not sure I ever want kids so this is something I will eventually have to tell this girl
I don't think it is fair to this chick to ask her to move in with you WITHOUT being completely upfront with her about your stance on kids in the future.
Why not just be upfront with her and let her know that you don't really want them.
See how she responds and then take things from there.
I wouldn't rush to move her in just yet. Why not wait a few more months and see how things pan out?
Nobody ever went wrong by being a little more patient.
I don't think it is fair to this chick to ask her to move in with you WITHOUT being completely upfront with her about your stance on kids in the future.
Why not just be upfront with her and let her know that you don't really want them.
See how she responds and then take things from there.
I wouldn't rush to move her in just yet. Why not wait a few more months and see how things pan out?
Nobody ever went wrong by being a little more patient.
These things, kids/commitment, are things that should be discussed early on as to avoid wasting people's time. I knew before even talking with my BF where he stood on children, and I had a general idea about his thoughts on marriage prior to talking, and knew more within the first couple conversations. At this stage in my life there are things, fundamentals, that need to be discussed or gone over before becoming exclusive or serious.
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
596 posts, read 627,598 times
Reputation: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by blondiel
If I remember correctly, you mean New Year's Day, 2014, so you are a few days beyond the three month mark. Infatuation? Love?
If I were she, yeah, the move in question would totally freak me out. How long before move in? There is no right or wrong answer; however, for me it would be after the wedding.
Wrong. They've been together for 2 months and 5 days. -__-
OP, you do realize that crazy people can hide their crazy with 2 months???
Give it at least 8 months if you're that needy for attention and affection, on the hour, every hour...but anything earlier than that and well you have to begin to ask yourself, "how well do I really know this person?"
And Blondiel, I most definitely agree about the marriage thing. Sometimes, its best to appreciate each phase of life, without any hurry and rush.
Location: Somewhere in a Field of Hopes and Dreams
596 posts, read 627,598 times
Reputation: 683
Quote:
Originally Posted by Metaphysique
Exactly. I'm realistic about what's involved in married/cohabitation life. I know what's involved. I don't have a false sense of what it's like, nor do I romanticize and glamorize it. The warnings, while well-intentioned, do not apply to everyone in every situation. There are so many factors involved that make it impossible for me to say what's best for other people.
Unless there are serious differences, like one person is very untidy and the other is extremely tidy and a perfectionist, or general living habits, I can't see what the big deal is, honestly. I'm good at gauging and choosing a partner who is similar to me in those and many respects. And really, when you think about it, for those who work a standard 9-5 job, you're only around your partner, awake, for, what, 5 or so hours out of the day, if that? So, really, the "living together" comes down to the couple's living habits and quirks and other nuances. In my experience, unless that person is very different from me in most respects, there is rarely an issue with such things. Which is why it's important to properly screen for compatibility in a variety of areas and not just the standard "list" or criteria that many focus on in the beginning. I'm very much not the type to wait to concern myself with such things until later. It all matters, and matters right from the beginning.
Yes, we need to be on the same page regarding how the toilet paper goes on the roll.
I'm not married, but wouldn't the biggest difference be in the fact that your committed to one another!??
I mean people want to make a big fuse about how simple bf/gf relationships can be just as committed as a man and woman who are married but let's be perfectly real, it's much easier to pack up and ship out when you aren't married.
I'm not married, but wouldn't the biggest difference be in the fact that your committed to one another!??
I mean people want to make a big fuse about how simple bf/gf relationships can be just as committed as a man and woman who are married but let's be perfectly real, it's much easier to pack up and ship out when you aren't married.
There are indeed more legal entanglements that come with marriage. However, if in the case of quick marriages, assuming assets aren't involved, there's always an annulment. So if a couple dates for 6 months before getting hitched and realize after 9 months of marriage that it isn't working, well, there's an annulment process.
However, this is a concern for those who wish to or concern themselves with "losing" or being bled dry from the legal issues that come with divorce in many situations.
And one can pack up and move while in a marriage. There are many people who legally separate, live separately, before going through the legal process. They may have to wait to legally dissolve the relationship, at a point where they can deal with the legal issues that may come up.
Really, the "big" fuss are assets. People don't want to lose or part with their assets, which I understand. However, that isn't a situation that some face or deal with. It all goes back to each situation being an individual one. My ex-husband and I didn't have sh*t to our name when we married, and we divided what we did have after we separated. We didn't fight or fuss over what we split. We paid off most all debt when he received his military separation pay. Easy peasy. I didn't go after his retirement, and matters of child support would exist even if we didn't marry. Alimony was the only real matter we discussed, and while it wasn't a happy subject for him, he understands the situation. :shrug:
Really, for many, it has more to do with losing what is theirs during the legal process than any sort of warm fuzzy feelings toward the institution itself.
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