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Old 04-05-2014, 09:08 PM
 
2,970 posts, read 2,762,591 times
Reputation: 3176

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magnatomicflux View Post
I'm certain he was probably a much different person in the beginning.
Yeah...

And his true colors are showing.

My mom always told me to be careful when it came to guys and relationships. Why? because she saw her first relationship, which led to marriage, through rose colored glasses. Her ex was the same way until his true colors began to show.
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Old 04-05-2014, 09:51 PM
 
6,497 posts, read 11,793,599 times
Reputation: 11124
Quote:
Originally Posted by ConeyGirl52 View Post
Im sure someone in the family would loan her a car to continue to take care of grandma, while she works and has normal life.

Is it just me, or are some puzzle pieces not truely fitting together here?
Yeah, the pieces that are missing are the pieces that say she's about 1100 miles from her family! Except for grandma and great-grandma... who are the reasons she moved in the first place. So she needs her car.

And it's still a dumb thing to give a near-new car to a boyfriend you're having second thoughts about.

Why did that have to be explained to you? That's a no-brainer.
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Old 04-05-2014, 10:01 PM
 
8,781 posts, read 9,428,470 times
Reputation: 9548
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
It hasn't always been this bad but since we moved to the south he's got this totally different outlook on life.
It's all country music, hard work and me doing whatever he wants to do.
Read this back to yourself and think of what that means in context to you as a person who is involved with him.

As far as people changing...yes they do. You have enabled him to take advantage of you and rewarded him for it.

People don't change in to different people over night.

Fit the pieces together


You sound as though you have grown apart and do not share the same values or lifestyles as a result.

Last edited by rego00123; 04-05-2014 at 10:26 PM..
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Old 04-05-2014, 10:15 PM
 
2,758 posts, read 4,950,244 times
Reputation: 3014
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
For the past four years I have stuck by my boyfriends side through everything and its been very very trying.
A lot of women would not have been as patient as I have or sacrifice as much as I did.

We combined incomes, furniture etc. When we moved 1100 miles away from home to take care of my grandmother and great grandmother I gave up a lot of my stuff and kept his.

I have been there 110% the whole time.
I have taken an interest in his interest, we do the things HE wants to do, we get the things HE wants to get.
Disc golf, going to the state park and going for walks, whatever he wants.
He's never once played soccer with me, he hates movies and in the 4 years we've know each other we've never gone to see a movie in theaters but he's told me to open my mind and try new things I have but he won't.

We never do anything I want to do and my friends want to go do those things and I usually say no because he whines about me going without him but he doesn't like the activities.

It spans from small stuff like we'll be deciding what type of jelly to get, I'll say grape, he'll say strawberry, I'll remind him we got strawberry last time and he says fine, we'll just get both and waste more money. Which leads me to say fine get the strawberry.

To big things like he drops the bomb on me that HE wants to have kids with in the next year or two, I'll only be 26 by then, I peaked late, I was a size 14 in womens in HS, I hated myself, I was awkward. Now, I'm 115 a size 0, I'm still a little socially awkward sometimes but I am a totally different person. I don't want to have kids in two years, I want to enjoy this a little longer. I have friends now, I get invited places, I have chances to go out and do fun things......most importantly he's welcome to come but he doesn't want to.

So all of a sudden he wants kids in the next year or two and because I am not automatically on board I am selfish. I rather have grape jelly so that makes me selfish. Basically if I don't agree with him or want to do the same thing I am selfish.

He used to leave me home all the time while he went out with his friends, he'd go out everyday after work to play disc golf, on the weekends. Leaving me home alone a lot.

In the past 7 months I have gone out 3 times, counting this up coming Sunday. My store goes and sees movies together, huge group of like 15. I have ONE best friend who I see a few times a week and we sit at her house and hang out for a little bit.

I do all the damn cleaning. He doesn't do any cleaning but plenty of mess making. He throws all his trash under his nightstand, he leaves his clothes everywhere, he leaves soda cans all over the place, he never picks up after the dogs. He then tells me I do nothing around the house, which is a lie, I am always doing laundry, picking up after the dogs, washing all the dishes.

It's driving me nuts, I work fulltime. I come home every night to him, I spend time with him. Occasionally I'd like to go out with my friends, hang with my best friend, have a NORMAL relationship where we have our own things we do, things we do together and split the house work 50/50. Going out maybe 3-4 times a month for a couple of hours with friends is not a lot. I am home every night, we have days off together, 3-4 hours maybe 5 is nothing just a few times a month.

Yet I am selfish for this.

Today is my day off and instead of relaxing, doing my eyebrows which need help, re painting my nails etc, everything I let go all time. I have the WHOLE house to clean. Trash, clothes etc out of the bedroom, sweeping and mopping every room. ALL the dishes, the whole kitchen, the dining room needs to be mopped. I've already gone to work for a meeting, taken the dogs to the park. I know taking care of a house is a responsibility but damn I would love some help.

Again, I'm the selfish one.

His sister is a perfect example of how I would like our relationship should be. She and her boyfriend live together, they have their own friends, they do things with their own friends and then they do stuff together. They spend one day a week cleaning together.

But I'm selfish for wanting a nicely balanced relationship.

He just seems to enjoy going to work, coming home and crap just being done for him.

It's caused a lot of fighting, a lot of screaming on my part.
He wonders why I get so worked up when I just came home from a 12 hour shift while he's been home since 6 laying in bed watching tv and ask me to get up and go get him a drink or make dinner. He wonders why I get so irate when he does the things he does. Seriously, more often than not it ends with me screaming and yelling. It's just so frustrating.

