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Old 12-10-2007, 08:19 PM
 
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
10,592 posts, read 21,370,461 times
Reputation: 6021
Is it posible that its not so much baggage as maybe a psychiatric problem such as bipolar disorder?
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Old 12-10-2007, 09:31 PM
 
Location: the show-me state
672 posts, read 1,457,293 times
Reputation: 742
Quote:
Originally Posted by NooYowkur81 View Post
I very recently started dating a woman. Physically she is totally my type. I like her personality. We also have a lot of things in common. She seems to have a good heart, and seems like a good person.

However, she has quite the bit of baggage. She recently just got out of a 3 year relationship. She also has untreated depression. Not to mention she's got financial issues that add to her depression and baggage.

Her behavior can be very erratic. When she's up, she spontaneous and fun and it's great, when she's down things get awkward. At times I feel like I'm being a little cold, but I just don't want to invest myself too much, considering the risks.

All this stuff is ringing up warning bells in my head. A part of me wants to run away, but part of me wants to give her a chance. I'm torn because I like her and I want to help her, but I also don't want to expose myself and end up hurt, or just end up being used as some kinda rebound shoulder to cry on guy.

Any advice?


Well, I believe that only you can know if you're willing to try and make this situation work. The first thing you will need is to be a very patient type of person. I say this because although things can get better, and most likely will, it won't be an overnight thing. Then, it helps to try and look beyond how things are right now. What I mean is to envision how things could be in a few YEARS. Thats right. A few YEARS. It really can take that long for some people to re-adjust to normal life. I met a woman about four years ago who had a lot on her plate to say the least. But I really did care about her, so I hung in there, though it wasn't easy. I suggest that once you know whats really got her in a bad mental state, that you educate yourself on whatever it is. There is really no situation that doesn't have a ton of reputable information out there concerning it. She will benefit from counseling if she will go, but you will benefit from having factual information about what she is trying to deal with. That information will help you determine what you should or shouldn't do, say or shouldn't say, and will be helpful. I don't believe any person (man or woman) should turn another person into a project to work on and try to fix. That won't work anyway. But if you really care about this woman, and believe she can get better, then I say go ahead and try to make it work. Because it CAN!
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Old 12-11-2007, 07:50 AM
 
Location: Bronx, NY
7,527 posts, read 12,703,725 times
Reputation: 2209
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lindsey_Mcfarren View Post
Is it posible that its not so much baggage as maybe a psychiatric problem such as bipolar disorder?
Well I'm certainly not a doctor or a therapist. I definitely think she could use some sort of professional help. We've actually talked about it, and like a lot of people that have these type of problems she doesn't really know where to go. She's concerned about the cost of it and she's concerned they will put her on medication.
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Old 12-11-2007, 01:43 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,680 posts, read 20,778,950 times
Reputation: 9765
It's okay to help her out as a friend. And don't give or lend her any money. Money issues have ruined many a friendship. Whatever her money problems are, steer her in the direction of organizations that help those with low income, help her manage her money better and push get a part time job. Verbal encouragement is okay. But don't be her financial crutch. People like that can be a money pit.
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Old 12-20-2007, 11:58 AM
 
Location: Bronx, NY
7,527 posts, read 12,703,725 times
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Well just to keep everyone updated, I have good news. She's managed to look for help and she's slowly getting herself together. She was told by a professional that she's not bi-polar (sigh of relief ). But she was told she had treatable anxiety problems.

I don't help her out financially, and she hasn't asked for anything of the sort. If she did, I'd probably cut the cord.

We're taking things real slow, and so far so good. Things might just work out after all.
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Old 12-20-2007, 12:11 PM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
3,403 posts, read 8,880,915 times
Reputation: 5596
Thanks for the update. And thankyou, on behalf of females that are carrying around considerable amounts of baggage, for not turning coat and running.

Life is a journey. You can't fault someone just for being further along than you are, or for taking the harder road than you did. We are to be considered lucky, if we can find but one true soul to keep pace with us along our travels.

