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I've been married to my husband for a little over 10 years now and I'm about ready to throw in the towel. For some reason, I am just having a hard time telling him I'm done. It isn't another man, it isn't physical abuse, nothing that cut and dried. It's years of emotional abuse and mental cruelty on his part. When I met him I had been sterilize for a few years and let him know that upfront. He assured me he was ok with it and the relationship progressed. A couple years into our marriage, he started looking into ways to make me fertile because he wants more kids (he has one from a previous relationship). I went for a few tests, some poking and prodding and the odds are extremely low that I can get pregnant. It would be a risky expense. I suggested adoption but he wants his own flesh and blood kids. He backed off for a while but you could tell there is resentment there and it's getting worse every day. He makes cruel remarks about my sterility, my inability to bear him children and points out pregnant women whenever he can. He then turns cold, shuts down and refuses to touch me or speak to me. It isn't constant though. It's off and on, like being on a roller coaster ride. I know I should get out of this mess of a marriage but I keep avoiding doing it. I don't know if it's fear or what. Would you leave?
Your choice to stay and continue to take that sort of treatment.
You could just be honest with him and tell him you are sick of being reminded that you cannot have children and he can choose to leave and find someone to have "his own flesh and blood" or stay with you, accept the fact that you cannot have children and to shut the hades up about it.
Personally, the first mention of trying to force a pregnancy knowing in advance that I could not have children I would have walked away and not looked back. I personally do not tolerate any treatment like that and his turning cold and shutting down is just a childish, immature tantrum.
Do you have a job? Could you support yourself if you left?
For your own sanity and peace of mind, leave as soon as you can. Start looking at apartments to rent or talk to a lawyer. Do whatever you have to do. Get a job if you don't have one.
By the way, intermittent rewards, like him being on good behavior some of the time, then shutting off or being emotionally abusive other times, is very addicting. That's exactly why gambling is addicting. Maybe you enjoy the good times, and keep hoping things will improve, so you put up with the bad times. That could be one reason you stay.
Another reason you stay could be inertia. It's hard to bite the bullet and admit the marriage is over, and actually take steps to end it. That's difficult. Recognize that it's difficult, but that it needs to be done, for your peace of mind AND for your self-esteem. Staying in this situation will gradually erode your self-esteem and could lead to depression.
A third reason why you stay may be fear of being on your own, fear of having to support yourself, fear of the unknown.
You can do this. You're strong and resourceful. If you need to, call a women's shelter and see if you can get some counseling.
Don't give up on yourself. You deserve a better life. Best of luck.
Why is he blaming you for something he knew about when he decided to marry you? That, in and of itself, is very weird.
I'm also wondering why you decided to try to reverse the tubal ligation when you had it done for a reason, presumably because you didn't want any more children. Children should be equally wanted by both parents. It looks as though you tried to reverse the procedure only to please him, which is a little scary considering how risky it could be (ectopic pregnancy, etc.).
Considering that you've been with him for so long, I'd prefer that you guys go to counseling first - if only to see if anything else is underlying his resentment. If counseling doesn't work, then at least you'll know that you've tried. If he's unreceptive to counseling, that says it all. You could still go to counseling on your own to get some clarity.
Life is too short for you to be miserable, or feel like you're walking on eggshells because you never know when he's going to turn cold and critical.
It sounds like you've had a long time of being 'under his thumb', if you haven't tried ways of communicating to solve the problems you are having there, your feelings and pent up resentments may be a very big surprise to him. He may even think that you don't mind being talked to and treated this way...
If open and level communication is a possibility then the marriage could be salvageable, I don't think you need to walk away from it to make a point. Sometimes partners have to grow and that can be uncomfortable. It sounds like maybe you need some help with that process, make arraingements to start couples counseling together, the counselor can help you learn how to communicate in a way that he will get.
Eh I usually hate it when people tell someone to get a divorce here, but this sounds pretty bad. He hasn't accepted that you will not be having any more children and keeps punishing you it - I would be worried that you will have to hear about this for decades. No one should have to listen to this. I am pretty sure I would leave him.
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