I don't understand how I am the selfish one when I am the one who always gives up, caves in and gives him what he wants.

But apparently I am the selfish one........
It really sounds like your needs are not being met. Even though this is only your side of the story, it sounds like things are getting past the point of repair. Dude is being quite selfish. Even if he has his reasons, this isn't how its supposed to go.

It is time to be extremely assertive, and sit ur bf down and let him know how you feel. If he doesnt respond appropriately, then it may be time to move on with out him.
Problem is, when living together, the moving out process may not be so easy, especially with being 1100 miles from home.
Tread carefully, but mean what you say. Hopefully he responds positively, or at least respects your feelings.
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Old 04-05-2014, 10:20 PM
 
Location: Texas
44,256 posts, read 64,223,092 times
Reputation: 73924
Quote:
Originally Posted by txtqueen View Post
I'm smart.
If I put up with it, I wouldn't be here talking about it and it also wouldn't start fights between us.
If I was putting up with it, I would do day in and day out doing whatever and not having an issue with it.
Talking about it is not doing something about it.
Chitchat and idle threats are not doing something about it.
IF what you say is true, you should given him the dumpinski ages ago.
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Old 04-06-2014, 07:59 AM
 
Location: Wherever life takes me.
6,190 posts, read 7,959,089 times
Reputation: 3325
Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123 View Post
Read this back to yourself and think of what that means in context to you as a person who is involved with him.

As far as people changing...yes they do. You have enabled him to take advantage of you and rewarded him for it.

People don't change in to different people over night.

Fit the pieces together


You sound as though you have grown apart and do not share the same values or lifestyles as a result.
When we first moved out here things were fine.

I worked at a grocery store, we had money, things were slowly starting to get better. He worked hard, really hard.

He told me in the beginning that when we moved out here we both needed to work and that maybe we wouldn't have the same schedules and maybe sometimes we wouldn't see each other all that much but it was worth it in the end because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and this hard work was necessary. At first I hated it, I whined that I missed him and never got to see him but I still did what I needed to do. He would always go out with his friends and it would always be when I was working and couldn't go too or he just simply wouldn't invite me and I would stay home.

Now we have cable, internet, iphones, a 42in flat screen in the bedroom, name brand too LG.
We really have come very far.

Its because I did what he asked above.

I found a new job, full time, min wage + commission.
Worked 40 hours a week.
Then the holidays hit (Nov-mid January), I was working over 60 hours a week for nearly 2 1/2 months, I was making 1200 every two weeks. Nothing was getting done around the house. He wouldn't clean at all. I would be up till midnight washing my laundry because I worked 6 days and week and would need to wash my work clothes 4 days into that.
He would whine about how I was never home and I reminded him what he told me when we moved. I told him that things would get better, my hours would go down after the holidays. I pointed out how much money we had and how well we were doing. It got to the point we would fight so bad after work that I was going into work sobbing, luckily we were all such close friends and they we're very supportive.


I still work the same job, just at a different location.
Everyone at work is very close, they go out once a week, hang out, they go see movies as a store, the whole crew goes. Like 15 people. I have said no quite a bit. I have hung out with them like 3 times.

He told me the other day that my job and friends are going to be the end of us.
My well paying job that I am getting a lateral promotion I guess to a new dept within the store, more hours, set hours, more money. The friends who are cool people who would love to hang out with him too. He's more than welcome.

He's just hell bent on being miserable. Its almost like he's enjoying playing the poor pitiful me part and loves to make it out to be like I am some heinous twaffle who just leaves him at home all the time. I beg and cry and plead for him to go with me. I would have gone more but I have stayed home because he won't go, the few times I've gone out was because I am tired of wallowing around the house, not living life.


He just left for work, I begged him not to. I told him to spend some time with me. He left anyways.
I still love him, I don't want to give up but I just want to be happy, I can't keep hurting so much.

He barely hugged me this morning as he left, I grabbed his jacket and made him actually hug me. He wouldn't even kiss me.

I'm filled with so much anger and hurt and sadness.
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Old 04-06-2014, 09:00 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
16,961 posts, read 17,290,577 times
Reputation: 30257
Time to make some difficult decisions and put them into action, Missy. Things will not magically get better.
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Old 04-06-2014, 09:19 AM
 
Location: Wherever life takes me.
6,190 posts, read 7,959,089 times
Reputation: 3325
No! I don't want this to be happening. This is a nightmare, my life has spiraled out of control. I feel like everything is going nuts right now.

I want no part of this fight. Like I rather just get high, eat some food, watch some tv and pretend everything is ok.

I am just so stressed out.
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Old 04-06-2014, 10:04 AM
 
12,573 posts, read 15,534,448 times
Reputation: 8960
What I have understood from the OP is she is feeling unappreciated by her SO. However, through scanning the comments she unilaterally rejects all advice provided. The OP was formerly a size 14 with esteem issues and now a size zero with the same esteem issues.
My advice is to stay with him. Maybe this will provide an opportunity for his next would be doormat to get with someone who would treat her as she deserves.
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Old 04-06-2014, 11:26 AM
 
2,970 posts, read 2,762,591 times
Reputation: 3176
OP

You need to do something about your self esteem issues and your co-dependency.

Neither are healthy for anyone.

The relationship you are currently in is not healthy for anyone.

Quit being a doormat.

My mom noticed a guy I was hanging out with as friends back in 1992 treating me as a doormat. She let me know how she felt about that. I let the guy know this as well. Our friendship did not last that long. I was your age when this happened. It was not easy for me to do that, but I am glad I did. I am also glad that she did what she did.
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