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Just throwing this out there for a different perspective. I'm not saying that the guy is right and the sister is wrong, but that it's not just a "given" that this guy is wrong.
Some people are just very content with the present, the status quo. While a person who is admittedly "future oriented" might get frustrated by a person like this, and see him as passive or "complacent," someone like him might say he's just good at being satisfied and happy with what he has in life. Maybe he sees "future focused" people as dissatisfied, discontented people who can't appreciate what they have in life?
If the whole uterus-alarm-clock issue were not part of the equation, would the sister still be in so much of a hurry? Would she still be this frustrated with the guy being "complacent"?
While I tend to be a motivated person, with goals, (everyone who knows me would call me a hard worker, who always meets deadlines and always tries to improve things) I also tend to be a bit like the guy being described. I'm generally satisfied with my life as-is. Sure I set goals, and put some effort into achieving them, depending on how much I value each of those goals; but if they don't pan out, I'm still pretty content. I believe in "wanting what you have" as a pretty good approach to life, instead "having what you want."
I also stay with one company for a long time without getting raises (I work in a non-profit field where raises are almost non-existent and generally controlled by the State). But I'm still satisfied with my work, and though it might be nice to have more money, I have enough to support myself, own my own house, buy nice things, and put some towards savings, so I'm not the kind of person to demand a raise or I'll move on to some other job. To me, the value of liking and knowing my current job/role well, and being good at it outweighs a few more dollars I might get elsewhere in a job I'm not so comfortable with.
When I run into people who are always dissatisfied with the present, can't appreciate what they have, and who are always focused on the future, I tend to get just as frustrated as the sister seems to be with her boyfriend. So the answer to this may not be "leave him, he'll never change" or "he's just wrong." The answer might be more in the middle: Maybe he needs to recognize her need to have kids some time in the near future and take some steps toward that goal, but she also needs to calm down a little and learn to appreciate the present, and be content with her life as it is today. I find it much nicer to be content with my life than to be a dissatisfied malcontent who always wants and needs something more.
Just throwing this out there for a different perspective. I'm not saying that the guy is right and the sister is wrong, but that it's not just a "given" that this guy is wrong.
Some people are just very content with the present, the status quo. While a person who is admittedly "future oriented" might get frustrated by a person like this, and see him as passive or "complacent," someone like him might say he's just good at being satisfied and happy with what he has in life. Maybe he sees "future focused" people as dissatisfied, discontented people who can't appreciate what they have in life?
If the whole uterus-alarm-clock issue were not part of the equation, would the sister still be in so much of a hurry? Would she still be this frustrated with the guy being "complacent"?
While I tend to be a motivated person, with goals, (everyone who knows me would call me a hard worker, who always meets deadlines and always tries to improve things) I also tend to be a bit like the guy being described. I'm generally satisfied with my life as-is. Sure I set goals, and put some effort into achieving them, depending on how much I value each of those goals; but if they don't pan out, I'm still pretty content. I believe in "wanting what you have" as a pretty good approach to life, instead "having what you want."
I also stay with one company for a long time without getting raises (I work in a non-profit field where raises are almost non-existent and generally controlled by the State). But I'm still satisfied with my work, and though it might be nice to have more money, I have enough to support myself, own my own house, buy nice things, and put some towards savings, so I'm not the kind of person to demand a raise or I'll move on to some other job. To me, the value of liking and knowing my current job/role well, and being good at it outweighs a few more dollars I might get elsewhere in a job I'm not so comfortable with.
When I run into people who are always dissatisfied with the present, can't appreciate what they have, and who are always focused on the future, I tend to get just as frustrated as the sister seems to be with her boyfriend. So the answer to this may not be "leave him, he'll never change" or "he's just wrong." The answer might be more in the middle: Maybe he needs to recognize her need to have kids some time in the near future and take some steps toward that goal, but she also needs to calm down a little and learn to appreciate the present, and be content with her life as it is today. I find it much nicer to be content with my life than to be a dissatisfied malcontent who always wants and needs something more.
It's not about either one of them being right or wrong - it's about them being right or wrong for each other. She's not happy and he doesn't seem to want to do anything to change things. It doesn't seem that they are right together.
