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I was married to two really selfish men, very controlling, in need of a mother instead of a companion, who both caused mental and physical abuse.
More will probably come out, but my question is....and you can feel free to go off topic as this covers a whole lot of territory, but would you marry again?
I had enough, and since I never found a good man, really don't know if I'm missing anything or not. However, I also have single girl friends who have lost their husbands, and they say the same thing, they would never remarry. It seems we gals are very close, and we get together every week and go out to dinner. Since I work full time, I do keep them at bay, b/c I'm way to busy and tired to be involved with friends and family to much....but they are retired and not missing the married life at all. But both of them were like me, very dedicated wives who were loyal, and very giving....to the point that I believe we all gave way to much and got very little back in return. And from the old school, where women were supposed to grow up, get married, do the cooking and cleaning and hang diapers on the line, bare footed....lol
anyway, tried dating for a time, but each man I met was worse then the last, so upon finding myself in the shower getting ready to go out an meet another man, I said to myself, "What the heck and I doing and why am I doing this". Do I really need a man in my life that bad, that I'm willing to take a chance and try again, or, is it finally time, to get to know me, and regain my own personality....get to know who I am and what I want out of life? So, I did, and haven't looked back since.
So, tell me single folks, how do you feel?
What have you discovered in your single lives and do you enjoy being single, and have you found that you like yourself more, love the peace and quiet of it all.
One of my friends remembers me telling her after she lost her husband, "The longer your alone, the more you'll like it". Now she says, how true, and she has a male friend that she sees once or twice a week, but would never consider living with anyone again....
Personally, I only got into LTR's for two reasons:
1) When I was VERY young (15-18), I genuinely wanted it, but had no idea of the magnitude. Love at 16 is very different than love for an adult.
2) Because I felt like I was "supposed" to. This was in the 21-25 age.
I harbor a lot less "guilt" (or lack of a better word) with dating how I want to (which at the moment is serial dating) now and I feel a million times better. Part of it is the peace and quiet. Part of it is the variety of women that I date. I get bored easily, so even the best of women drive me nuts after a certain amount of time....and that "certain" amount isn't very long, either.
I have been single for 8 years now. Five years ago I would have said yes...probably (my ex-h was in a relationship even before I filed!) but now I am thinking, no...probably not.
I have been noodling around with plans for after my daughter goes away to college in 2 years and my nest is empty. Buy a house at the beach? Go back to Europe? Volunteer for a year in Africa? Remodel my house? Buy some horses?
The great thing is, I don't have to consult or compromise on any of these choices. Is being in another long-term committed relationship worth giving up the plans I am making for the next phase of my life? I can't see it--unless I meet up with some guy whose plans sound even better than my own!
Personally, I only got into LTR's for two reasons:
1) When I was VERY young (15-18), I genuinely wanted it, but had no idea of the magnitude. Love at 16 is very different than love for an adult.
2) Because I felt like I was "supposed" to. This was in the 21-25 age.
I harbor a lot less "guilt" (or lack of a better word) with dating how I want to (which at the moment is serial dating) now and I feel a million times better. Part of it is the peace and quiet. Part of it is the variety of women that I date. I get bored easily, so even the best of women drive me nuts after a certain amount of time....and that "certain" amount isn't very long, either.
Good post, one thing you said flew out at me....
Because I felt like I was supposed to!
How true, our generation made you feel like you had to be a couple to be successful, and if that wasn't enough, once you were a couple, then it was, "so when are you two going to get married".
So, you got married b/c you thought you were supposed to....
I was in a loveless relationship where I was a full time worker (and primary breadwinner for the first 10 years) and the only person who did the cooking, cleaning, childcare, yard work, and even home repairs. He did nothing. It was like being a indentured servant. And on top of that, he nearly bankrupted us with his horrible spending habits.
I've been on my own for a few years now and love it. I have a ton less housework to do--not even just half, it's more like a quarter of what I had to do before. There is less cooking, laundry, etc. And I am investing my money and rebuilding a nest egg after it was shattered in marriage with my ex's careless spending (I went into marriage with a positive net worth and come out with a negative net worth).
I am happier now than I've ever been. I have total control over my life and my choices and life is just easier.
I never want to live with a man again and take care of him (let alone marry him). It was a raw deal for me. That said, I am still interested in a relationship, love, sex, etc, but I see no reason to marry again.
I have learned to live alone and to realize that I don't need a man. It would be nice to have one but I don't NEED one. I CAN live without one and this realization gives me the power to be more picky on my search.
My marriage failed mostly because we were not compatible from day one. I was desperate to marry and settle. Didn't work out. I would have made it work but he didn't put in any effort (long story).
I am the only one in my extended family whose marriage did not work out. So getting divorced TWICE would be out of question for me.
I am at the point where I am rather alone or have a FWB than making too many compromises. I have learned very well now what I can tolerate, what not and what I want. I will no longer adjust so much that I forget myself over it, just to please the other person. Next time I will let the person know that I have needs, too.
