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I feel completely crushed and broken in pieces. Last week my boyfriend of 5+ years and I mutually agreed that it is best to break it off, completely. We have been working a long distance relationship for several years...with no real end in sight, since neither one of could/would relocate (due to jobs, school, etc.).
Neither one of us was happy, since it was so stressful carrying on for so long, so far away (2+ hour drive) and we work opposite schedules so communication by phone was hard. Although we did manage fairly frequent texts and emails, it just wasn't the same. His schedule is changing, so he would be working more weekends too. So with all that, we just let it go, despite very much loving each other and feeling incredibly heartbroken. I mean we talked for 3 hours that last call (last Wednesday) and neither one of us wanted to end it; the call, or the relationship I guess. But neither one of will/can move and we couldn't continue carrying on as we were.
We left it open-ended. No more contact, so we don't fall into the trap of not-dating-but-still-hooking-up, or whatever. But we both said we would be happy to hear from each other down the line, if anything important happens, or if one of us changes our minds about moving.
So I know it's only been a week but I feel completely shattered, and I miss him terribly...all I want is to hear his voice; I even have had some rather disturbing dreams that linger in my mind all day. I'm scared, afraid I'll never find a love quite like this one, or that I'll never be able to let go and I'll be stuck in some endless ridiculous loop of obsessiveness. And knowing that we both left things open...maybe it wasn't a good idea, because it gives me a hope. And it may well be dangerous if it keeps me from being able to move forward. The thought of letting go of hope though- it's devastating to face.
I think I know what the general consensus will be, logically it is best to let go but what if...my heart holds out for that one glimmering chance he may move back here (he even said as much, in the phone call. Just can't now for certain reasons.) in a year or two.
Has anyone had a situation where you've ended things and ultimately came back together? IS there any hope for us or should I let this die now?
I'm currently in a 3+ year LTR that is about to come to an end, as he is moving to be with me. We have had this plan since year 1 when we knew it was serious. I'm not sure how you continued this long with no solid plan.
I'm sorry, you must be very hurt and in a lot of pain.
Personally, it sounds like you two care a lot for each other, but it's not urgent enough for you two to be together, or you'd make a plan, together. Now I'm not saying either of you is a jerk or anything, your lives are just in different spots than the relationship right now.
No end in sight for an LTR is dang near impossible. It's kind of pointless. Unless you two solidify a plan to be together (after five years!), I don't really see how this is going to work.
Edit:
Really, REALLY think about what is preventing you from being together. Would it be impossible for you two to move to a city together that you always wanted to live in, that way you are both starting over? What are his "reasons" for not moving to be with you? What are your reasons for not moving to be with him?
I see a lot of phone conversations and words being exchanged between you and your ex about how much you wish it could work. The fact is, if staying in the relationship and pursuing a future together was a priority for you and him, actions would follow words. You and he can both state how much you love and care for each other all you want, but unless and until a solid plan and follow through occurs to move closer together, the words ring hollow, you know? And, I think it's on both sides here--neither of you made the relationship your top priority (otherwise you'd have worked out a way to live closer). Eventually someone has to decide that the desire to pursue a future with that person, which generally includes being geographically close (excluding military couples, but presumably, they are living close by or together when not deployed, so it's a temporary separation and not the same thing) outweighs whatever is keeping them in their location. Why won't you move? Why won't he move?
You are imagining what could have been, if you lived close together, and were able to become more serious, and you're sad because that possibility was lost. That's understandable. I would advise against waiting for him to decide whether or not he wants to move and continue a relationship with you 1-2 years down the line, and instead, give yourself time to heal, and then either find someone who already lives nearby, or someone who is willing to make your relationship more of a priority than your ex was.
I was once in a relationship where it was a long distance relationship where I had another two years of college left while he had graduated and was pursuing a masters and a doctorate at a school out of state. We stayed together until I had this realization that at 22 years old I didn't feel ready to make my big life decisions on anyone else but me. I was ready to begin my career wherever it took me while he had definite rigid plans of what schools he wanted to attend with no intent on changing them to be where I would be. We had been together for about three years at that point, but we both decided that it was best to break up as we both needed to put our goals first.
