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Mike, please stop putting words in my mouth--I never said one thing about a man climbing out of the friend zone--I said that some men I found ugly at first, grew on me with acquaintance.
THAT is climbing out of the friend zone. LMAO
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Originally Posted by stepka
And, for your information, I married a man who had been my friend for 7 years, despite no chemistry. At that time I figured chemistry was nonsense too and had led me into some bad situations so I married my friend. Big mistake--after 23 years he came out gay and truth be told I was never all that happy, but I had committed and there was never a good reason to leave till he came out. There just weren't enough sparks.
That's completely insane that you would marry someone you had no attraction to. Just being honest.
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Originally Posted by stepka
Now I'm a lot smarter about it and realize that just b/c there is chemistry does not a relationship make, but there has to be some for me to go forward.
I had that one figured out by my late teens
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Originally Posted by stepka
If I really liked a man I would give it a couple of more dates, but in my experience, no chemistry on the first date means no chemistry ever. Would you truly want to continue to date someone you didn't want to kiss? No, I thought not.
Exactly. You're contradicting yourself here though because you had great chemistry with the ugly guy right? And you found him ugly at first, correct?
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Originally Posted by stepka
Oh and if all men feel just the way you say they do, then every man who's looking for a relationship would be repeatedly asking an attractive woman out even if there wasn't that special whatever you want to call it. In my experience, if they find her attractive but not relationship material they just try to get in her pants before they move on. Prove me wrong on that one. You can't. Not all are like that of course, but many are. I do believe that most men operate on this level as well but maybe not consciously.
Relationship material can mean different things, but it's not about chemistry for a man. Maybe he thinks she's dumb or lacks class or lacks compassion. Maybe the guys a douche and he needs his woman to be a certain class or be college educated or some other nonsense.
Maybe he doesn't like her personality and thinks she's annoying. Or he's really horny, but she's not good looking ENOUGH for g/f, but good looking enough for some casual fun. This has nothing to do with sparks/chemistry. I'm giving you some insight into a man. Please listen Trust me.
The amount of contradictions in your statements is unreal!
And, for your information, I married a man who had been my friend for 7 years, despite no chemistry. At that time I figured chemistry was nonsense too and had led me into some bad situations so I married my friend. Big mistake--after 23 years he came out gay and truth be told I was never all that happy, but I had committed and there was never a good reason to leave till he came out.
.
There was a good reason to leave. You had NO ATTRACTION TO HIM. You might as well have married a woman. Actually scratch that. There was no reason to marry him in the first place. It sounds like you married a man out of complete desperation(not trying to be mean, just honest) and then on top of it he's gay. He was marrying you knowing full well there was no attraction and therefore no/little sex and he could hide out in the closet by marrying you. Neither one of you were attracted to each other.
.
If I really liked a man I would give it a couple of more dates, but in my experience, no chemistry on the first date means no chemistry ever. Would you truly want to continue to date someone you didn't want to kiss? No, I thought not.
Yes, but I would never go out with someone I didn't want to kiss in the first place. I can tell from pictures(assuming accurate) if I want to kiss a girl.It's not this "chemistry" nonsense. I know for sure I'd want to kiss rachel leigh cook. I'm 100% sure and it has nothing to do with her being famous. Just looking at a picture, I know I'd want her BAD. I don't need to feel tingles/sparks blah blah on a first date, which is superficial anyway. I know she's hot just by looking at a picture. Don't even need to meet her in person.
This is one thing I don't get. Why even go out with a guy you're not attracted to. Forget marriage. Why even go on a first date. It only takes 10 seconds and you already know if there's a spark anyway. Seems like such a complete waste of time. I think a lot of women go on these first dates with guys they have no attraction to out of desperation. I think they also like the attention. Especially when the guy stokes her ego telling her how beautiful she is and pays for her.
It always ends the same...."I didn't feel the spark"....yeah no kidding! LOL You just wasted HOURS of my time for no reason. I don't go out with fat chicks I have no interest in. That's leading someone on. You should only go out with someone you have attraction to. If it fails for other reasons then that's fine, but not a lack of instant sexual attraction.
The amount of contradictions in your statements is unreal!
You are surely the most insulting person I've encountered on this forum and that is really saying something b/c you can see I've been around here a few years. The "ugly" guys didn't crawl out of the friend zone--they were not dates. Not till later for the one anyway--the other one I decided not to date but I see him weekly at a dance group. You say that I'm contradicting myself but I am not--I simply am aware of all the background info and you're not and I'm not going to go into endless detail just for your sake.
