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Hello, this is going to be a long one, so thanks in advance for your time, I just need some advice given this scenario...
So my girlfriend and I had been dating for about 3 months, and we were absolutely crazy IN LOVE and would do anything for each other, we did everything together, and never wanted to anything without one another by our side. our relationship was absolutely amazing teamwork, and we both were talking lots about our future and we were both absolutely devoted to each other and knew we that we never wanted anyone else for the rest of our lives. We've known each other for a little over a year and both got out of a pretty rough 3 year relationship with our ex's. we pretty much started dating 2 weeks after we had both gone through break-ups. and shortly after that, moved in together. it was really fast, we knew this, but it just felt right for both of us, not to mention being madly in love with each other, but all our friends and family were amazed at how much happier we both were and how it was night and day difference between how we both were before being together, and during. we were so happy and our families were so very supportive of us leaving our ex's and moving in together. the relationship was very very very healthy. yeah we had disagreements, but we never ever yelled and screamed at each other. it was as perfect as we both had hoped for. We always would leave notes for each other when one of us wasn't home, and some of these notes were so heartfelt. Honestly I never thought I would experience TRUE love until i met this girl. and NEVER had I felt so incredibly loved by someone in my life. and she felt the same,...
Or so I thought. around 6 weeks ago, she wasn't herself, she was stressed out every single day, not as cheerful and happy, and she was so sad and she began to really withdrawal from me. a few days later, she texted me while I was at work and told me she thinks she has to move home with her parents, it was too much too fast for her and all of a sudden she just found herself not ready for a serious relationship. i can definitely understand the too much too fast part, but there are things i just dont understand.... A love SO incredibly powerful between the two of us, the times we would talk to each other with tears in our eyes because everything was so heartfelt and meant so much. the love was so strong... how it can go from that, to her leaving me almost in a snap of a finger. I was so badly hurt and upset when i saw a half empty house, i would text her to figure things out and talk with her about whats going on but the more i did, the less she texted me, I offered to do things for her and to see her, but she always declined. the last few things she said were that maybe sometime in the future we can go out, but its not what she wants now, she needs space. few days later, and old ex boyfriend (not her previous ex, but and older past ex) passed away and that really hit her hard. She pretty much doesn't talk to me anymore or respond to my family when they try to get a hold of her. I guess my ultimate question is, why the sudden, almost over night change? i get now she is going through a tough time, the most i can understand is maybe she is withdrawing because she doesnt want her anger, stress and sadness to come off on me and we end up hating each other, so I dont know if she is trying to put the relationship on hold and save it for when she is ready? or does she never want to be with me again... I just dont want her to write me off. and i would feel so much better if she had maybe told me she needs a few months to herself and that she would tell me when she is ready, but i guess it doesnt come that easy and theres really not much that i can do. i just dont know what to think... she was once the ultimate lover that would do anything for me and i cant make sense of all this. any thoughts and tips? I dont want to ever lose her for good, i dont want anybody else but her.
The initial, madly in love stage of a relationship is partly biochemical. It wears off after anywhere from a few weeks up to maybe a year. three months is not unusual. For some people it wears off very suddenly. I think that's what happened to her.
When that stage ended for her, when she was no longer high on biochemistry, she realised that you and she were not really compatible, from her point of view. Realistically, if she had stuck around, you would have had the same realisation yourself in a few weeks or months.
But I know it is harsh when it happens to the other person first -- and, this time, the pain was compounded by both of you being inexperienced enough that you thought the puppy love was certain to last, and that she was not able to gently and kindly articulate her new insights. So, she left you in the lurch, and it felt completely out of the blue.
Please, please, do not hesitate to love this deeply in the future. Just remember that you are tripping, and things may look different when one of you comes down. And eventually you will find the love that looks different but still wonderful, and that is the one you will keep .
Now go ahead and cry as much as you need to, and lean on your friends and family, and I promise in a few weeks you will feel better than you do now, and in a year you will wonder why you were so upset anyway. Your own biochemistry needs time to sort itself out and that's how you do it -- by grieving, and being close to your friends.
I don't know how old you are, but I suspect you are still in your teens. Moving in together a little over two weeks after you broke up with some one else is just crazy, what were you thinking? You dated for three months and fell so completely in love that nothing else mattered? Well something else must have mattered to her, she didn't feel the same way you did, or she wouldn't have pulled the plug on this relationship. I suspect she felt smothered, I felt smothered, just reading your story. Give her a break, leave her alone and move on.
Reading your account exhausted me. (Maybe if there could have been paragraph breaks for me to catch my breath . . . ) So I would imagine that actually living this whirlwind love affair was probably exhausting for your girlfriend. You yourself recognize that it was all moving too fast, and I can't help but think that by the end, she was screaming "STOP THE WORLD, I WANNA GET OFF!!!"
I would send her a letter (not a text, not an e-mail, but an actual letter), saying that you respect her desire to take a break and catch her breath and re-evaluate where things stand between the two of you. Tell her you love her, but you understand that she needs some space right now. Let her know that you would be happy to resume your relationship should she so wish, but if she wouldn't . . . thank her for the wonderful memories and wish her a happy and successful life.
Send the letter, and then let it go. If you hear from her within the next month or two, go from there. If you don't . . . then there's your answer, and you'll need to move on.
