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I'll tell you what doesn't makes sense - starting a thread about the "equation" to a good relationship after posting this in another thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shankapotomus
Not only is it possible, I would say romantic love makes a happy life virtually impossible.
Relationships are not equations. Interior designers don't have to be with interior designers to be happy. My father was an optometrist and my mom was a social worker and later a bookkeeper. My husband is a sound engineer on Broadway and I'm a performer. One of my best friends is a college professor and her husband is a lawyer. My other friend is a fitness instructor and her husband is a high school counselor.
It's nice to have some shared interests - but things are not usually black and white. Most people don't have all shared interests or all opposite interests. I think it's more important to have a shared lifestyle - meaning do you prefer to spend most of your time at home? At clubs? At bars? Out with friends? Do you like to travel a lot? I mean - I run and work out and my husband doesn't but I prefer to do those things by myself anyway. We've never had a disagreement about it - why would we?
For me personally I would say a mix of both. If both partners are into all of the same things it might lead to competition, if they are into totally different things, they may not have enough in common to enjoy activities together. As long as the couple has similar or shared values around a philosophical approach to life.
Dude, you know some weird couples. People usually get together because of common interests. They don't have everything in common, just some things. So they bond over the things they have in common. But also having their own, separate interests gives them a chance to have time to themselves. You don't want your partner all over you all the time, you need time apart, too, so you don't smother each other. There has to be a balance of time together, and time apart. For most people, anyway.
Relationships don't fail because people tolerate each other's interests, or are constantly compromising. If you have to compromise over everything, you didn't do a good job of choosing your partner in the first place. Maybe you just went for looks or money, instead of the deeper stuff that really counts.
Okay! I know I posed the question one way in the opening post but perhaps I should have not said "interests and hobbies" but obsessions. Obsessions where one or both partners require the other's participation. These certainly can become knock down, drag out wars.
I'll tell you what doesn't makes sense - starting a thread about the "equation" to a good relationship after posting this in another thread.
Relationships are not equations. Interior designers don't have to be with interior designers to be happy. My father was an optometrist and my mom was a social worker and later a bookkeeper. My husband is a sound engineer on Broadway and I'm a performer. One of my best friends is a college professor and her husband is a lawyer. My other friend is a fitness instructor and her husband is a high school counselor.
It's nice to have some shared interests - but things are not usually black and white. Most people don't have all shared interests or all opposite interests. I think it's more important to have a shared lifestyle - meaning do you prefer to spend most of your time at home? At clubs? At bars? Out with friends? Do you like to travel a lot? I mean - I run and work out and my husband doesn't but I prefer to do those things by myself anyway. We've never had a disagreement about it - why would we?
For the record, the clarifier in that quote of mine was "virtually", not completely.
I dig what you're saying on lifestyle. That sounds more to the heart of some real incompatibilities.
I guess I should have said "obsessions" and not simply activities or hobbies. It seems where couples run afoul is when one partner demands the participation and energy in an obsession for which the other partner doesn't really have any genuine enthusiasm.
For the record, the clarifier in that quote of mine was "virtually", not completely.
I dig what you're saying on lifestyle. That sounds more to the heart of some real incompatibilities.
I guess I should have said "obsessions" and not simply activities or hobbies. It seems where couples run afoul is when one partner demands the participation and energy in an obsession for which the other partner doesn't really have any genuine enthusiasm.
Does it really make that big of a difference? If your attitude is that romantic relationships make a happy life "virtually" impossible - then why are you even bothering to figure out the relationship "equation?" If you think love makes you miserable - best to steer clear of it altogether.
And I don't know anyone that demands that their partner participates in their "obsession" against their will. That just sounds strange to me.
Okay! I know I posed the question one way in the opening post but perhaps I should have not said "interests and hobbies" but obsessions. Obsessions where one or both partners require the other's participation. These certainly can become knock down, drag out wars.
So should a couple's obsessions match up?
Obsessions? Best to avoid people who obsess. If they insist on dragging you along to some activity you're not into, I say you made a bad choice. Nobody should be twisting anyone's arm. Bond over the stuff you have in common. If she wants you to go along with her on her antique-hunting expedition, you might humor her a couple of times, but beg off most of the time. If she doesn't like that, it's her problem. If she makes it your problem, you picked the wrong woman. That's not how compatibility works. It's not about forcing people to do stuff and pitching fits if they don't. It's not about gritting your teeth to humor the other person with their "obsessions".
Your questions kinda scare me, dude. You don't seem to have a clue, it's like you're off in some alternate universe, or something. Look for the women you're comfortable hanging out with, the ones who are mellow, not the uptight ones who obsess. And what about you, do you have obsessions? Do you make your gf do stuff she's not interested in, just because you want the company? You can't do your hobbies on your own?
And I don't know anyone that demands that their partner participates in their "obsession" against their will. That just sounds strange to me.
(Please forget the other thread. That was said in a more philosophical context.)
It's not posed that way. It's posed as more as an obligation that one partner owes the other "support" and if it's not given that's where the conflict starts. This is a very common scenario and I am not posing some implausible circumstance. It's the scenario where a husband doesn't want to spend money to fix up a house that the wife thinks requires it. It's the scenario where a husband is consumed by obsession with sports or work to the detriment of his family life, etc...In fact, it is what predominantly breaks up relationships.
Your questions kinda scare me, dude. You don't seem to have a clue, it's like you're off in some alternate universe, or something. Look for the women you're comfortable hanging out with, the ones who are mellow, not the uptight ones who obsess.
I don't know why you would be alarmed. I couldn't agree more with your second sentence quoted above. The whole point of this thread is to get people to come to a better picture of that conclusion and not look at relationships as some kind of barter and exchange program for favors.
(Please forget the other thread. That was said in a more philosophical context.)
It's not posed that way. It's posed as more as an obligation that one partner owes the other "support" and if it's not given that's where the conflict starts. This is a very common scenario and I am not posing some implausible circumstance. It's the scenario where a husband doesn't want to spend money to fix up a house that the wife thinks requires it. It's the scenario where a husband is consumed by obsession with sports or work to the detriment of his family life, etc...In fact, it is what predominantly breaks up relationships.
Dude, those are bad choices! A woman would know during dating if a dude's obsessed with sports, or is a workaholic, to the point that it interferes in the relationship. Why would she marry a guy like that? And if she's into a high-end place, or nice furnishings, and he's not, she'd be wary of a dude like that. I've heard woman talking about that. "I've been going with this cool guy, but I hate the furniture in his apartment. Does that mean something? Should it be an issue?" Yes, it should be an issue, because it can be a sign of deeper incompatibilities. Differences in value systems, differences in how you were raised. The people who get along best tend to come from similar backgrounds with similar values.
Is it making more sense, now?
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