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OP, contrary to the popular opinion, I would advise you not to dump your husband.... OR try to save your marriage. Forget marriage counseling - at this point it's a waste of time and money.
Just let it be. It's the hardest thing to do, and the most counterintuitive, because your mind and soul are in the state of panic and you are grasping at straws. But if you really want to succeed, turn your attention away from your husband, and pay it to yourself.
He's only going to marriage counseling to appease you. Most men despise these long drawn out sessions, and 30 minutes in are ready to say "I am all better now, thanks, let's go, honey". All the while thinking about that other woman. Spare yourself.
Give him space. Make yourself scarce. Don't ask questions, don't interrogate, be polite but distant. Get a hobby, go to lunches and movies with friends, keep your mind and body busy.
Like it or not, your husband will need a closure to that relationship. I strongly believe that he had sex with her already and is emotionally invested. If somebody admits to "a", there is always "b,c and d".
Let it go for now. He knows you know. Your attempts to "save our marriage" only turn him off. Give it some time, don't act desperate, take care of yourself. He'll come around. And then you can decide if you want to forgive him, or divorce him.
Best of luck.
I think this is excellent advice. Give the process some time. Look after yourself. Things like this happen. It is not because you were a bad wife, it's more like a bad illness struck your husband which took his focus off his marriage.
By seeking calm and balance in your life (yes, it sounds impossible) you will be able to more gracefully navigate through whatever lies ahead. Seek spiritual and practical counseling for yourself from a trusted source. Gather your friends and family around you for support even if they don't know why.
Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate your responses. For now, I will take it one day at a time and see where marriage counseling takes us. I'm just so shaken to the core right now. I'm trying to take care of myself, but it's so hard not to think about this 24/7. He keeps telling me that he's committed to save our marriage, and for now at least I'm going to go along with it. Time will tell.
I understand wanting to save the marriage and your family. Can I ask how you responded to him when he said that he wanted to remain in contact with her in case your marriage didn't work out?
I told him that there was no reason for us to even attempt saving our marriage if he didn't cut ties with her.
You'll be doing yourself a favor by dumping him. If my wife cheated in me after our 20 years together I would be devastated but I would move on. You will NEVER forget and the question will always be there " what is he doing and is he contacting her. Is he really working late or is he at some hotel. Hmmm business trip? I bet"
No way would I put myself through that. Plenty of good people out there who will not cheat on you.
Thank you so much everyone. I really appreciate your responses. For now, I will take it one day at a time and see where marriage counseling takes us. I'm just so shaken to the core right now. I'm trying to take care of myself, but it's so hard not to think about this 24/7. He keeps telling me that he's committed to save our marriage, and for now at least I'm going to go along with it. Time will tell.
Your marriage is nothing like my sister's, so it is a good thing. My sister is the only one who still wants to save the marriage, but brother in law already moved in with his mistress. He also posted on FB that my sister is clingy, co-dependent, depressed, and refuses to let him go.
Truthfully, as a little sister, I am ashamed of my own sister. She is nothing like my other family members. I don't know what her deal is.
You sound like a strong woman who has a good head on her shoulder. I agree with several posters here, concentrate on your own emotional well being. Be kind to yourself, drink plenty of water, eat well, sleep well, and exercise on regular basis.
People do make mistakes, and after 20 something years of marriage, maybe there is a reason why your husband did what he did (No excuses), but maybe this incidence can draw you two closer to each other. There are couples survive infidelity.
Since he is telling you everyday that he wants to save the marriage, I am assuming that he still cares. My brother in law never called my sister, he only called me and asked me about my nephews. He was afraid of calling my brothers because brothers would have whooped his ass. (figure of speech)
I am not thrilled that my sister's marriage is falling apart because deep down, I don't really hate my brother in law. This is the emotion I can never explain. I think my sister did her part of messing up, so it is not all my brother in law's fault. But cheating on my sister with different women is 100% his fault, there is no excuse for that. He doesn't love my sister one bit, maybe he never did. But I have no reasons to believe your husband no longer loves you. Maybe he still cares very much.. Like you said, time will tell.
I wish you best of luck in life, and hang in there. Hope things work out for you and your family.
