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Its not unreasonable at all, its a lot easier for less attractive people who have no other options. its like hey are you seeing anyone else .... nope, are you .... nope. Wanna mess around and be exclusive .... sure.
I think it becomes exponentially more difficult when one or both sides have a spread sheet of people to sort. IF the woman has the spread sheet and one of the men in the line up does not then he will probably drop off really fast.
I tend to agree, in cases where your goal is a long term relationship with the person.
I do too. I have seen far too many cases of sleeping with someone thinking it's a relationship when it's not. I wouldn't sleep with a guy I'm just dating, he has to be my actual boyfriend as in we know we are boyfriend/girlfriend, though I really prefer him to be my fiance or husband.
What is the difference? I thought exclusivity means you are not even so much as looking or dating someone else with the intention of a long term relationship?
Location: "Silicon Valley" (part of San Francisco Bay Area, California, USA)
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hmm. I see good points on both sides.
I do want a meaningful relationship before sex, although for me a warm and deep friendship that has lasted for years would be in the category of meaningful relationships.
However, it does seem a little strange to speak of exclusivity or commitment before intimacy has occurred.
On the other hand, NilaJones does have a good point that exclusivity and commitment are different things. Commitment usually would follow a period of exclusivity.
Although commitment is also a subset of exclusivity.
Im in my 40s. I dont see it as a problem if that is something both of you want. If it just you who wants it then i believe that will be a problem. I also believe you gals trip over sex to much with guys. Sex will always be sex to us guys tell we fall in love with you then it becomes real intimatecy. You talk to em when you have the talk with them. You know the one after you have been on a few dates and you bring up are we going to be a thing talk. Thats the best time to talk about values, expectations etc. I would be upset if i was dating you for while or going steady and we get hot and heavy i would be upset if you then brought up the no sex til statement. Not to sound insensitive but i would prob feel angry and my emotional security compromised because i wasnt told.this important information in the beginning and i made all my choices based on what you presented me.
I'm pretty much like that--I won't have sex until I feel like there is exclusivity. It's not really games, or a 3 month rule, or me trying to rope a man into committing to me. But I take sex, and intimacy with another person, pretty seriously. It's not something I see as just physical, but as an emotional expression between two people as well. Because of that, I'm cautious and careful about who I choose to express that type of intimacy with. If I'm going to do it, I have to be comfortable, I have to feel secure about the status between us, I have to feel like we both can be ourselves with each other, and most importantly I need to know that we are on the same page with basically everything(regarding our relationship status). All of those components typically won't happen overnight or over the series of one or two dates. They might take some time depending on the man. So yes I have been upfront with every guy I have dated and told them that I don't have sex without exclusivity or commitment. Now what that means is going to depend on the guy and what I'm looking for. AS it stands right now I'm not looking for anything super serious. So I wouldn't necessarily need to be in a serious committed relationship before sex. HOWEVER, at the same time, I wouldn't bang a guy I just went on a few dates with, who was also dating other women. I would need to, at the very least, have known him for a good amount of time, and he and I would need to just be dating each other and no one else(not necessarily with the title of boyfriend and girlfriend) before I would even consider having sex with him. The other components I talked about: being comfortable, accepting one another, trust, etc--would be the overall factors into whether or not I would eventually do it with him once it was established that we were exclusive or in relationship, etc.
Maybe that sounds like a bit much, but it works for me. It weeds out a ton of men who didn't really want me , or think I was worth it, etc. A lot of men do tend to pull back once I make it known what my feelings are regarding sex, so unfortunately OP I do think that it isn't as common in 2014 for people to want to be exclusive before sex. But I also don't think it's extremely difficult to find a man that is willing to wait for it, if he thinks your worth it. My ex and I waited before I had sex(gave my virginity to him) and at that time we had known each other quite a while, were in a relationship and had cared about each other. That relationship lasted several years, the first few years were great, the latter not so great but the sex didn't have anything to do with that.
I'm quite similar.
I've never found it a problem to wait a bit on the physical stuff. I've had many 1st & 2nd dates that went nowhere, but anyone who has wanted to keep seeing me beyond that (and who I wanted to keep seeing) was patient with the time I needed. One even said, "You're worth the wait". And yes, I want to be valued by someone highly before I am intimate with him.
I usually get the response of...
- Quick to establish exclusivity. If we get past 2-3 dates, then they confirm I am seeing no one else & want to give me the "girlfriend" title. Around that time, I get introduced to family & friends as his girlfriend.
- Quick to suggest we spend more time together & get to know each other better (probably so as to speed up the physical stuff).
- Generally will keep "trying", but don't get mad if turned down.
I've never found it a problem to wait a bit on the physical stuff. I've had many 1st & 2nd dates that went nowhere, but anyone who has wanted to keep seeing me beyond that (and who I wanted to keep seeing) was patient with the time I needed. One even said, "You're worth the wait". And yes, I want to be valued by someone highly before I am intimate with him.
I usually get the response of...
- Quick to establish exclusivity. If we get past 2-3 dates, then they confirm I am seeing no one else & want to give me the "girlfriend" title. Around that time, I get introduced to family & friends as his girlfriend.
- Quick to suggest we spend more time together & get to know each other better (probably so as to speed up the physical stuff).
- Generally will keep "trying", but don't get mad if turned down.
Yep! I've actually found that by default most of the men I dated wanted to be serious with me or saw me as relationship material so they themselves wanted to take it slow anyway and didnt seem to mind my view and even respected it. On the other hand there were a few that acted like they wanted to go slow but once I confirmed my viewpoint on sex either they weren't as interested and started to fade or pretended to be okay with it and put up with it only to move on to another girl who would put out faster than me. It is what it is.
I don't see commitment and exclusivity as the same. Exclusivity is usually followed by commitment to me, so when I tell a guy I want to be exclusive, comfortable, really know each other and feel like we are on the same wavelength before I have sex with him I don't mean that we have to be in love and n a relationship. I understand that on some level before I commit I want to know that the sex between us will be good... On the other hand wanting to make sure we are sexually compatible doesn't mean I will bang him right away... I still need to get to know you to make sure we are emotionally, mentally and physically compatible before commitment.
I admit at one point I used to believe you should be in a relationship of wait 90 days or more before sex but I've changed my mind because good sex is just as important to me as other things and waiting an arbitrary number of days or months is silly if you have gotten to a comfortable point with the guy your dating. However based on my experience it seems like around the 90 day mark, for my friends and I, it seems to be the time frame where if a man genuinely wasnt interested in me in that way, he fades away or expresses his true colors, so I suppose by default it could possibly be that I would be hesitant to become exclusive within the first month or two if dating anyway if I had feelings that things werent genuine with him.
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