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This is my first thread (not post though) and I'd be happy to hear your opinion
I first met my boyfriend in Spring 2012. It was kind of love at first sight and we became a couple instantly. We were crazy about each other and did a huge mistake- We made things happen too fast. After just a month of knowing each other we moved in together (at that point I thought the situation was perfect because my apartment`s lease just expired and I was looking for a new apt anyway). None of us ever lived with a partner before that. He was 28 at that time, I was 25. The first few months were perfect, then we started fighting about stupid things like who brings the trash out and often these stupid problems escalated in fights. Today I think we just should have waited longer to move in together, obviously you don't really know a person after one month and none of us knew how to handle the other person's character. So after 10 months of relationship and 9 months living together, we broke up and I moved out.
Two months later, we got back together. That was in April 2013. He was the one who reached out to me and told me that he still loves and misses me and we decided together to give it another try, this time with separated apartments. Today he is 30, I am 27. I was totally fine with living in my own apartment when we got back together, of course I wanted to give our relationship time to heal and to see where things are going. I also wouldn't have moved back in instantly. But now we've been back together for a full year and we're still not living together again. I start finding that odd and wonder where things re going. We've been a couple now for two years, back together for one year and things have been going really well. Of course we have discussions or even small fights sometimes, but no big deals and we've worked a lot on our communication, so we're always able to solve things and never let things escalate. I would call it a happy and healthy relationship.
A month ago I asked him about his opinion on moving back in together. He said he doesn't want to, he finds it too soon and couldn't really give me another reason. I don't really get it though. After all this time I start finding it weird that he doesn't want to move back in together, especially since our relationship has been going really well. Sometimes I start believing he's just stringing me along and enjoys my company, but doesn't really know if he wants a future with me (although we make travel plans for the future and I know his family and friends). After all, we're 30 and 27, not 22 and 19.
What do you guys think? How much time of waiting is too much? What would you do in my shoes?
Sounds fishy to me if indeed that's the only reason is the timing. I would say that's one of the fundamental "musts" if it's going to develop into something long term...you have to be able to live together peacefully.
Hi sailoretta, I agree with the above poster about it being a red flag for not being able to live peacefully together. It sounds like you guys tried it and it didn't work. Not always, but usually people don't change much, they have their little habits and they've been doing things that way for a long time. You should probably take a close look and think about if you really can live with whatever habits of his you don't particularly care for. Does the good outweigh these little things?
Personally, as a guy in his early 30's, I would probably think about moving on after 2 years and not really getting anywhere. Just me, but if I pass the 1 year mark with a girlfriend, I'd either ask her to marry or break it off as to not string her along. For me, 1 year is enough to really tell and probably similar for a lot of people in their late 20's to early 30's.
Anyways, take all this with a grain of salt since I don't know your full situation. Maybe he's waiting to finish school, or get a promotion at work or something. Or maybe he's in a relationship because it's convenient and is apprehensive about taking things further because of it not working out before. Whatever it is, at least reflect about what you can learn from the situation if you end up in another relationship down the road.
Who fights about taking out the garbage? It sounds like you two weren't mature enough for living together. And are you sure he's not seeing someone else? That's the only reason I can think of why he wouldn't want to move back in together. At any rate, it's time to have a talk with him about where the relationship is going. It's been a year. If he's not on the same page as you, consider finding someone who's serious about a relationship.
Do you want kids? Does he? Do you want to get married? Does he?
Have you two had a conversation about timelines for these things?
Maybe you should talk about that stuff, before you talk about living together again. The big picture, and the long term timetable.
I second NilaJones.
The question you should be asking HIM is if he sees a long term future (including marriage and kids) or not.
Living together is not the issue here.
p.s. I like my freedome living in my own house now.. when my boyfriend and I get married, I will have at least decades of living with him.. i might as well enjoy my space now ... my perspective on living with a bf.
This is my first thread (not post though) and I'd be happy to hear your opinion
I first met my boyfriend in Spring 2012. It was kind of love at first sight and we became a couple instantly. We were crazy about each other and did a huge mistake- We made things happen too fast. After just a month of knowing each other we moved in together (at that point I thought the situation was perfect because my apartment`s lease just expired and I was looking for a new apt anyway). None of us ever lived with a partner before that. He was 28 at that time, I was 25. The first few months were perfect, then we started fighting about stupid things like who brings the trash out and often these stupid problems escalated in fights. Today I think we just should have waited longer to move in together, obviously you don't really know a person after one month and none of us knew how to handle the other person's character. So after 10 months of relationship and 9 months living together, we broke up and I moved out.
Two months later, we got back together. That was in April 2013. He was the one who reached out to me and told me that he still loves and misses me and we decided together to give it another try, this time with separated apartments. Today he is 30, I am 27. I was totally fine with living in my own apartment when we got back together, of course I wanted to give our relationship time to heal and to see where things are going. I also wouldn't have moved back in instantly. But now we've been back together for a full year and we're still not living together again. I start finding that odd and wonder where things re going. We've been a couple now for two years, back together for one year and things have been going really well. Of course we have discussions or even small fights sometimes, but no big deals and we've worked a lot on our communication, so we're always able to solve things and never let things escalate. I would call it a happy and healthy relationship.
A month ago I asked him about his opinion on moving back in together. He said he doesn't want to, he finds it too soon and couldn't really give me another reason. I don't really get it though. After all this time I start finding it weird that he doesn't want to move back in together, especially since our relationship has been going really well. Sometimes I start believing he's just stringing me along and enjoys my company, but doesn't really know if he wants a future with me (although we make travel plans for the future and I know his family and friends). After all, we're 30 and 27, not 22 and 19.
What do you guys think? How much time of waiting is too much? What would you do in my shoes?
Thanks a lot.
You can't let this yo-yo relationship take over your life anymore.
Time to prioritize your own needs and focus on you, because clearly, you haven't and neither has he.
At the end of the day, time is passing by, and you can't take it back. So- bring the power back to you, because even if he did string you along, you can still pick yourself up and ask yourself what you want out of life, relationships, and your future and quit focusing on what he thinks, because what you think and feel is most important. No one will pick you up but yourself. Once you get yourself together and treat yourself right, so will others.
Who fights about taking out the garbage? It sounds like you two weren't mature enough for living together. And are you sure he's not seeing someone else? That's the only reason I can think of why he wouldn't want to move back in together. At any rate, it's time to have a talk with him about where the relationship is going. It's been a year. If he's not on the same page as you, consider finding someone who's serious about a relationship.
I kind of agree with the first lines of this. I moved in with a guy after a couple months of dating (read: WAY WAY too soon), and we had fights about big problems in the relationship, not little things. You take the garbage out because it needs to be taken out, not because you're bean counting about who's done it last.
I'm a bit of a slob (while he was someone who could tolerate a great deal of messiness), and when things got a bit unspooled, he'd turn to me on a night when we were both relaxed and calm and say "Hey babe, wanna do a little cleaning tonight?" And then we'd both turn on some music and tackle some of the essential tasks that needed to be done.
But there could be any number of reasons he doesn't want to move back in with you. While I did enjoy living with that guy, I realized that I am quite happy living on my own too.
Or maybe he's not convinced the two of you won't start squabbling about stupid stuff again and he wants to make sure the relationship is solid first.
I can see this being a problem. Usually, the benefits of living together far outweigh any negatives that come with the loss of privacy or conflicting habits. If your boyfriend doesn't see it that way, then you should question whether he is really that into you.
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