Dating someone with a lot of baggage. Is it worth it? (married, advice)

[_redbird_]

I know you said you have just met this person. But for what its worth, I say never turn your back on a potential soul mate. If love blooms and grows, at least IMO, then cherish it.

Loving a partner with depression is still love. Whoever your future S.O. may be, if you should be so blessed, may have some or any number of character defects. Yours is part medical (depression) and part life choices (the financial debtedness).

Personally, I choose not to withdraw my love from someone who lives with depression. My companion has depression and so,...we deal with it. Sometimes its tough, but I like to think underneath that depression is someone I love and respect.

As for financial problems, er uhm, that requires a little restraint and self discipline, AND I'M WORKING ON IT!!!

Maybe the fact that your having red flags waving means YOU are the one with the issues. Not really, just giving you food for thought.

Whatever your choice ends up, be good to her.

P.S. Even if you don't "feel up to" dealing with her baggage, just remember we all grow old together and she may the one who loves you enough to care for YOU through thick and thin. As in old age, cancer, disease, or alzheimers.

[SeattlitefromNC]

Originally Posted by redbird4848

I know you said you have just met this person. But for what its worth, I say never turn your back on a potential soul mate. If love blooms and grows, at least IMO, then cherish it.

As for financial problems, er uhm, that requires a little restraint and self discipline, AND I'M WORKING ON IT!!!

Any woman who has dealt with divorce (raise your hands, ladies!) knows that it can be the financial equivalent of an atomic bomb! And as everyone knows, half of marriages end. That's a LOT of women -- old and young -- to be writing off so quickly.

I, too, am of the opinion that as long as your girl is actively trying to fix her issues (but maintaining boundaries, so they do not spill over into your world), then you should give her a chance. You never know.

[BrokenPicker]

I don't what i am doing in terms of using this site correctly (as well as many other areas of life!) I hope i don't step on any one's toes but here goes!

Hey Folks!

Need some input from around the globe. Met a dude - we hit it off on a friendship basis (he was on business in my area - he's an accomplished/respected person in his field). Right off the bat he disclosed a lot of stuff (too much I think but i am glad he did (in some ways) - not so sure if he was purposefully forthright OR he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and finally found a trusting ear (yeah, thats me))...Nevertheless, here's what he disclosed in general: His wife of 10 years beats him (he's seriously caught up in the battered person syndrome); she controls all the money/keys to the house; he sleeps in a doorless room on the floor (she claimed to renovate but didn't get very far) or sometimes he sleeps in his car/office if things get too rough; they have kids (teens) and he says he stayed (he has since filed for divorce) for the sake of the children. Last big disclosure was this: his wife engaged herself in prostitution and when he found out he still didn't leave. We are just friends but i know there exists an attraction esp before all the scoop was released, and that is until the latest info he released...i am pretty much a country girl with very little experience/exposure to any of this heavy-duty stuff...I am also strong in my faith and feel i cannot walk away from anyone suffering (male or female/young or old) w/o a clear conscience...but this is a bit over my head. What would you do? How would you handle it?

[nebulous1]

Originally Posted by SeattlitefromNC

Any woman who has dealt with divorce (raise your hands, ladies!) knows that it can be the financial equivalent of an atomic bomb! And as everyone knows, half of marriages end. That's a LOT of women -- old and young -- to be writing off so quickly.

I, too, am of the opinion that as long as your girl is actively trying to fix her issues (but maintaining boundaries, so they do not spill over into your world), then you should give her a chance. You never know.

My thoughts exactly.
Gee...who is perfect? Who doesn't have problems?
I guess the important thing is to figure out what things you can live with and can't...
There is a big difference between an emotional abuser and someone who leaves the toilet seat up.

[Twinkle Toes]

Originally Posted by BrokenPicker

I don't what i am doing in terms of using this site correctly (as well as many other areas of life!) I hope i don't step on any one's toes but here goes!

Hey Folks!