I would love to get married again but I will not make too many sacrifices and I will not ignore red flags.
I have been single for 8 years now. Five years ago I would have said yes...probably (my ex-h was in a relationship even before I filed!) but now I am thinking, no...probably not.
I have been noodling around with plans for after my daughter goes away to college in 2 years and my nest is empty. Buy a house at the beach? Go back to Europe? Volunteer for a year in Africa? Remodel my house? Buy some horses?
The great thing is, I don't have to consult or compromise on any of these choices. Is being in another long-term committed relationship worth giving up the plans I am making for the next phase of my life? I can't see it--unless I meet up with some guy whose plans sound even better than my own!
Or you find someone who is very easy going and laid back. The do exist. My girlfriend is one of the most easy going and easy to deal with person ever. She's happy with about any decision I make. I'm pretty easy going with her as well. If I wanted to do any of those things you mentioned she'd probably jump at the chance to do one or to do all three.
I have been single for 8 years now. Five years ago I would have said yes...probably (my ex-h was in a relationship even before I filed!) but now I am thinking, no...probably not.
I have been noodling around with plans for after my daughter goes away to college in 2 years and my nest is empty. Buy a house at the beach? Go back to Europe? Volunteer for a year in Africa? Remodel my house? Buy some horses?
The great thing is, I don't have to consult or compromise on any of these choices. Is being in another long-term committed relationship worth giving up the plans I am making for the next phase of my life? I can't see it--unless I meet up with some guy whose plans sound even better than my own!
yes, indeed it is great isn't it....we can just do what we want to do, without compromise....life is good! And I'm not downing marriage, just isn't for me, neither are relationships, I'm way to busy and actually worship the peace and quiet. I could live somewhere in the country by myself.
As a matter of fact, it was really a chore to get my friends and family to understand, that I can't be on the phone or with them even 3 days a week, let alone more. I need my quality time, which has become so important to me, and very valuable, so, for the first time in my life, I'm pleasing myself. The only bad part about it is, I find you can become very selfish and self indulgent. But hey, ????? LOL
I was in a loveless relationship where I was a full time worker (and primary breadwinner for the first 10 years) and the only person who did the cooking, cleaning, childcare, yard work, and even home repairs. He did nothing. It was like being a indentured servant. And on top of that, he nearly bankrupted us with his horrible spending habits.
I've been on my own for a few years now and love it. I have a ton less housework to do--not even just half, it's more like a quarter of what I had to do before. There is less cooking, laundry, etc. And I am investing my money and rebuilding a nest egg after it was shattered in marriage with my ex's careless spending (I went into marriage with a positive net worth and come out with a negative net worth).
I am happier now than I've ever been. I have total control over my life and my choices and life is just easier.
I never want to live with a man again and take care of him (let alone marry him). It was a raw deal for me. That said, I am still interested in a relationship, love, sex, etc, but I see no reason to marry again.
You forced a memory to come back....
I remember walking thru the house with an arm full of laundry thinking to myself, "my God, I'm so unhappy, I feel so alone, and I could be living alone and not miss any of this". Of course it was terrible, horrible leaving, I ran around feeling so alone for such a long time and ran out trying the dating scene for a while, (bad mistake) and then, started reaching out to the only person who was going to care for me, and that was "me". Now, if I were younger, I'd know what to look for, b/c I know and like me...am confident, and know what I need and want. Before I didn't and chose the first candidate that came along....(ugh)
I think we should all encourage our kids to know how we feel and how important it is to be mentally compatible and look for someone who will be a companion and what all the wrong reasons are to get married.
oh-eve I have learned to live alone and to realize that I don't need a man. It would be nice to have one but I don't NEED one. I CAN live without one and this realization gives me the power to be more picky on my search.
oh yes, by all means, be selective, you don't deserve anything less.!!!!
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My marriage failed mostly because we were not compatible from day one. I was desperate to marry and settle. Didn't work out. I would have made it work but he didn't put in any effort (long story).
Yup, long story but basically the same.....
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I am the only one in my extended family whose marriage did not work out. So getting divorced TWICE would be out of question for me.
I thought it was for me to, honestly, however, it happened again, and I blamed them for a while, but then one day, I came to realize, self examination was the only way I could get answers as to why...what it was, I didn't think I deserved better and a whole lot of other reasons. The good part is, I learned and the answers came when I self examined instead of pointing fingers. They were human beings, but why did I chose such dysfunction.
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I am at the point where I am rather alone or have a FWB than making too many compromises. I have learned very well now what I can tolerate, what not and what I want. I will no longer adjust so much that I forget myself over it, just to please the other person. Next time I will let the person know that I have needs, too.
yes, you actually compromise your own identity...don't you. A really scary thought, then all of a sudden your alone and with who, who is this person....where did she go?
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I would love to get married again but I will not make too many sacrifices and I will not ignore red flags.
In time you may and I wish you all the best, but know if it does happen again, it will work for you. Why, b/c your now aware of who you are, what your needs are, and you'll now be selective and not settle.
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