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Lilac, just because some people have had those types of experiences doesn't mean all men are shallow, weak-bodied or weak-minded mama's boys who just want someone to take care of them. I mean, we all want someone to take care of us.........but I feel very good if I'm taking care of someone else as well.
I'll say this - I'll never, ever remarry under any circumstance.
That's somewhat true. I mean, why do you think I'm on here all the time? I have no emotional support from my "wife" or any woman, and nobody else. Lots of guys are like that, unfortunately.
After a quarter-century of marital hell, all I want is some peace. By the time I get that, I'll probably be ready to die anyway.
Wanting someone to take care of you isn't shallow. Hey, I'd love to have someone cook, clean, and do all the labor for me.
It goes beyond that with these older men, though--keyword "older." I am talking about men in their 50s and older, Boomers who are now in heart attack territory and may be confronting their own mortality, either through illness or injury, or realizing that they only have so many years left and they are afraid of dying alone. The way these fellas approach partnership is very self-absorbed and more than a bit sexist. For them, what's in it for them is being taken care of. What's in it for the woman is the joy she's supposed to feel in taking care of someone. Well, women no longer see it that way. It's not our duty, and we don't get any more joy out of wiping drool off someone's face and wiping his arse than a man would in doing the same for us. It's not a labor of love for us like many older men think it is. It's just labor.
Perhaps men from later generations, Gen-X, Millennials, and beyond, will see things differently, because they grew up with mothers who worked, and they are more comfortable with the idea of woman as partner, not caregiver. But even though Boomers led the sexual revolution, Boomer men still grew up with mothers whose purpose in life was caregiving and seeing to someone else's comfort. That was the first idea of women those men had, and it is very, very tough not to resort back to that in their old age.
Whoa whoa, whoa, please if you would be so kind,
allow me to say, Lilac didn't mean all men, once again, please do not take
someone's post offensive, like they mean you personally...understand,
truthfully, there are a lot of men and women like that out there...it works both
ways, so, please, step back, take a deep breath, let it out, breath and
understand, this person is simply expressing their views in a general manner,
and they do not mean every single man on the face of this earth....
Crème, though I took issue with much of what Lilac said, it wasn't her post I was originally commenting on. It was the earlier post that said blatantly that women over a certain age don't need men at all, and all men are deficient in so many ways, etc.. that I took offense to.
Quote:
is that by your choice? Or could you leave, and I'm not telling you do do
so....but it sounds as if you are very unhappy.
Extremely unhappy, but it is a situation that would be very, very hard to get out of without major trauma, especially to the children.
Actually, there is some merit to it. My sister and friends in their 50s tell me that if they meet one more man who wants someone to "take care of" him, they're going to pull their hair out. There is a reason why so many men seek out remarriage after a divorce or widowhood. It's also why when you go to the old folks' home, a greater proportion of men than women want a partner.
But also, heterosexual men tend to get their emotional support and connection from women, namely their partners. Women tend to have larger networks for emotional support than men. Those same networks tend to meet most of women's needs for socializing and for help in a time of need, like if they fall ill. Men tend to rely on women for that stuff, and the older they get, the greater that reliance.
Yes, I'm not surprised the shallow, cynical sexist thing comes from a guy. Naturally, he's going to stand up for his gender.
The truth is, what I say is basically the truth. I read hundreds of letters from men and women on topics such as this and the general consensus is exactly what I say: mature women after 20-30 years of running the household are just plain fed up looking after their no-good needy husbands. I don't say all husbands are bad, but it IS a big enough problem that it skews the statistics on why women walk away from marriages once the kids are grown.
I learned to never say never, but probably I will never remarry. All my life I have had one woman in my life or another...........dated a lot, married for 28 years, then a live in GF for 7 more. For the past 7 or 8 years I have been single and absolutely love the freedom and the simplicity of my life.
I can come and go when I want, I don't have to consult anyone else if I want to do something, I spend all my money on me, and my life is just so stress free this way. Some people have to have someone in their life, but I have my two grown Sons and my 3 cats, and I love life just the way it is. If I want to stay up late or take a nap I don't have someone else to consider. Nor do I have someone nagging me about the money I am spending on my hobbies. Wish I could find one of those bumper stickers that reads "Single and loving it."
