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Yeah, but that makes sense and is relatively managable. It's much more fun to speculate about information not in evidence that would spell the end of the relationship.
I've never posted on a forum before (been shy about it I guess?) but I'd love to get some objective advice about my boyfriend.
We've been dating maybe 9 months now. He's a great person and I like many things about his character and personality. The sex was good in the beginning, but it's been dwindling for the last four months. We went from once a day in the beginning, to twice a week, to once a month. He says his libido is low, he doesn't know why, and that this has never happened to him before. He's working quite a bit and is stressed out a fair amount. He doesn't initiate sex and turns me down at least 95% of the time that I initiate. We're together all the time (every night) unless we're at work, and he's not watching porn at home and I highly doubt he watches it at work. He's a bit modest, maybe a bit reserved.
When I try to talk to him about this issue he gets defensive and angry and says we should talk about it later, that he doesn't know why this is happening, and that he's embarrassed about having a low sex drive. I've suggested that he should see a doctor and he agreed but won't schedule an appointment. I told him that maybe we should go to couples counseling about it and he agreed, so maybe that would be a solution? We're supposed to move in together in a month. I care very much about him and think I'd be lucky to spend my life with him and could see a future with him, but I'm worried that our sex life would be nonexistent and I won't be able to adjust to it. He's incredibly sweet, handsome, smart, generous, kind, attentive, patient, caring, respectful, and good. He's a catch. However, he seems distant with me quite a bit like he's busy thinking about things a mile away, or maybe he's just bored - not sure if this is related to the low sex drive. We cuddle and are physically affectionate, but I initiate it 100% and take the lead on it. He doesn't seem to be a touchy-feely person, so I thought maybe I'm smothering him and that's getting to him. When I've asked if he's bored, not attracted to me, or if he's seeing me too much he says no and gets defensive. He wants to spend every single day together, which wasn't something I was used to in a relationship but I adjusted to it. We get along very, very well. We think alike and our personalities are very similar and I would absolutely love to make it work with him.
Is this a lull in the relationship? Are we just getting comfortable, maybe spending a bit too much time together? I've never known a guy to have a nonexistent sex drive. I haven't gained any weight or changed anything about my appearance. I dress up and it doesn't seem to do anything for him anymore. He's 27. I'm 25. I've probably read fifty blogs, relationship posts, and articles on psychology today on the subject of low male libidos and I'm still at a loss with my situation. Any insight is greatly appreciated.
If you are talking about couples counseling and only been together for 9 months it is time to move on and find someone else. Requesting counseling with so little time invested is a huge issue in my opinion and the lack of libido is an indication that neither of you can handle stress very well. With him it is work and all the pressure from you which has likely caused his sexual issue. With you it is the lack of sexual interest from him so you keep putting more pressure on him physically. Now you want to add even more pressure on him mentally and emotionally by requiring couples counseling and the continuous "wanting to talk about it".
Leave the man alone for a while and let him deal with the stress his own way and quit pressuring him to be "who you think he should be" and let him be who he is.
Can he take a week off from work and just use it to relax and recharge? If it's work-related stress, hopefully that will help isolate the issue. If not, then get the medical evaluation scheduled, and counseling if that turns up nothing. While he sounds like a generally good guy, this isn't something you should look past or let slide before going further.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by homina12
Yeah, but that makes sense and is relatively managable. It's much more fun to speculate about information not in evidence that would spell the end of the relationship.
I would not move in with him until after all of his problems are resolved. Since the two of you will be going to couples counseling, I would go by what the counselor tells both of you before taking your relationship to the next level. I would also tell the counselor that he will not make a doctors appt. regarding his low sex drive.
Last edited by snugglegirl05; 05-02-2014 at 09:05 AM..
What if he gets checked out and it turns out he does have low libido caused by low testosterone. Would you stick by him? Personally, stress causes me to crave sex more as a source of release.
Make an appointment for him at his doctor's office. He might not go, but this is the most you can do.
If he is not on medications that lower libido (e.g. antidepressants), I think it is a physical problem and counseling won't help. (And I am the one who always recommends counseling on this forum!)
Exception maybe if he is depressed and not taking meds -- but it would have to be pretty extreme depression to cause such a change, and I would think you would have mentioned that in the OP.
I think there is something he's not telling you, and he doesn't want to go to the doc because then you will find out.
Probably not cheating, because I think you would suspect that. Maybe medications. Maybe he is gay or trans. Maybe a fetish. Maybe drugs. Basically it could be anything.
But if he is not going to open up and tell you, or if he keeps dealing with this minor adversity by sticking his head in the sand and pretending nothing is wrong, then he is not marriage material. You need a partner who can cope with life's problems, and who has enough empathy for you that, even if something doesn't bother him, the fact that it is a problem for you is enough to spur him to action.
He says it has not happened before. If that were true, he would be interested in finding out why it's happening now. Trust me, it has happened before and isn't going to change. Later on, if you move in and being further entrenched, he will be accusing you of being the one with a problem for even wanting to have sex.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,935,179 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by NilaJones
It's not the stress.
Stress is a huge killer of libido in many people.
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