Hello, this is going to be a long one, so thanks in advance for your time, I just need some advice given this scenario...
So my girlfriend and I had been dating for about 3 months, and we were absolutely crazy IN LOVE and would do anything for each other, we did everything together, and never wanted to anything without one another by our side. our relationship was absolutely amazing teamwork, and we both were talking lots about our future and we were both absolutely devoted to each other and knew we that we never wanted anyone else for the rest of our lives. We've known each other for a little over a year and both got out of a pretty rough 3 year relationship with our ex's. we pretty much started dating 2 weeks after we had both gone through break-ups. and shortly after that, moved in together. it was really fast, we knew this, but it just felt right for both of us, not to mention being madly in love with each other, but all our friends and family were amazed at how much happier we both were and how it was night and day difference between how we both were before being together, and during. we were so happy and our families were so very supportive of us leaving our ex's and moving in together. the relationship was very very very healthy. yeah we had disagreements, but we never ever yelled and screamed at each other. it was as perfect as we both had hoped for. We always would leave notes for each other when one of us wasn't home, and some of these notes were so heartfelt. Honestly I never thought I would experience TRUE love until i met this girl. and NEVER had I felt so incredibly loved by someone in my life. and she felt the same,...
Or so I thought. around 6 weeks ago, she wasn't herself, she was stressed out every single day, not as cheerful and happy, and she was so sad and she began to really withdrawal from me. a few days later, she texted me while I was at work and told me she thinks she has to move home with her parents, it was too much too fast for her and all of a sudden she just found herself not ready for a serious relationship. i can definitely understand the too much too fast part, but there are things i just dont understand.... A love SO incredibly powerful between the two of us, the times we would talk to each other with tears in our eyes because everything was so heartfelt and meant so much. the love was so strong... how it can go from that, to her leaving me almost in a snap of a finger. I was so badly hurt and upset when i saw a half empty house, i would text her to figure things out and talk with her about whats going on but the more i did, the less she texted me, I offered to do things for her and to see her, but she always declined. the last few things she said were that maybe sometime in the future we can go out, but its not what she wants now, she needs space. few days later, and old ex boyfriend (not her previous ex, but and older past ex) passed away and that really hit her hard. She pretty much doesn't talk to me anymore or respond to my family when they try to get a hold of her. I guess my ultimate question is, why the sudden, almost over night change? i get now she is going through a tough time, the most i can understand is maybe she is withdrawing because she doesnt want her anger, stress and sadness to come off on me and we end up hating each other, so I dont know if she is trying to put the relationship on hold and save it for when she is ready? or does she never want to be with me again... I just dont want her to write me off. and i would feel so much better if she had maybe told me she needs a few months to herself and that she would tell me when she is ready, but i guess it doesnt come that easy and theres really not much that i can do. i just dont know what to think... she was once the ultimate lover that would do anything for me and i cant make sense of all this. any thoughts and tips? I dont want to ever lose her for good, i dont want anybody else but her.
As they say in math problems... Not enough information to solve.
It could be depression, sometimes I've psyched myself out of relationships and gotten all gloomy.
It could be that you're being too clingy or controlling.
It could be you have some flaws that you're not aware of
It could be some work, family, or life issue hitting her hard, and she really does need space.
Confront her, and just ask her to tell you what's wrong. The offering to do things for her is not what you should be doing. Listening and understanding is what you should be doing. Even if the problem is you, be approachable, someone she can talk to about what's bugging her.
Remember don't start with "Tell Me What's Wrong!" that's coercive. Start with "Have I done something wrong?" It's half an apology, because it recognizes whatever it is, you'll try to fix it.
And yes, it might be that you're smothering her. I dunno, as I've not ever moved in with anyone. And at the rate my life is going, probably never will.
Thanks for the responses so far, i agree with nila and bus man. Im in my 20's and have had many hardships and love storys, but none as diverse and powerful as this, so i appreciate the responses, its all great advice, and I certainly have planned on writing a letter by snail mail for a few days now.
In a sense i can see how I could be smothering her, but she really was the same towards me and the next thing I know it was like all the heartfelt, sentimental good times we had been overcome by stress and sadness and her wanting to leave. I agree too much to fast, but I dont understand how there wasnt much communication from her part and now none at all. I wont text her any more because i know it will get me no where, but im going to put effort into this letter send it, if i get a response..great! if she eventually comes around...great! if enough time goes by and nothing, then theres my answer.
But im hopeful she will comeback, i have 6 boxes worth of all her stuff she left behind including a sentimental ring her parents bought her. but who knows she may not care about what she left behind.
I think the honorable, grownup thing to do would be to make sure that she knows that getting her stuff back does not need to involve interacting with you, if she feels she cannot.
Instead of the long letter, maybe just write something like:
Quote:
I have your things boxed up, if you want me to ship them or if you want to have someone pick them up. I would still love to talk with you anytime you are ready (next week, next year, etc.), but if you cannot do that right now I'd still like to know where to send your things. Love, sj
She may have blocked your texts, so you could send this via an alternate route. Her aunt's facebook or whatever.
Then write the long letter and keep it. When she is ready to talk, reread it and see if you still want to send it, or if what you want to say/ask has changed.
So this grand 3 month love story had problems a month and a half in?
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So this grand 3 month love story had problems a month and a half in?
Hence the "crazy" in love part.
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