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Honestly, if you're waiting with bated breath for your ex's new marriage to blow up in her face, for your own gratification...you're not over anything.
So I found out today through a somewhat mutual friend that my ex-wife is now engaged. The guy she is engaged to is the man who got with her while we were separated. It was technically adultery. We had no children and we divorced about a year ago. I’ll spare all of the dumb details, but she had BPD, had a lot of issues and treated me really badly so I asked to leave. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love her, it’s just my only option was to leave her after years of disrespect and neglect. It long time to get over this semi-betrayal and pain.
I started casually dating a woman about 7 months ago, took things slow in the beginning, and we have become more serious in the past two months.
So I have a lot of conflicted feelings. Part of me knows that I made the right decision to leave. She was not a good personal at all, a sentiment held by friends and family. But, I’m also hurt to loved someone that much and have her never reciprocate those feelings.
What I’m struggling with now is how to confide my painful feelings to my new girlfriend. She sort of grasps magnitude of the situation but she has never been married before or been in a really toxic relationship. I don’t want her to think that I have feelings for my ex, because I would never go back to her, but I do need to talk to her about how I’m feeling. She’s a great girl and she’s been supportive.
What’s the best way to approach my new girlfriend about old problems? I don’t want to come off as soon sad, bitter guy about everything - but I feel communication about this issue is important for our relationship.
It sounds like your being more then reasonable....if it were me, and you are going to wait a while then I'd wait until your ready to pop a question....such deep feelings now, might be misunderstood....there is no right or wrong way to tell her, when the time is right, just tell her, you need to talk with her about something and you need her to think it over.
When and if the time is right, you'll know, but personally if it were me, I'd give it some time, b/c you are not yet, considering marriage, and you need more time to get to know her....
Yanno, I had a guy my last love, break up with me, b/c he said I was dishonest with him. We had only dated during the summer months....I has been running my add in the paper for years, and never found anyone, dated, but didn't find that special someone, so my age never changed....and I didn't tell him, how many marriages I had been in, b/c we were not at the point where you are now, nowhere near....so, for me, it wasn't time to tell him....but, it kept bugging me, to the point that I told him b/c I feared I was being dishonest. Several people I had asked about it advised me to not tell him, until I knew if he was the one and felt he was on the same plain. But I told him anyway, and he spazed, b/c he has been lied to and treated so badly by a woman.
So, it is really difficult to say when to discuss this with her....and how she is going to take it? If she loves you, she will understand....and if I were you, I'd take my time, don't even think about marriage, just enjoy the relationship and see where it takes you....
Compatiblity
Communication
mature self awareness, knowing what one wants, so that choices are more customized to your own self being.
Are you able to be alone, or do you need a woman on your arm to feel good about yourself?
Self examination is huge....and important for a healthy relationship, and be very honest with yourself and when you can be free of the ex, completely, wish her well and happiness, while saying good bye, then and only then would I consider sharing this with someone else. See right now, your on the rebound, and that isn't healthy for any new relationship...
This girl I'm with now wasn't my first date since I got divorced. I had three dates with one woman before I called it quits on her because she wasn't right for me. Admittedly, those threes dates with that one woman were more about validation - trying to figure out if was I broken or just bruised - and if that woman found me attractive or not. She did, but that wasn't a good enough reason to stick around. Around that time, I was coming around personally...this was 7 months ago.
So I did tell my girlfriend that my ex-wife was engaged. She was at first shocked that she got engaged that quickly but then said, "this is pretty much proof that she's pretty ill, right?" And then asked if I was at all hurt by it.
My exact words were:
"No, not really. I just know what the new guy is in for and what she's all about and I'm not really surprised by this at all."
I did reach a point of acceptance a day or two before I told her, so it wasn't like I was coming to her with loaded emotions and planning to dump my problems on her.
My girlfriend then went on to compliment my strength. We had a nice dinner, and had some good intimacy later.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cremebrulee
When and if the time is right, you'll know, but personally if it were me, I'd give it some time, b/c you are not yet, considering marriage, and you need more time to get to know her....
I agree. I'm in no hurry. I'm enjoying that lack of pressure my new girlfriend puts on me. I feel safer and secure, and in turn I'm able to better give back to her. My ex-wife pummeled me her desire to get married leading up to my proposal in our 8th or 9th month of dating, which was a huge red flag - and she has pulled this again with her new man (I guess he wasn't as strong as I thought).
