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...soon after we were engaged and immediately after I was married, the dry spell ended. Suddenly I had guys interested in me--but I was taken and very loyal to my now ex. I also found out one of the engineers at work secretly had a crush on me and never said anything. He never crossed my mind as potential boyfriend because he never said much to me or interacted much with me. I just assumed like all other men, he had no interest in me at all. ...
Does it not seem that things always develop this way? When we're hungry, there's no food anywhere. Find a morsel, gulp it up, feel a bit more sated... and suddenly food appears everywhere! Drive down the highway, with the gas-needle on empty, the car sputtering; where are the gas stations? Signs at every exit abound for lodging and for tourist-attractions, but not for gasoline. Finally a gas station appears, you pull over, fill up the tank. At the next exit there are 10 gas stations!
Quote:
Originally Posted by jillabean
I think the "vibe" I gave off as cold (really shyness, but it came across as coldness), depressed, frustrated, etc was a HUGE turn off. ... I think, when I was in love with my ex, all that "negative energy" melted away and I was happy and that's what most men responded to. My looks certainly didn't change, just my attitude (you could say my personality).
I honestly think that's a lot of the problem so many guys (and women) have. The negative vibes with them just snowball and scare away potential dates further making that negative snowball bigger. ....
Intriguing! It's amazing that neither one's physical appearance, nor availability and presence, make the crucial difference... but subtle cues, too subtle to be noticed by the self.
I swear to god they do this on purpose. They don't say anything while you're single because they fear rejection. They tell you after you're taken because they KNOW you have to reject them then, so it's not as scary for them, but they still want to test your reaction under this safety net. (sometimes the safety net is them being taken now, not you)
My longest dating dry spell was 6 years in my early 20s. Not a date, not a flirt, nothing Of course, I was also shy and people took that as me being "witchy" or stuck up. And the shyness made me too afraid to approach anyone.
The dry spell was broken by my now ex-husband. Turned out he was gay and pretty much using me as a beard (we divorced a few year ago). But I was so hungry for a relationship that his attention was like manna to me. I did stupid things and ignored red flags that practically smacked me in the face because I was so in love. And he knew exactly how to turn on the romantic charm too. The frustrating thing (in retrospect) was soon after we were engaged and immediately after I was married, the dry spell ended. Suddenly I had guys interested in me--but I was taken and very loyal to my now ex. I also found out one of the engineers at work secretly had a crush on me and never said anything. He never crossed my mind as potential boyfriend because he never said much to me or interacted much with me. I just assumed like all other men, he had no interest in me at all. Sometimes I feel I missed out, but you know, that's the hand life dealt me and I will do the best with it.
This is what concerns me so much about the shy guys. They're not only depriving themselves of a potential relationship, the women they're secretly interested in are missing out, too. He might have been a great guy, you two might have really clicked. Little did he know how much you longed for someone to take an interest, how open you were to that. Life might have turned out very differently for both of you, and happily so, if he'd just chatted with you a few times to gauge the potential. Once you knew he was interested, you could have asked him out, and the rest might have been history. Instead, it's only the stuff of speculation.
Does it not seem that things always develop this way? When we're hungry, there's no food anywhere. Find a morsel, gulp it up, feel a bit more sated... and suddenly food appears everywhere! Drive down the highway, with the gas-needle on empty, the car sputtering; where are the gas stations? Signs at every exit abound for lodging and for tourist-attractions, but not for gasoline. Finally a gas station appears, you pull over, fill up the tank. At the next exit there are 10 gas stations!
Hehe... yeah, that's the truth (and further proof that the universe is a jerk, lol)
Originally Posted by jillabean
I think the "vibe" I gave off as cold (really shyness, but it came across as coldness), depressed, frustrated, etc was a HUGE turn off. ... I think, when I was in love with my ex, all that "negative energy" melted away and I was happy and that's what most men responded to. My looks certainly didn't change, just my attitude (you could say my personality).
I honestly think that's a lot of the problem so many guys (and women) have. The negative vibes with them just snowball and scare away potential dates further making that negative snowball bigger. ....
Well said. I think I have this problem too. Ever since I've been dating the one I'm seeing now other women have been flirting and talking to me a lot more. Including the front desk girl at the gym that I've had a crush on since I moved here.
I haven't noticed a change in myself, but maybe there is.. Or maybe just women seeing me in a relationship has helped. Who knows.
This is what concerns me so much about the shy guys. They're not only depriving themselves of a potential relationship, the women they're secretly interested in are missing out, too. He might have been a great guy, you two might have really clicked. Little did he know how much you longed for someone to take an interest, how open you were to that. Life might have turned out very differently for both of you, and happily so, if he'd just chatted with you a few times to gauge the potential. Once you knew he was interested, you could have asked him out, and the rest might have been history. Instead, it's only the stuff of speculation.
How do we address this problem, in the modern office environment? We're all terrified of sexual harassment, or even the slightest appearance thereof. Who isn't worried about being teamed with a co-worker towards whom one has expressed romantic interest, but who rebuffed the advance? Risks are just too high, especially for senior employees who have many years accumulated towards a pension. They (we) can't afford to make radical changes, moving to a different department, let alone to a different employer, this late in our careers.
Last edited by ohio_peasant; 08-13-2014 at 01:43 PM..
Well said. I think I have this problem too. Ever since I've been dating the one I'm seeing now other women have been flirting and talking to me a lot more. Including the front desk girl at the gym that I've had a crush on since I moved here.
I haven't noticed a change in myself, but maybe there is.. Or maybe just women seeing me in a relationship has helped. Who knows.
You've been pre-selected. You're more attractive to women.
How do we address this problem, in the modern office environment? We're all terrified of sexual harassment, or even the slightest appearance thereof. Who isn't worried about being teamed with a co-worker towards whom one has expressed romantic interest, but who rebuffed the advance? Risks are just too high, especially for senior employees who have many years accumulated towards a pension. They (we) can't afford to make radical changes, moving to a different employer, let alone to a different department, this late in our careers.
In jillabean's case, it's easy, since she's one of those women who has no qualms about asking men out. Her office colleague initiates a couple of harmless conversations. Occasionally smiles at her from his work station, or greets her in the hall. She gets the message, and invites him to join her for lunch. Since she made the official move, there's no risk of her filing a harassment charge. If interested, women will reciprocate once someone indicates interest. Sometimes they even initiate. A lot goes on in offices under the radar.
In jillabean's case, it's easy, since she's one of those women who has no qualms about asking men out. Her office colleague initiates a couple of harmless conversations. Occasionally smiles at her from his work station, or greets her in the hall. She gets the message, and invites him to join her for lunch. Since she made the official move, there's no risk of her filing a harassment charge. If interested, women will reciprocate once someone indicates interest. Sometimes they even initiate. A lot goes on in offices under the radar.
This is how it would work for me today... back then, I was way too shy. So really, it was his fault and mine that we never got together. Although he's the one who had the crush, not me. I liked him and if he asked me out, I would have said yes. But even without the shyness I wasn't that much into him to ask him.
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Of course, I was also shy and people took that as me being "witchy" or stuck up. And the shyness made me too afraid to approach anyone. 