Need some input from around the globe. Met a dude - we hit it off on a friendship basis (he was on business in my area - he's an accomplished/respected person in his field). Right off the bat he disclosed a lot of stuff (too much I think but i am glad he did (in some ways) - not so sure if he was purposefully forthright OR he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and finally found a trusting ear (yeah, thats me))...Nevertheless, here's what he disclosed in general: His wife of 10 years beats him (he's seriously caught up in the battered person syndrome); she controls all the money/keys to the house; he sleeps in a doorless room on the floor (she claimed to renovate but didn't get very far) or sometimes he sleeps in his car/office if things get too rough; they have kids (teens) and he says he stayed (he has since filed for divorce) for the sake of the children. Last big disclosure was this: his wife engaged herself in prostitution and when he found out he still didn't leave. We are just friends but i know there exists an attraction esp before all the scoop was released, and that is until the latest info he released...i am pretty much a country girl with very little experience/exposure to any of this heavy-duty stuff...I am also strong in my faith and feel i cannot walk away from anyone suffering (male or female/young or old) w/o a clear conscience...but this is a bit over my head. What would you do? How would you handle it?

What would I do??? I would run as fast as I could from this guy. You are just opening up a can-o-worms to stick around someone with these kinds of problems!

[miu]

Originally Posted by BrokenPicker

Hey Folks!

Need some input from around the globe. Met a dude - we hit it off on a friendship basis (he was on business in my area - he's an accomplished/respected person in his field). Right off the bat he disclosed a lot of stuff (too much I think but i am glad he did (in some ways) - not so sure if he was purposefully forthright OR he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and finally found a trusting ear (yeah, thats me))...Nevertheless, here's what he disclosed in general: His wife of 10 years beats him (he's seriously caught up in the battered person syndrome); she controls all the money/keys to the house; he sleeps in a doorless room on the floor (she claimed to renovate but didn't get very far) or sometimes he sleeps in his car/office if things get too rough; they have kids (teens) and he says he stayed (he has since filed for divorce) for the sake of the children. Last big disclosure was this: his wife engaged herself in prostitution and when he found out he still didn't leave. We are just friends but i know there exists an attraction esp before all the scoop was released, and that is until the latest info he released...i am pretty much a country girl with very little experience/exposure to any of this heavy-duty stuff...I am also strong in my faith and feel i cannot walk away from anyone suffering (male or female/young or old) w/o a clear conscience...but this is a bit over my head. What would you do? How would you handle it?

It's okay to care about him, but don't confuse your feelings of intense concern for romantic love. There are many kinds of love and most of it has nothing to do with being a couple. Be his friend, not his future lover. What you can do for him is to help him seek professional counseling. Start by talking to your church's pastor.

[Rance]

If he's going through that and still there...he's got bigger issues than his so called wife. I'd not get to involved. He seems a little weak in the head to me.

[Fat Freddy]

When my wife and I first got together, we both had a lot of baggage.

There was no room for it in our relationship, so left it with our former partners.

We eventually acquired some new baggage, but it's not a problem carrying it because over the years we have learned how to lift together, and push and pull in synch.

[Synopsis]

Originally Posted by NooYowkur81

I very recently started dating a woman. Physically she is totally my type. I like her personality. We also have a lot of things in common. She seems to have a good heart, and seems like a good person.

However, she has quite the bit of baggage. She recently just got out of a 3 year relationship. She also has untreated depression. Not to mention she's got financial issues that add to her depression and baggage.

Her behavior can be very erratic. When she's up, she spontaneous and fun and it's great, when she's down things get awkward. At times I feel like I'm being a little cold, but I just don't want to invest myself too much, considering the risks.

All this stuff is ringing up warning bells in my head. A part of me wants to run away, but part of me wants to give her a chance. I'm torn because I like her and I want to help her, but I also don't want to expose myself and end up hurt, or just end up being used as some kinda rebound shoulder to cry on guy.

Any advice?

Listen to those warning bells. Usually, if someone has such issues and has refused to address them on their own, they won't address them as a couple either and will rely heavily upon you for support (unhealthy support). That's not to say that you two couldn't be the happiest couple on the face of the earth.

Having been down on your luck is one thing, but the combination of multiple issues can be a big warning sign.

Best of luck to you and to her.

[Lindsey_Mcfarren]

I am always nervous about someone who is adamant they don't want to take medication without even knowing what is wrong with them. This is one of the things that people who are pretty unwell suffer from. They refuse to admit a problem and that they need help. For some reason refusal of treatment is a big thing with these people.