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Wrong reason to continue an unhealthy marriage, imo
It's really easy to say this, or "I'd walk away!!" or "Kill 'em!!"
But until you are in the situation, people have NO IDEA what they would actually do.
Since they do have kids, they are a family, which is totally and completely different from just an LTR. It is VERY hard to consider breaking up a family. Sure, people seemingly do it "all the time," but when it is YOUR spouse and YOUR life, you can't tell what your reaction would be.
OP, stop worrying about this guy and taking on his problems. You cannot solve this, and speculating about WHY he's doing what he's doing is futile. I totally get the hugging thing. He loves her!! And he's hurt! And the one person who could comfort him most, who is probably his best friend, is the one who hurt him. It SUCKS!!
Let him work this out in whatever way he needs to.
Being in that position myself I can say it hurts more than you know. Whatever your friend did (outside of either cheating himself, or physical abuse towards his wife) THERE IS NO JUSTIFIABLE REASON FOR ANYONE TO CHEAT!!! What he has to watch out for is the anger behind his wife's actions. He may also be angry at her boss (in my case my STBX is a V.P. in her company, and she is banging the IT guy.) He must be careful. He needs to let his feelings be known. He must get it under control now while its new. If he waits (like I did) he'll possibly have a meltdown and do something he will regret (like I ALMOST did).
First, the reason why it disgusts you so much isn't because of her actions, it is more about the fantasy you have of him where he is perfect in this scenario and the mother of his children is the devil when you explicitly said he was spending a lot of time talking to you and something about how he drops her off at work because he is so doting (which I read as controlling). He may not have physically cheated, but it sure sounded like an emotional affair.
Their issues are between them. She shouldn't have cheated, but as long as he knows and can choose his own path on what to do.... it shouldn't affect you so much. It seems like a divorce is inevitable if both parties aren't willing to work on things.
Find a more available man and end this friendship since it seems to only drag you down and you seem obsessed with wanting to "fix" it or understand why he is willing to forgive the wife as opposed to being with someone else (ie. yourself).
My fiance was cheated on by a woman who he had a child with who passed away. He was willing to forgive her because he thought the right thing to do was reconcile and have a family with this person. Then, she got pregnant by another guy while he was in Iraq when she claimed to have ended the affair. His reaction was a healthy hatred of her and to cut her out of his life moving forward. I could understand when you have a family with someone priorities can change.
It's really easy to say this, or "I'd walk away!!" or "Kill 'em!!"
But until you are in the situation, people have NO IDEA what they would actually do.
Since they do have kids, they are a family, which is totally and completely different from just an LTR. It is VERY hard to consider breaking up a family. Sure, people seemingly do it "all the time," but when it is YOUR spouse and YOUR life, you can't tell what your reaction would be.
OP, stop worrying about this guy and taking on his problems. You cannot solve this, and speculating about WHY he's doing what he's doing is futile. I totally get the hugging thing. He loves her!! And he's hurt! And the one person who could comfort him most, who is probably his best friend, is the one who hurt him. It SUCKS!!
Let him work this out in whatever way he needs to.
^^^This. Awesome post.
It is a waste of time trying to understand other people's choices, especially ones that have absolutely nothing to do with you. On the outside looking in, things can appear irrational but when it's not your life and your emotions, it's far too easy to judge what someone should do, or what the right thing is in the situation.
And having been cheated on as well, you really hit home with bolded comment about hugging. To be in such excruciating pain, and not be able to turn to the man I'd been with for 13 years, because he was the one that had caused it, it's something you can't even put into words.
To the OP, you need to refocus your life and move on without further contact with him. It's tough to cut someone off cold turkey, but it is best in the long run.
men love women more than women love men. another fact.
And they say, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." Pffft, Hell haven't met the scorned husband chasing down the wife's lover with the loaded 12 gauge. LMFAO.
First, the reason why it disgusts you so much isn't because of her actions, it is more about the fantasy you have of him where he is perfect in this scenario and the mother of his children is the devil when you explicitly said he was spending a lot of time talking to you and something about how he drops her off at work because he is so doting (which I read as controlling). He may not have physically cheated, but it sure sounded like an emotional affair.
Their issues are between them. She shouldn't have cheated, but as long as he knows and can choose his own path on what to do.... it shouldn't affect you so much. It seems like a divorce is inevitable if both parties aren't willing to work on things.
So much wisdom in this forum! I do think he is perfect. He is good looking, well-educated, polite, morally upright and has good values.
He takes care of his wife and makes an effort to date her and buy her gifts occasionally for no reason. It was only recently that I found out from him that nothing he does is good enough for his wife. (It reinforces my belief that he is codependent). As an example his wife likes purses so he would buy her purses in the $500 range. BTW I live in a 3rd world country where the minimum wage is equivalent to $150 per month. His wife wants $2000 purses though and he found out that the boss she is having an affair with is buying her the purse she wants. I don't understand why the wife would not be content with what he could give. She comes from a modest background and should be happy that she married into a well to do family. Why do these shallow things like purses and travel have to be an issue. It makes me feel bad because I think he is a good person and deserves to be happy. He is estranged from his mother who was clinically diagnosed with NPD but it looks like he married an NPD
I do find him attractive but I have no intention of having a relationship with him if things don't work out in his marriage. I don't wanna deal with the wife.
He sent me a text message that he already confronted his wife about the affair and it seems like they are going about their normal life. He said he will try to call me to tell me how it went. I think that would be he last message, he'll be busy fixing his marriage now
Poor people can be extremely calculating and pragmatic. It's a survival mechanism. A humble background doesn't guarantee someone will be modest or not greedy.
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