Ya know, all of this talk about marriage later in life, and my thoughts on Boomer men, have me thinking about another criterion: I probably wouldn't marry someone whose mother was a SAHM, especially if she never worked at any point in her life. I'd need someone who saw his own mother's fatigue after working all day and coming home to deal with house stuff, so that he understood what that entailed and saw up-close what kind of toll that can take on a woman, indeed any human being--so he would know that to expect that of a woman who is aging, herself, is kind of ridiculous.
Yes, I'm not surprised the shallow, cynical sexist
thing comes from a guy. Naturally, he's going to stand up for his gender.
Actually, I'm standing up for reason and logic.
Quote:
The truth is, what I say is basically the truth. I read hundreds of letters from
men and women on topics such as this and the general consensus is exactly what I
say: mature women after 20-30 years of running the household are just plain fed
up looking after their no-good needy husbands. I don't say all
husbands are bad, but it IS a big enough problem that it skews the statistics on
why women walk away from marriages once the kids are grown.
Lucario Crème, though I took issue with much of what Lilac said, it wasn't her post I was originally commenting on. It was the earlier post that said blatantly that women over a certain age don't need men at all, and all men are deficient in so many ways, etc.. that I took offense to.
I know, and once again, she didn't say all men....please don't take it literally, it would be impossible to mean all men, but most men....there are men that are not like that...but they are married. Lol
Quote:
Extremely unhappy, but it is a situation that would be very, very hard to get out of without major trauma, especially to the children.
I'm so sorry. And please don't take offense, right now your probably very upset at all this, happening in your life, but try and understand from a more open minded point of view when the women post...they are not directing it at you or at all men, honestly.
I learned to never say never, but probably I will never remarry. All my life I have had one woman in my life or another...........dated a lot, married for 28 years, then a live in GF for 7 more. For the past 7 or 8 years I have been single and absolutely love the freedom and the simplicity of my life.
I can come and go when I want, I don't have to consult anyone else if I want to do something, I spend all my money on me, and my life is just so stress free this way. Some people have to have someone in their life, but I have my two grown Sons and my 3 cats, and I love life just the way it is. If I want to stay up late or take a nap I don't have someone else to consider. Nor do I have someone nagging me about the money I am spending on my hobbies. Wish I could find one of those bumper stickers that reads "Single and loving it."
Don
You mention a VERY IMPORTANT point, Don.
Walking away from a relationship where there's emotional abuse (and a needy, crying, babyish husband/wife in middle age IS abuse) is made much MUCH easier by the presence of grown children to lend comfort and support. Most of the women I read about who are staying in such a marriage are childless and have no immediate family members/close friends. Without emotional support from these people walking away from a marriage becomes daunting, even impossible for men and especially women. Suicide is a likely result from the loneliness that ensues.
I learned to never say never, but probably I will never remarry. All my life I have had one woman in my life or another...........dated a lot, married for 28 years, then a live in GF for 7 more. For the past 7 or 8 years I have been single and absolutely love the freedom and the simplicity of my life.
I can come and go when I want, I don't have to consult anyone else if I want to do something, I spend all my money on me, and my life is just so stress free this way. Some people have to have someone in their life, but I have my two grown Sons and my 3 cats, and I love life just the way it is. If I want to stay up late or take a nap I don't have someone else to consider. Nor do I have someone nagging me about the money I am spending on my hobbies. Wish I could find one of those bumper stickers that reads "Single and loving it."
Don
yanno, it even says in the Bible, not all of man is meant to be married....
Walking away from a relationship where there's emotional abuse (and a needy, crying, babyish husband/wife in middle age IS abuse) is made much MUCH easier by the presence of grown children to lend comfort and support. Most of the women I read about who are staying in such a marriage are childless and have no immediate family members/close friends. Without emotional support from these people walking away from a marriage becomes daunting, even impossible for men and especially women. Suicide is a likely result from the loneliness that ensues.
now, lets change this a bit, just think for one moment if there were children and the impact this would have on them?
Awful!
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