We took some time out to heal from the relationship and the breakup was very sad for us both. I went through a period of time of, "Who am I without this other person?" After time, we both got in touch to be friends again. He and I had both moved on to new relationships and realized that what happened had happened for a reason. If it was the relationship for either of us, we would have had no qualms compromising our wants for the other, but as it stood we were both hanging onto a relationship that was comfortable because we didn't want to lose that close friendship with the other person.
This is why I truly believe that if you won't move or he won't move.... there's a reason why. When it's right, you will make it happen (ie. right now, my family has moved to TX while I stayed in VA. It was my intention to move there as well until I met my significant other who I would follow anywhere, who would also follow me anywhere. If we make it out there, it'd be awesome! If that's not where life takes us, that's okay too).
We are mid/late 20's. Reasons for me not moving: I have a child (previous relationship), aging family I'd like to stay close to, and college I am attending (he lives 1.5 hours one way from any college campuses; I have tried online format and perform far better if I can attend on campus).
Reasons for him not moving: He has a career that he worked hard for, this was his first full time position, which can be hard to get in his field around here. He lives in a very low-populated, woodsy area with little options for shopping/entertainment/nightlife, whereas I am in a college town so there's always something going on. He doesn't really like his area (or mine, since it is his hometown, and to him it's a "comedown" to return home), prefers big cities actually, so I also worry I'd make this big move and he would decide to shift to a metro area. I really don't want to make two major moves with a school-aged child. Anyways, that's the major gist.
We have done this before. We have broken up several times, in not the greatest ways, but always end up getting back together because after a few months of not talking we miss each other like crazy and it's like we never were apart. So unhealthy. This last time was the "nicest" break up we've had ever but maybe it was because we couched it as a not necessarily forever thing. But I just don't think I should keep going back and forth like this, it's making me crazy and miserable. Major rollercoaster, since we go from elation when we reconnect to heartbreak when it falls apart. Long Distance sucks. I sense internally that I need to let this go for good but somehow...I just..can't. Not totally. I wish I knew HOW to, I wish this didn't hurt so horribly.
I'm currently in a 3+ year LTR that is about to come to an end, as he is moving to be with me. We have had this plan since year 1 when we knew it was serious. I'm not sure how you continued this long with no solid plan.
I'm sorry, you must be very hurt and in a lot of pain.
Personally, it sounds like you two care a lot for each other, but it's not urgent enough for you two to be together, or you'd make a plan, together. Now I'm not saying either of you is a jerk or anything, your lives are just in different spots than the relationship right now.
No end in sight for an LTR is dang near impossible. It's kind of pointless. Unless you two solidify a plan to be together (after five years!), I don't really see how this is going to work.
Edit:
Really, REALLY think about what is preventing you from being together. Would it be impossible for you two to move to a city together that you always wanted to live in, that way you are both starting over? What are his "reasons" for not moving to be with you? What are your reasons for not moving to be with him?
Also, how old are you guys?
I agree. I left my job and all my friends to move overseas to be with my husband when I was only 21. It was hard at first because I could not work and he was a student, but we had no regrets and were together for 25 years.
Are you more worried about having an easy life than being with your true love? I just don't get that.
With this new information, it just doesn't sound like the relationship is enough of a priority for either of you to make it happen. Although you have more concrete things holding you to your area than he does (it's a "comedown" to move home, at the expense of a relationship? wtf?) it doesn't sound like he would be willing to compromise even both of you moving an hour away, to be together. I'm sorry. I know it hurts, but I think it's best to walk away. There is someone else out there for you, who will be willing to make decisions that benefit both of you, rather than just wishing and hoping for something more yet not taking steps to make it happen.
Maybe the breakup was nicer this time because it is actually the right thing to do this time as opposed to it not being permanent? Just throwing that out there, as none of your breakups to date with this guy have been permanent.... maybe it's time to make this one stick.
I was in a different long distance relationship for two years with a definitive end date to the distance. Unless you have plans of being in the same city or have the goals of being in the same city eventually, LDRs are useless. It's not to say you pack up and move tomorrow, but that if you could see yourself both living in City X in 2-3 years.... then it's worth working towards; otherwise, it's a lot of frustration. If you could never agree on those long term goals, then it is not worth it.
It hurts right now because breakups hurt. Even under the best, most friendly circumstances, it is painful to lose someone close to you. Focus on you and your goals, on what you need to do for your child, and you might end up finding someone else where things are more stable than going from elated to heartbreak.
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