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I categorically disagree with the suggestion to tell the kids about what's going on. Do not bring kids into this.
Just don't do it.
Again, I agree with you.
If one of my parents cheated, I might lose all respect I have for the cheating parent and that might make fixing the marriage more difficult. Children react differently but I think it is better for couples to settle these issues on their own.
All very ignorant messages with little knowledge of the affair dynamic and how it happens.
You cant tell a person to end a 21 year old marriage in an instant a few days into discovery. OP needs many weeks to settle down and assimilate the destruction and betrayal.
Those you you that never had a long term marriage should not speak.
Any spouse can stray in the right situation despite having a great spouse at home. However, if the marriage was truly ending or over before the affair that is a different story.
Cheaters are dishonest. The type of spouse at home is irrelevant.
Daughters need to be told why the marriage is in the rocks and about to end.
All very ignorant messages with little knowledge of the affair dynamic and how it happens.
You cant tell a person to end a 21 year old marriage in an instant a few days into discovery. OP needs many weeks to settle down and assimilate the destruction and betrayal.
Those you you that never had a long term marriage should not speak.
Any spouse can stray in the right situation despite having a great spouse at home. However, if the marriage was truly ending or over before the affair that is a different story.
Cheaters are dishonest. The type of spouse at home is irrelevant.
Daughters need to be told why the marriage is in the rocks and about to end.
Well, aren't you a bundle of contradictions?
First you state that the OP needs many weeks to sort things out, then you say kids need to be told the marriage is about to end.
The kids should be told once the OP and her husband decide what they are going to do with their marriage. Once that decision is made and is final, then the kids should be brought up to speed if a divorce will be sought. Why cause them grief and anxiety unnecessarily if the parents are able to work thing out. They are better off not knowing anything at all if the OP and her hubby get over his alleged infidelity.
I doubt the kids suspect anything at all. There are no more self centered creatures than teenage girls. They are too wrapped up with their own teenage drama.
The kids should be told once the OP and her husband decide what they are going to do with their marriage. Once that decision is made and is final, then the kids should be brought up to speed if a divorce will be sought. Why cause them grief and anxiety unnecessarily if the parents are able to work thing out. They are better off not knowing anything at all if the OP and her hubby get over his alleged infidelity.
I doubt the kids suspect anything at all. There are no more self centered creatures than teenage girls. They are too wrapped up with their own teenage drama.
I agree with this! I also don't think the kids need to know why the marriage has disolved, just that the parents can no longer be with eachother. I would NEVER tell my kids if my husband had cheated on me...that is his business if he wants to disclose that, but no matter how mad/upset/disappointed I am with him, I would not come between his relationship with our kids.
As for the kids not noticing, I'd have to agree there too. My kids don't even notice when my husband isn't here. A few days into his last business trip they asked "where is dad???" He was in China for the better part of 4 days before they even noticed he was missing....LOL
I agree with this! I also don't think the kids need to know why the marriage has disolved, just that the parents can no longer be with eachother. I would NEVER tell my kids if my husband had cheated on me...that is his business if he wants to disclose that, but no matter how mad/upset/disappointed I am with him, I would not come between his relationship with our kids.
As for the kids not noticing, I'd have to agree there too. My kids don't even notice when my husband isn't here. A few days into his last business trip they asked "where is dad???" He was in China for the better part of 4 days before they even noticed he was missing....LOL
If the marriage ends because of an affair why should the betrayed spouse have to take 1/2 the blame. The truth is the truth. If you want to have a good relationship with your kids then you should never do anything that would tarnish that relationship.
You would not be coming between his relationship with the kids, he would. So you are just going to allow your kids to think this was a mutual decision, which could affect their relationship with you?