Maybe he is a smart guy, who knows how much of a bad deal, marriage is for guys in todays world. Good for him. She needs to look for an unsuspecting dummy, so she may force him into marriage.
Or perhaps she just needs to find a good man who wants to marry her as much as she wants to marry him. That's what I did. That's what many people do. There are a lot of good men out there that want to get married and start a family.
Just throwing this out there for a different perspective. I'm not saying that the guy is right and the sister is wrong, but that it's not just a "given" that this guy is wrong.
Some people are just very content with the present, the status quo. While a person who is admittedly "future oriented" might get frustrated by a person like this, and see him as passive or "complacent," someone like him might say he's just good at being satisfied and happy with what he has in life. Maybe he sees "future focused" people as dissatisfied, discontented people who can't appreciate what they have in life?
If the whole uterus-alarm-clock issue were not part of the equation, would the sister still be in so much of a hurry? Would she still be this frustrated with the guy being "complacent"?
While I tend to be a motivated person, with goals, (everyone who knows me would call me a hard worker, who always meets deadlines and always tries to improve things) I also tend to be a bit like the guy being described. I'm generally satisfied with my life as-is. Sure I set goals, and put some effort into achieving them, depending on how much I value each of those goals; but if they don't pan out, I'm still pretty content. I believe in "wanting what you have" as a pretty good approach to life, instead "having what you want."
I also stay with one company for a long time without getting raises (I work in a non-profit field where raises are almost non-existent and generally controlled by the State). But I'm still satisfied with my work, and though it might be nice to have more money, I have enough to support myself, own my own house, buy nice things, and put some towards savings, so I'm not the kind of person to demand a raise or I'll move on to some other job. To me, the value of liking and knowing my current job/role well, and being good at it outweighs a few more dollars I might get elsewhere in a job I'm not so comfortable with.
When I run into people who are always dissatisfied with the present, can't appreciate what they have, and who are always focused on the future, I tend to get just as frustrated as the sister seems to be with her boyfriend. So the answer to this may not be "leave him, he'll never change" or "he's just wrong." The answer might be more in the middle: Maybe he needs to recognize her need to have kids some time in the near future and take some steps toward that goal, but she also needs to calm down a little and learn to appreciate the present, and be content with her life as it is today. I find it much nicer to be content with my life than to be a dissatisfied malcontent who always wants and needs something more.
I actually agree with you in many respects. I think there could potentially be a middle ground for my sister and her bf. I actually think she's more than willing to meet him in the middle and, honestly, she's looking for any reason to stay with him. The problem is that he will not give her ANY assurance that she will get what she really wants and, like it or not, the biological clock thing is real and something she can't just ignore.
I think my sister realizes that she should probably leave, but she really doesn't want to do that. She doesn't want to "start over" again. I can't say I blame her, but at the same time if he can't give her any assurance at all it seems foolish to stay. As I posted above somewhere, all she wants from him right now is to say something like "I want those things too and when the time is right they will happen." But he won't say that even after having it spoonfed to him. That's what concerns me, as an outsider.
I actually agree with you in many respects. I think there could potentially be a middle ground for my sister and her bf. I actually think she's more than willing to meet him in the middle and, honestly, she's looking for any reason to stay with him. The problem is that he will not give her ANY assurance that she will get what she really wants and, like it or not, the biological clock thing is real and something she can't just ignore.
I think my sister realizes that she should probably leave, but she really doesn't want to do that. She doesn't want to "start over" again. I can't say I blame her, but at the same time if he can't give her any assurance at all it seems foolish to stay. As I posted above somewhere, all she wants from him right now is to say something like "I want those things too and when the time is right they will happen." But he won't say that even after having it spoonfed to him. That's what concerns me, as an outsider.
The bolded is a red flag. She and he are not on the same page on some crucial issues, and he's made it clear to her that he has no intention of being on the same page with her. That should be the end of the story for her, she should move on and find someone who would be thrilled to be on the same page with her. Those men are out there.