My new girlfriend hasn't said a word about marriage - but she knows I'm not ready. She's pretty smart. We have talked about our future and a trip to Greece this summer, but she is very content and happy with me and how things are. She is strong and compassionate. She knows of my past struggle, but she knows that I've been very good about determining my faults and trying to fix them. I told her that was working on setting better boundaries and communicating better (the two things I had then lost in the past relationship).
This girl I'm with now wasn't my first date since I got divorced. I had three dates with one woman before I called it quits on her because she wasn't right for me. Admittedly, those threes dates with that one woman were more about validation - trying to figure out if was I broken or just bruised - and if that woman found me attractive or not. She did, but that wasn't a good enough reason to stick around. Around that time, I was coming around personally...this was 7 months ago.
So I did tell my girlfriend that my ex-wife was engaged. She was at first shocked that she got engaged that quickly but then said, "this is pretty much proof that she's pretty ill, right?" And then asked if I was at all hurt by it.
My exact words were:
"No, not really. I just know what the new guy is in for and what she's all about and I'm not really surprised by this at all."
I did reach a point of acceptance a day or two before I told her, so it wasn't like I was coming to her with loaded emotions and planning to dump my problems on her.
My girlfriend then went on to compliment my strength. We had a nice dinner, and had some good intimacy later.
I agree. I'm in no hurry. I'm enjoying that lack of pressure my new girlfriend puts on me. I feel safer and secure, and in turn I'm able to better give back to her. My ex-wife pummeled me her desire to get married leading up to my proposal in our 8th or 9th month of dating, which was a huge red flag - and she has pulled this again with her new man (I guess he wasn't as strong as I thought).
My new girlfriend hasn't said a word about marriage - but she knows I'm not ready. She's pretty smart. We have talked about our future and a trip to Greece this summer, but she is very content and happy with me and how things are. She is strong and compassionate. She knows of my past struggle, but she knows that I've been very good about determining my faults and trying to fix them. I told her that was working on setting better boundaries and communicating better (the two things I had then lost in the past relationship).
Good thoughts, but continue to self examine in the meantime....
also, love and committment are wonderful....however, doesn't mean once your married, you become a mental punching bag....and just for the record....
I do not believe your ex-wife is capable of loving anyone....
and
ya don't have to be a couple to be successful, if I were you, I'd do some traveling on my own....by yourself....
Sounds like you need to work through this with a professional. Do not drag this new girl in to your unresolved problems, this is a drain for someone new. Get to a healthier place within first.
When starting with someone new I think just saying the basics briefly about past relationships - marriage, kids, divorce If you need to go in to a big story then that's for a therapist and/or not ready to date. Either way doesn't sound fair to this new girl.
Personally I would not discuss your feelings with your new girlfriend. It easily has the capacity of being taken the wrong way. If you're not over your ex then why are you dating?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larkspur123
You can certainly share the news. Anything beyond that would make it appear that you haven't moved on and aren't able to be fully present in a new relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larkspur123
Why do you need to talk to your GF about this...why not a buddy?
I dont think you guys are correct on this one. Part of the bonding process is sharing things that are very personal to you. What could be more personal than sharing the hurt and confiding in her.
So I found out today through a somewhat mutual friend that my ex-wife is now engaged. The guy she is engaged to is the man who got with her while we were separated. It was technically adultery. We had no children and we divorced about a year ago. I’ll spare all of the dumb details, but she had BPD, had a lot of issues and treated me really badly so I asked to leave. That doesn’t mean I didn’t love her, it’s just my only option was to leave her after years of disrespect and neglect. It long time to get over this semi-betrayal and pain.
I started casually dating a woman about 7 months ago, took things slow in the beginning, and we have become more serious in the past two months.
So I have a lot of conflicted feelings. Part of me knows that I made the right decision to leave. She was not a good personal at all, a sentiment held by friends and family. But, I’m also hurt to loved someone that much and have her never reciprocate those feelings.
What I’m struggling with now is how to confide my painful feelings to my new girlfriend. She sort of grasps magnitude of the situation but she has never been married before or been in a really toxic relationship. I don’t want her to think that I have feelings for my ex, because I would never go back to her, but I do need to talk to her about how I’m feeling. She’s a great girl and she’s been supportive.
What’s the best way to approach my new girlfriend about old problems? I don’t want to come off as soon sad, bitter guy about everything - but I feel communication about this issue is important for our relationship.
It's time to let it go to be honest. She seemed to move on. So should you. First step looks like you have a new girlfriend. So spend your time trying to make this relationship work, than worrying about the past. You don't have kids either with your ex so there is basically no connection at all. You really lucked out.
Dude your EX has BPD, she is psycho. You should be shaking the new guys hand.
Do not drag your new relationship into this or take baggage from your old.
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