My issues with my marriage. (dating, wife, woman, love)

[TNGuy19]

I hope I am posting this in the right place, if not, someone can please redirect me.

Here is my story... My wife and I met 8 years ago.. When we met, I dipped.. Admitted, I wasn't up front with her about this.. It wasn't until we went thru a breakup that she found out... We got back together and she was ok with it.. It never was a problem.. Well, soon after that I also picked up the habit of smoking...

Now, let me give a little more history.. When we first met and started dating, she never had a problem with smoking. She was NOT a smoker, but she had friends that smoked and she would hang out with them and there was never any complaints...

Fast forward to after we met and broke up a few times and she learned of my dipping habit. All was good.. As I said, later on I picked up smoking, and I was up front with her about it.. Suddenly, it became a huge problem, and she informed me she didn't like it.. She said she would deal with it, but she was not supportive or happy about it. (Dipping she didn't care, but smoking was what she had the problem with).

Well we progressed with our relationship, and I continued to dip & smoke.. Usually only dipping when with her, and smoking when not with her.. Preferably id rather smoke than dip but I kept the dipping habit because that's what I could do around her..

A few years later we married.. I continued my habits.. Dipping when with her or at home and smoking while away..

Needless to say this had progressed into a huge problem... I've became a person addicted to dipping & smoking...

I guess what I'm getting at is that we had so many arguments about the smoking that I have now pretty much given it up while I am at home or while I am with her in any form.. If I'm at home, she won't be anywhere near me while I smoke (I smoke outside, NOT in the house ). She will stay inside..We've been together 8 years and I don't think she has seen me smoke once.. It's like a big no no for me to smoke anywhere even near her presence. Like I need to go hide or something...however, we have friends over who smoke and she will sit around with them and act like it's nothing at all. Really bothers me..

My main problem is, since I pretty much refrain from smoking while with her at all, it affects my mood.. I get grumpy, am definitely not in a good mood, and I start questioning whether I'm being treated like a child or something..
And then when I start acting like that she gets pissed at me.. We've had argument after argument as to why, and it always comes back to my habit, but nothing ever changes.I've tried to explain to her how I feel. I respect her decision not to want to be up close & personal with my habit, but it's really frustrating we can't even be outside together & I can't smoke..

And please, no haters or "anti-smoking" replies.. I'm just looking for some honest feedback about my situation to see what people think I am doing wrong... I'm at my wits end with this situation,.

Thanks

[Dewdroplet76]

Your smoking is getting in the way of your marriage - and you are looking for a way to help the situation with out addressing your smoking?

[banaman]

You probably should do some heavy professional counseling work on your habits. Both of them are addictions - things you think you don't want to do but they control you. They often conceal bigger, deeper issues.

The reason to consider professional counseling is that sometimes you cannot see the real issues yourself - your personality hides your true motivations.

You'll be happier in the long run.

[Tinawina]

I don't know. I mean you married her knowing she would want you to not smoke around her. She was quite upfront that she didn't like it but she would deal with it only if you kept it out of her face. So this is exactly what you signed up for, you know? I'm not sure what we are supposed to say.

Of course she's going to get mad when you get pissy at her over it. It's not like she didn't tell you how she felt years ago and now all of a sudden from her perspective you are mad.

I guess you could get on her to not allow friends to smoke, but that seems a bit petty.

You admit it's an addiction, That's the real issue here IMO. Maybe you should just try to quit if it is really affecting your moods? That and address the underlying control issues that seem at the base of this conflict.

That's all I got.

[NilaJones]

Banaman is right.

Another thing to consider is that smokers lose most of their sense of smell. You may have forgotten how powerful the odor of tobacco smoke is, and that may be causing you some difficulty in understanding her point of view.

You made an agreement freely, and now you regret it. Her asking you to live up to your agreement is the opposite of treating you like a child. She is treating you like an adult.

-

Edited to add: Tinawina and I posted at the same time, with the same thought .

[Electrician4you]

What is more important to you? Smoking or your marriage? As a ex smoker you won't quit until you're ready to quit.

[Lilac110]

It is affecting your marriage. If you don't want that, there is no answer here other than to quit. Plenty of programs and products out there to help you. At the very least, look into e-cigs. There are ways to fix this. You just need to realize that you are the one who needs to handle it, not your wife.

[Artifice32]

I'm a former smoker and as a former smoker I can tell you it's an addiction and it sucks. Back when I quit there wasn't something like Chantix which is a prescription drug made exclusively to help you quit. There was the nicorette gum but it didn't work for me; I just got addicted to the gum and the patch didn't help. The only way I quit smoking was cold turkey and it was painful. Also, I quit cold turkey but I developed depression so I had to go on Wellbutrin which is both an antidepressant and helps in quitting smoking. My current HMO has smoking cessation classes which your insurance HMO may provide so you can ask your doctor about that. Something you may want to try, but it might not work, is you can go to special e-cigarette stores called Vape shops and buy e-cigs that mimic the flavor of tobacco but don't have any--zero--nicotine in them.

You have to quit smoking. You just have to. Here would be my plan of attack:

1) Go to your medical doctor and tell them you want to quit smoking but you get irritable when you try to quit. He or she may prescribe Wellbutrin or Chantix
2) Ask if they have smoking cessation classes
3) Try nicotine free e-cigarettes at your local Vape store

Nicotine addiction is one of the worst addictions out there but you have to quit.

[JrzDefector]

How about you grow the eff up? I don't really have views one way or the other about smoking or dipping, though I think dipping is way grosser. I date smokers with no problem as long as they don't light up in my house. But you sound very childish. "Why can't I have everything MY way?"

Well, wah. As others pointed out, you knew what the story was up front. And you're addicted - you admit it. It's messing with your marriage. Are you REALLY going to choose an addiction to tobacco over a woman that you presumably love? Seriously?

I hate using the phrase "man up," but good lord. Do that. And then maybe you'll stop posting petulant complaints online about how your wife is creating distance between you because she doesn't like your unpleasant habits.

[TNGuy19]

Obviously I picked the wrong group of folks to post my concerns with, seeing as I'm being bashed by certain folks. Obviously, y'all don't know the whole story, cause I didn't tell the whole story.. I can't list every single detail of my life or my relationship. I just don't see how's it's fair that I'm singled out for my habit when her friends are not. I am a good person, good husband, good supporter of my family. I'm not a drunkard, I don't dictate my wife's life, I don't do drugs, I work hard, and take care of my family. My wife gets anything she needs and wants and she will be the first to tell you that. I guess I'm asking too much to be allowed my one little pleasure in life?