As for my ex--I was attracted to him but attraction is not enough--I need chemistry as well as attraction. You're calling it a contradiction b/c you refuse to believe that something you can't experience is real. Well it's real enough for plenty of the rest of us. And, I usually am not sure if there's chemistry at first sight---as I've said before! It takes some time, but not an incredible amount of time--one date will usually do it and I usually insist on a cheap place for a first date and paying my own way for that very reason--so I'm not wasting anyone's time. One date isn't going to break anyone's heart unless he's psycho.
And this: "You're saying that I can go on a date with a woman who thinks I'm butt ugly and she will feel this amazing chemistry for me if I just wait it out." Yanno, I've never had anyone twist my words like you do. I said that a couple of men who were ugly to me at first, grew on me with further acquaintance. Nowhere in there was advice or guarantees of anything given. With one of those men there was a great deal of chemistry and we had a relationship, and with the other one, not so much chemistry and no relationship. The ex was a mistake and I'm sure I'm the first one ever who has made such a mistake. But, since you're so much smarter than me, why are you on here badgering me about this? Hmm? I'd think you'd be in bed with some hottie right about now.
Yeah no kidding. Some women are nuts on internet dating sites. A "hi" is not enough to stroke their ego. That's really what it is. I wonder if they'd pass up on a guy with male model good looks who was a doctor because he only said hi for a first email. LOL
If he has model good looks, is a doctor, only says "hi" and doesn't have the basic details of his profile filled out, then yes, I'm going to pass on that as it has all the hallmarks of being a fake profile.
Here's the difficulty with receiving a message that just says "hi":
Sender: "Hi."
Recipient: "Hello to you, too."
And now it's back on the sender to respond and hopefully move the conversation along. I'm going to give back what I get. If there doesn't seem to be any indication of conversation progressing, I'm going to assume the guy isn't interested will move on.
That being said, I am curious as to what guys want to see in a first message from a woman. Are you going to respond to just "Hi" or do you want more? (Seriously asking. I wanted to message someone on OKC over the weekend and really didn't know what to say).
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Originally Posted by stepka
But yeah, very few women are going to say, "I can't see myself having sex with you!" So call us dodgy.
If the thought of someone kissing me good night makes me want to throw up (and not in the good "I've just been asked to prom by the captain of the football team kind of way"), then I'm not going to go out with him. No need to lead him along like that.
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Originally Posted by mikelizard860
You had great chemistry, yet no interest? LOL
I have two good male friends. With one, we found out that several people actually thought we were dating-and had been for a good 6 months. I think he's incredibly good looking, we hit it off the first time we met (at a Meetup event) but the next time I saw him (also at a Meetup event), my Spidey sense went on full alert and said "absolutely not!" To this day, I have no idea what instinctively told me to not walk, but run as he's now one of my dearest friends. (On his end, he likes blondes, which I am not).
The other friend, I don't know how many times people have jokingly told us to get a room. We shamelessly flirt and our conversations always seem to turn sexual. There is definitely "heat" between us which has grown over time-I've known him for a few years now. While I would date him, I have absolutely no reason to think he'd be interested in dating me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mikelizard860
A woman puts you in the friend zone generally because she has ZERO sexual attraction for you.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikelizard860
This is wear men are different. Men NEVER feel tingles and belly leaps and butterflies. They feel love, REAL love which is built over time. We are wired differently in this regard. This is stil all superficial stuff of course and has nothing to do with what someone is like inside. Thus, why women many times feel a connection with an absolute jackass.
The hell we are. I get sparks. My dude friends when they fall for someone you can see it on them.
That being said, I am curious as to what guys want to see in a first message from a woman. Are you going to respond to just "Hi" or do you want more? (Seriously asking. I wanted to message someone on OKC over the weekend and really didn't know what to say).
The Golden Rule can solve so many situations. If your reaction to getting a one-word conversation starter is negative or neutral at best, then why would you expect a guy to accept a lesser standard for you? You might as well spare the guy a bit of time and just send a wink or whatever.
BTW, I believe a simple "Hi" can actually be fine in real life approaches. The reason why is that you may not have any information about the person available to you beforehand. Online, you've got an entire profile to work with already. Now, from a guy's perspective, detailed emails to everybody he's potentially interested in does add up, I know from experience. I still don't agree with resorting to one-word messages, but I understand why they'd do it better.
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Trust me.
But, since you're so much smarter than me, why are you on here badgering me about this? Hmm? I'd think you'd be in bed with some hottie right about now.