Betrayal wow thats a tough one plus 21 yrs on top of that. My condolences for the pain your suffering thur. I have been with mine for 7 yrs, and its been hard, I could get over the sex becuz its sex and he comes home to us (we have a 4yr) But I placed this app on his smartphone and I could turn it on to record him in his environment as well as all calls recorded and heard with my own eyes things that I will never be able to let go and forgive. Everyone has a limit. Fortunately for u is ur kids are grown and well 21 yrs doesn't mean that u have to hate one another it just means that maybe that chapter in your book has come to a close and its time for you to be free learn things u have put off go out and explore take a salsa dance class, go on spa trips treat yourself. He sounds like he would be willing to pay out the cost if it will keep him in the good so spend it up but always keep in mind to put some up each time. Look up old friends heck even an old high school crush. Even if you pay all the money in the world to help put it back together when something breaks its never the same. Its like when u break a bone u go get it treated it heals but as time goes by it beings to bother you. Sure give yourself time to grieve but don't put yourself back into a what if it ??? again. I think you need counseling but not for ur relationship but to build you YOUR SELF back up to know that you are able to hurt and heal w out u dying. To gain back your self worth Because after all you deserve to have real not lies you. You have to take time and self reflect on your health and life because once thing is for sure You Youngins will always love u no matter what. He has seen how much pain and hurt he has caused by his action, yet he still seem to put your feeling aside. Manipulation is what it seem you're faced with, he is telling you one thing yet as soon a ur out of view he does what he already knows will destroy u. I am gonna give you a web site its extremely simple and so incognito he will never know its a trial period but for a 2 weeks w no card or info needed.. This will answer any questions or doubts. Waring wht u may hear will be life changing but its better to get it over with then stay in an unhealthy relationship that u r being cheated out of happiness and life.. Good luck. DONT FORGET ABOUT YOU AND LOVE YOURSELF, because there is no one in the world with the traits you possess. Everyone is unique special and besides why should you not b happy when everyone else is living and loving and happy.
Please overlook my errors thru this post..
If this was happening to someone else, I would have probably responded the same as you. Trust me. I'm not a doormat, but I just have a hard time walking away from a 21-year marriage without at least trying to save it. This only happened 6 days ago, so I'm still very much reeling. Our daughters don't know anything, and I plan on keeping it that way. I caught my mom cheating on my dad when I was young, and I refuse to scar my kids that way. (Yes, I know, it's actually him who would be scarring them.) If it does come to it, I will make my husband explain to them why he did what he did. Thanks for responding.
Oh I totally relate to what you are going through. When I was single, I have a VERY strong conviction on what I will do if this or that happens to me.
Guess what... when it is ACTUALLY happening to me, I can't believe I did what I did. I too almost divorced my husband because of a crisis early on our marriage. I honestly don't know why/how we even got back together.
Sometimes when I remember what I did or what he did, it still really hurts. But with our relationship right now going strong, and my husband just ABSOLUTELY supportive and loving of me when I am having health concerns right now, I knew I made the right decision to give him and our marriage a chance.
Our crisis happened 2 months into marriage, no kids. What more you with 2 decades of marriage and 2 grown up kids.
I too have many people bashing me and telling me to get rid of my husband but ultimately the decision is up to YOU, OP. You know more than us, perfect strangers, if your marriage and your husband is worth to keep or not.
Me, I only give ONE chance. I told my husband if I ever leave the house again, there will be no turning back, EVER.
Well, aren't you a bundle of contradictions?
First you state that the OP needs many weeks to sort things out, then you say kids need to be told the marriage is about to end.
The kids should be told once the OP and her husband decide what they are going to do with their marriage. Once that decision is made and is final, then the kids should be brought up to speed if a divorce will be sought. Why cause them grief and anxiety unnecessarily if the parents are able to work thing out. They are better off not knowing anything at all if the OP and her hubby get over his alleged infidelity.
I doubt the kids suspect anything at all. There are no more self centered creatures than teenage girls. They are too wrapped up with their own teenage drama.
I agree, that telling or not telling is controversial, but these are teens. And if the parents get a divorce they need to know why.
The teens have been betrayed by the father. This is the sort of exposure that ends a silly romantic affair in a heartbeat. Most dads do not enjoy putting a dagger the chest of their kids.
However, if the marriage was truly dead before the affair and if the cheating husband is not remorseful and if he plans to continue to screw the OW on the side then by all means start divorce proceedings. However, sometimes exposure of the affair to the family of both cheaters ends the relationship very quickly.
The daughters will be devastated with the philandering of their dad, but they will eventually forgive him. Otherwise, it is not that simple to end a 21 year marriage in an instant.
If this was happening to someone else, I would have probably responded the same as you. Trust me. I'm not a doormat, but I just have a hard time walking away from a 21-year marriage without at least trying to save it. This only happened 6 days ago, so I'm still very much reeling. Our daughters don't know anything, and I plan on keeping it that way. I caught my mom cheating on my dad when I was young, and I refuse to scar my kids that way. (Yes, I know, it's actually him who would be scarring them.) If it does come to it, I will make my husband explain to them why he did what he did. Thanks for responding.
Love it when people say they will "Make" they're Spouse, SO or bf/gf do something. You can't make anybody do squat.
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Its never easy to step outside ur comfort zone