Good tidings to you and yours.
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Old 12-20-2007, 03:58 PM
 
Location: huh?
3,100 posts, read 19,220 times
Reputation: 468
listen to your gut! that's what it's for!
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Old 12-20-2007, 04:21 PM
 
5,108 posts, read 7,293,474 times
Reputation: 3443
Quote:
Originally Posted by NooYowkur81 View Post
It's only been a few weeks. It's still very very early. I can easily pull away. Like I said I'm torn because I do like her, and part of me thinks she's worth a gamble.
what may be most telling is how willing she is to work on her self and her stuff. If 2 or 3 or 10 years or months down the road she is still in the same place and blaming everyone and just wanting to be rescued, then progress is not being made. If on the other hand she is working on herself in some way and taking responsibility for her stuff (debt, finances, therapy, counseling, whatever) and has an attitude of seeking to improve her situation, then that is very hopeful. 12-step programs are great because they are free and accessible.

It's sort of a pitfall though to build an entire relationship on "someday when she changes" otherwise known as falling in love with someone's potential which is generally remarkably UNSATISFYING
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Old 12-20-2007, 05:29 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,680 posts, read 20,778,950 times
Reputation: 9765
Quote:
Originally Posted by DiamondD View Post
It's sort of a pitfall though to build an entire relationship on "someday when she changes" otherwise known as falling in love with someone's potential which is generally remarkably UNSATISFYING
So true! And how often are women scolded for marrying a man with issues then trying to make him better?

If that someone with issues (and who doesn't have some?) already knows that they have a problem and they are in the process of working to make things better, that is less of a problem. But if that same someone is oblivious to their problems and is refusing to turn their life around for themselves, then I would give them a wide berth.

Some simple examples would be anyone who smokes cigarettes or drinks too much. In both cases, they have to want to quit on their own and for themselves, and not because their friends are nagging them to. They aren't going to get better until they are ready to on their own.
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Old 12-20-2007, 05:42 PM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,063 posts, read 3,096,616 times
Reputation: 914
Quote:
Originally Posted by NooYowkur81 View Post
I very recently started dating a woman. Physically she is totally my type. I like her personality. We also have a lot of things in common. She seems to have a good heart, and seems like a good person.

However, she has quite the bit of baggage. She recently just got out of a 3 year relationship. She also has untreated depression. Not to mention she's got financial issues that add to her depression and baggage.

Her behavior can be very erratic. When she's up, she spontaneous and fun and it's great, when she's down things get awkward. At times I feel like I'm being a little cold, but I just don't want to invest myself too much, considering the risks.

All this stuff is ringing up warning bells in my head. A part of me wants to run away, but part of me wants to give her a chance. I'm torn because I like her and I want to help her, but I also don't want to expose myself and end up hurt, or just end up being used as some kinda rebound shoulder to cry on guy.

Any advice?
Ironic I should open this to read after corresponding with the two depressed people in my life. Depression took hold of my family about 20 years ago and it's a wild ride; not for the faint of heart when your are the one trying to support and love them.

How I will always judge an SO from this point on, is if they were already happy without me. I don't want to complete anyone, I no longer want to be responsible for someone else's happiness. I just want the mutual enhancement of established happiness. Does that make sense?

On the other hand, you can see depression as the illness it is and help, but then they have to hold up to their part of the bargain and take their meds, etc, which is not always the case.

I wish I could share with you the journal I kept of over five years with living with a depressed man. It's not pretty and even I can't take it out to read unless I want to relive that black cloud that loomed over him every time he came home. You can bend over backwards for these poor souls and nothing, and I mean NOTHING can make things better for them long term unless they own up to their own treatment and their impact on other's lives.

I was a door mat...a sympathetic door mat and it still didn't work out, no matter how stoically I waded through their blue muck of a life. You can shovel a path for them, open every door hoping to inspire them, try to keep yourself upbeat and grateful, but then they crawl under their bed of doom and not come out without a really neat carrot.

Hope this helps you make a decision.
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