OP, like another posted said, ultimately it is YOU who knows your marriage better than anyone. As the one poster advised, take some time to center yourself before making decisions.
I've got mixed feelings about your situation, though I think I lean more to one side. I do understand how you feel about all the years you've invested into this relationship. I'm currently going through a divorce after 22 years of marriage. Infidelity is not the reason I decided to leave, but, honestly, I don't know if my husband has been faithful (though I no longer care one way or the other).
I DON'T think that just because a married person has a one-time fling that that means he/she will always be a cheater, or even that the marriage is necessarily doomed. I understand how it CAN happen, and I think that, ultimately, ANY married person is susceptible to infidelity.
HOWEVER, I will say that I have ALWAYS noticed that it is usually the cheated-on WOMAN who is expected to, and ends up, forgiving. Cheated-on men are certainly not expected to forgive, and in fact, it seems they rarely do (see another post on this thread). I don't suggest for a second that a man SHOULD forgive a cheating wife, but it's hard not to notice the differences in the outcomes of infidelity, depending on who did the cheating.
What I'm saying is that I think sometimes women forgive - or at least attempt to forgive - reflexively and out of a sense of family/social obligation without really considering how THEY still feel about their husbands and marriages.
If you're like me, I'm sure that during your 20+ year marriage, you've found yourself attracted to, or even seriously drawn to, another man (at least once). And I'm sure you've also had ample opportunity to cheat if you had wanted to. And yet, I think you're probably like I am, in that, no matter how unhappy I was in my marriage, no matter how lonely or disappointed, I never ONCE cheated, no matter how tempted I may have been to do so.
So, I've always thought, If I can resist temptation, why shouldn't he? That might be one thing for YOU to consider, as well. Another, as other posters have pointed out, is his response to your entirely reasonable request that he end all communication with the woman. He's being disrespectful, dishonest, unfair and selfish.
But only you can know whether or not there's really something there to salvage, or if you're considering staying with him only out of a sense of duty. How do you feel about your husband, notwithstanding this other relationship he's been having? Do you love him? Do you respect him? Have you been happy and fulfilled in your marriage? Can you, after 21 years of marriage, still see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Do you want to?
Last edited by newdixiegirl; 03-30-2014 at 03:06 PM..
I've been reading posts on this forum for a while now, and have decided to finally register to seek advice. I found out last week that my husband of 21 years has been seeing another woman for about 6 weeks. I accidentally found out when he left his Facebook page open while running to the bathroom. I went to move the laptop and saw that he was chatting with someone. The messages were pretty hot and heavy. Needless to say I was absolutely devastated. I confronted him and he swears they had "only" met for coffee 3 times and kissed twice in his car. No sex. He also swears that he has never done anything like this. Needless to say, I don't know what to believe since my trust in him is broken. Our marriage has had its ups and downs, like all marriages. We have seen so many of our family and friends destroy their marriages and families by cheating, and we always swore that we would never do that to each other.
After crying for 3 days straight, I decided to seek the help of a marriage counselor. My husband and I both went and the session went okay. We're planning on going weekly for a while since my husband swears he wants to work things out. We have 2 beautiful teenage daughters who don't know what happened. They see how upset I've been, but I just told them we've hit a rough patch in our marriage and are working things out.
Even though my husband says he wants to work on our marriage, he has shown no remorse or guilt about what happened. It's very strange. When I first found out, I told him to cut all ties with this woman, and his reply was that he didn't see the point of doing that if our marriage breaks up anyway. (I know, weird.) He finally relented and called the woman to tell her he couldn't see her again. Then I asked him to delete her contact info from his phone and block her on FB, and again he was hesitant. He claims he still considers her a friend, yet promised to never contact her again. I don't know what to think anymore.
Sorry this is a long post. I just really need to hear some thoughts. Am I being completely naive? His actions are giving me such mixed signals that my head is spinning. Thanks for any responses.
Yes I think you're being completely naive.
It's extremely common for adulterers to lie and explain "nothing happened" but then if it was nothing, why did he resist breaking off contact with her?
He's just going to find better ways to cheat is all. He's already got that option open of the marriage "breaking up anyway".
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