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I love my gf and she loves me and I actually want to marry her after a year of dating. But she does want kids, where as I feel I do not. Well I never wanted kids really.
My friend's say that's crazy talk, and I would be a fantastic dad. They also said that you don't want kids until you've had them. Two of my friends who have had kids without planning concur on that. Once you have them, you want them.
I don't know if that's true, but it sounds like it very well could be, since people naturally love their children.
My gf seems to think I want them. She said if I never wanted kids this whole time, I would have gotten a vasectomy. I guess the reason why I never got a vasectomy is because a few years ago, when I decided I wanted one, the doctor talked me out of it, and put fear in me of possibly regret, based on other patients, who change their minds later, even though they seem certain at the time. But she says I would have gotten one if I didn't want them.
She and my friends asked me why I don't want kids. Well I guess the reason is, is that I never really desired to have the responsibility. I want to focus on career, and travel. I want to get into the filmmaking business and that would eat up a lot of time. But even if I did have time in between, I still never desired children ever.
My gf who knows me very well, says the reason might not want to have a kid is because of my own childhood trauma. And it is possibly true, and I feel I want not much to do with kids, cause when I think of my trauma, I then think I don't want anything to do with raising kids, or anything to do with childhood. My gf says that it's fear that is keeping me from knowing if I want kids or not, and I should not make a decision based on fear.
That may be true that that's the reason, but maybe it's okay to decide what you want out of life, based on past experiences although bad... If that's the main reason at all. Maybe I just never wanted any.
But now that I have been in love for a while now, I kind of feel like I want to give her children to make her happy. I don't want any myself personally, but I kind of have the strong desire to make her happy. This would be after we are married of course, but she wants me to make a decision in the next few months, cause otherwise she feel the relationship won't go anywhere, since she wants something that I may very well don't.
She is at a different stage in her life than me. I am 29 and she is 37, going on 38. But I don't want our loving relationship to be ruined just because I wasn't ready, if I am going to be later. Her clock is ticking of course as she puts it, and wants to settle down and have a family.
My friends say I would be crazy to end the relationship, and that she is the perfect woman for me, and that I should just grow up and have kids, since everyone wants them later on in life anyway. How do I figure it out?
Mostly it's the filmmaking career I want, and it takes up a lot of time to get good and be available for jobs. You have to pick up and go, spur the moment, in order to be taken seriously when you start out.
My gf says that even though I am not ready for kids, you got jump in head first a lot and do things that you are not ready for in life, before it's too late. That explains why I am kind of a late bloomer, when it comes to finding a career or going to school I guess, cause I felt I wasn't ready before, and in retrospect, I wish I had done things sooner, and accomplished more. I wouldn't want to make the same mistake and miss out on an opportunity with kids, if I am to regret it later.
My first thought to you is this - Trust your instincts - Do what feels right for you - any decision especially one as important as having children shouldn't be because anyone talked you in to it.
I wouldn't want to have kids with someone that doesn't want to.
There is no greater sadness in a soul when they're not living an authentic life
Making decisions that feel right for you is not being selfish, it's being true to yourself
Your question "How do I figure it out" Have you considered seeking a therapist to sort through your feelings, would most likely help give you clarity
I think it important to really know yourself. To thy own Self be True
Don't let anyone tell you what worked for them will work for you. You know what you want better than your friends and your girlfriend. Do not jump in head first. Do not make this decision based on her clock ticking.
My first thought to you is this - Trust your instincts - Do what feels right for you - any decision especially one as important as having children shouldn't be because anyone talked you in to it.
I wouldn't want to have kids with someone that doesn't want to.
There is no greater sadness in a soul when they're not living an authentic life
Making decisions that feel right for you is not being selfish, it's being true to yourself
Your question "How do I figure it out" Have you considered seeking a therapist to sort through your feelings, would most likely help give you clarity
I think it important to really know yourself. To thy own Self be True
Okay thanks. We have seen a therapist about it, and he said I was being selfish too, and that wanting a busy moviemaking career is insensitive to the relationship and possible future kids.
Okay thanks. We have seen a therapist about it, and he said I was being selfish too, and that wanting a busy moviemaking career is insensitive to the relationship and possible future kids.
Then you saw crap for a therapist.
Here's what it comes down to... if you don't want kids, then your gf is not for you, nor you for her.
I LOVE my children. They are the best things that ever happened to me. My husband adores them. We are extremely happy with our little family. That being said, I hated much of being pregnant and having children is not easy. Having a husband who was 100% supportive and excited about having children made my life so much easier. I can't imagine going through all that alone or with someone that wasn't really onboard. If your heart isn't in it - I think it would be best to move on. Yes - having children can be the most rewarding experience - but it isn't a guarantee. Some people don't love their children instantly. Some people resent their children. Some people are not meant to be parents.
Okay thanks. We have seen a therapist about it, and he said I was being selfish too, and that wanting a busy moviemaking career is insensitive to the relationship and possible future kids.
I think 70smusicgirl meant to see a therapist on your own, WITHOUT your gf... to sort out YOUR feelings on having kids in general. Actually, I hate the word "sort" in this instance. I think what you need is to find your conviction in your thoughts and beliefs on the subject as it pertains to you personally.
By the way, didn't the therapist point out to your gf that it's selfish for her to expect YOU to be the only one to give up something???? GF is selfish as hell.
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