This block against "starting over" is all in her mind. She should look at it as an opportunity, not an ordeal. "Starting over" means opening yourself up to exciting possibilities.
Frankly, it sounds like your sister has become depressed. She's viewing everything negatively, and has lost hope in finding compatibility and happiness. She even views herself negatively, believing she's no longer attractive. (At 30! What a laugh! The 30's are when many women hit their peak attractiveness!) Instead of going out to look for her dream, she's stuck in a pattern of trying to get a square peg to fit into a round hole. It's not gonna happen.
I never really understand females that stay with guys they know deep down are not going to give them what they desire out of life.
What's the point? Because you choose to love him?
I don't get it...
Right. Or because you have a block against "starting over"? So, what, you prefer to live with the wrong choice you made in your 20's, just so you don't have to "start over" at 30? That's irrational.
She's in her prime. She should make the most of it, and not waste any more of it on a guy who's not compatible in some key areas.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-30-2014 at 01:43 PM..
Does she really want to marry someone she has to talk into getting married? What if agrees to get married, but then drags his feet for years on having children? 30 is PLENTY of time to meet someone else, marry, and have children, but 30 is still 30 and if her goal is marriage and kids, then why stay with someone who doesn't also really want those things? He's 37, they've been together 2 years, he's long term employed - if he wanted to get married, he would have asked her by now. Obviously marriage just isn't important to him.
Lately, my sister has been calling me a lot to talk about her relationship with her bf. I wish I could help in some way, but I honestly have no idea what to tell her because I find his behavior very confusing.
The short version of the story is that my sister wants to get married and have a family. She has always wanted this from a very young age and has always been upfront about that with the men she's dated. She's 30 years old and her bf is 37 (I think) and they have been dating for 2 years.
In general, her bf is extremely complacent. He just doesn't take action on much, I guess. For example, he got a job out of college and is still working for the same company. He hadn't gotten a raise in several years and my sister said he should ask for one. She asked him what he would do if they said no and he said "eh, nothing, I guess." In order to see any "progress" in their relationship my sister basically has to demand it. At first they weren't using the bf/gf terms until she basically walked away from him, then he started calling her his gf.
It's been a couple years and my sister wants to know that things are headed somewhere because she is getting older and worried that she may end up waiting forever and never get engaged, married, and may miss out on having a family. When she tries to talk to him about these things he will often say that she's pressuring him, even though she has never asked him for a timeframe. He says he wants the same things, but then he does nothing. He doesn't bring anything up unless she specifically asks him what he wants and he does not ask her what she wants for the future. All she wants from him is to say "I want the same things and they will happen when the time is right" but I guess he won't give her even that much.
So, basically, he says he wants what she does but it seems like he never thinks about the future at all. If he does think about the future, he never tells my sister. She loves him and he says he loves her. From my perspective, he seems like a great guy when I see him.
Anyway, I just don't understand him and neither does my sister. We're both future-focused people, I guess. We like to know we're working toward something and we both tend to plan our big picture future to some extent, but we realize that of course even the best laid plans can fail and life isn't a fairy tale. His total aversion to thinking about anything in the future is unusual to both of us. Do you think she's wasting her time?
You can't force anyone to do what they don't want to do. Simple as that. Your sister's problem is, she stayed.
I wed my husband only within 2 months of dating, I told him what I want - marriage or we live together. He was ok with only me spending weekends at his house, I told him I am not ok with that because I don't want to feel used. He married me eventually but not after breaking up with me for 3 days.
Just now, he got STD test. Because I told him if he doesn't get one, I will divorce him. I am not forcing him. I am just basically saying what will happen if he doesn't get tested. I actually thought he wouldn't so I was surprised when he told me when he came to our room that he will get his test. So we are just waiting for the result.
When my husband broke up with me when we were dating after I told him what I want, coz obviously he is not gonna say yes I will marry you, right away, I really thought that was it. But 3 days later, he wrote an email to me and basically asking me to marry him.
There is NOTHING to understand with his behavior. He simply isn't into your sister. Or he is not the marrying type.
My question is, why did your sister stayed/waited this long?
Last edited by meaning; 05-01-2014 at 05:04 PM..
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