Dating someone with a lot of baggage. Is it worth it? (marriage, woman)

[NooYowkur81]

I very recently started dating a woman. Physically she is totally my type. I like her personality. We also have a lot of things in common. She seems to have a good heart, and seems like a good person.

However, she has quite the bit of baggage. She recently just got out of a 3 year relationship. She also has untreated depression. Not to mention she's got financial issues that add to her depression and baggage.

Her behavior can be very erratic. When she's up, she spontaneous and fun and it's great, when she's down things get awkward. At times I feel like I'm being a little cold, but I just don't want to invest myself too much, considering the risks.

All this stuff is ringing up warning bells in my head. A part of me wants to run away, but part of me wants to give her a chance. I'm torn because I like her and I want to help her, but I also don't want to expose myself and end up hurt, or just end up being used as some kinda rebound shoulder to cry on guy.

Any advice?

[Marylandkitten]

No one is perfect in this day and age. Financial troubles she can get herself out of in time. Emotional baggage, hmmmmm. How much more do you think you'd be hurting her if you rejected her because of it?

Quality in a sucessful relationship, would be if the partner was more interested in where you two as a couple were heading into the future, rather than being so wrapped up in what she had to go through in her past.

Some things get better over time and love and trust. Some don't. If you like her, then support her, rather than running her through your laundry list of reasons why she might be setting off alarms in your head and ditching her just because not "every" possible aspect of her nature is genuinely appealing or convinient to you at the time.

I'm not telling you to stay with her and tough it out... by all means. I would go to great lengths to emphasize NOT to stay with her, if you can't accept her as an entire package. I'm sure there is someone out there who can and will.

[dixierox]

When you say "recently" just how recent are you talking?

I was a woman with some baggage when I entered my latest relationship but I didn't make it that any of his concern. Those were my issues and because I liked him enough, I didn't want to weigh him down. I wanted him to get to like and know the best part of me.
I know we all have our "baggage" of some sort so i don't want to throw her under the bus either. I would be concerend if it consumes her and the relationship you are trying to start.

[songinthewind7]

Everybody has some type of baggage to deal with.
You just recently started going out with her so you need to get to know her a little better before giving up.
She may or may not be able to handle another relationship right now (depending on why she got out of the other relationship)
I would take it slow, maybe put a time limit on it, like 3 months and go from there.

[NooYowkur81]

Originally Posted by dixierox

When you say "recently" just how recent are you talking?

I was a woman with some baggage when I entered my latest relationship but I didn't make it that any of his concern. Those were my issues and because I liked him enough, I didn't want to weigh him down. I wanted him to get to like and know the best part of me.
I know we all have our "baggage" of some sort so i don't want to throw her under the bus either. I would be concerend if it consumes her and the relationship you are trying to start.

It's only been a few weeks. It's still very very early. I can easily pull away. Like I said I'm torn because I do like her, and part of me thinks she's worth a gamble.

[Marylandkitten]

Originally Posted by NooYowkur81

Like I said I'm torn because I do like her, and part of me thinks she's worth a gamble.

*coughs quietly* Hopefully the same person that stuck their head in my thread and offered this advice, will make an appearance here as well

"No risk, no gain."

You could do what I'm doing OP, and sit and wait for the perfect person to fall into your lap (or your shopping cart at Home Depot. I'll let you know when it works out!

[dixierox]

Originally Posted by NooYowkur81

It's only been a few weeks. It's still very very early. I can easily pull away. Like I said I'm torn because I do like her, and part of me thinks she's worth a gamble.

I think it's great that you are thinking with an open mind and willing to go that extra mile. Not many people do that. They would run the other way like they were on fire and never look back. Just to find out later they were running from something really great.

I hope it works out for you...whatever you want.

[Lillietta]

I have to disagree with the rest of the people here. There is baggage and there is baggage. Living with a depressed person is a downer and not worth it. If you were married, that would be different - for better or for worse. But why chase trouble. She sounds very troubled - may be bipolar. If that is the case, there are meds, but she has to take them forever. The best case scenario: Don't marry; see how it goes. She needs treatment. Your wanting to run away is a wake-up call. Never ever ignore those wake-up calls. If you bury them in the sand, you will be miserable. They won't go away.

[Mrs. H]

I am going to have to agree with Lillietta. There is some baggage which is not as troublesome as other types of baggage. I came into my marriage with little baggage whereas hubby had his fair share in addition to money issues. However, I decided early on when we were friends that he would be worth it to any girl since he was able to pick himself up from the ground when his marriage and post-marriag ended so miserably. So...I guess it depends on how strong your feelings are for this person and if you see the long road for both of you as treacherous and difficult or a little difficult but overall can be paved smoothly...you know?

[mollyblythe]

My first impression in response to your post was that same little warning signal that Lillietta mentioned regarding bipolar disorder. The up and down moods and the possibility of some chaotic history ("baggage") might reflect that. If that's the case, it's sometimes difficult to find the right medications to treat it and compliance is often a significant issue. People with bipolar disorder can be very bright, creative and engaging when energy is more up. When it's too up, behavior can be emotional, erratic and often bizarre. The up and down (depressed) cycles are usually dismaying to others.

Not that this is at all definitive nor should it dissuade you from being open to getting further acquainted. Relationships don't have to happen in a hurry. Just keep your eyes open, proceed with reasonable caution, don't overinvest too early, ask a few more questions and listen to your "little voice" as you go along. Best wishes to you.