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I agree with this. But to carry it so it doesn't come off offensive.... other forms of intimacy (cuddling, back rubs, whatever...) is also marital duty (if one party likes that).
I do a lot of thing "I don't want to do" because it will make my husband happy, or the kids.... but because their happiness is important to me....... I do want to do it. It's done from my heart.
Did that make any sense?
It makes complete sense and your husband is a lucky man to have a caring, loving wife. My SO is very much like you describe. My SO is at a point in her life where her desires have substantially diminished and she can get by with a lot less sex than in the beginning years of our relationship, but she knows it makes me happy so she obliges. It's not demanded of her or viewed as a duty she must perform but she is caring enough to see I am happy the handful of times I initiate and she'll usually suggest it a few times a week. If we're both agreeable fine, if not, there's always tomorrow. I also do "I don't want to do" things like if she wants an iced coffee at 3am with a minimal amount of arm twisting I'm going to run out to the coffee shop and get her one.
It makes complete sense and your husband is a lucky man to have a caring, loving wife. My SO is very much like you describe. My SO is at a point in her life where her desires have substantially diminished and she can get by with a lot less sex than in the beginning years of our relationship, but she knows it makes me happy so she obliges. It's not demanded of her or viewed as a duty she must perform but she is caring enough to see I am happy the handful of times I initiate and she'll usually suggest it a few times a week. If we're both agreeable fine, if not, there's always tomorrow. I also do "I don't want to do" things like if she wants an iced coffee at 3am with a minimal amount of arm twisting I'm going to run out to the coffee shop and get her one.
I found that very heart warming. Thank you for sharing that.
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I'm over 40. I've never been married....I fear that I won't be able to meet a man's constant need for sex.
Honestly, in the real world, once you get over 40 it's usually the other way around. The man wants less sex than the woman does.
Men's sex drives decrease as they get older, and women's increase, at least until menopause (some women's drives stay high after meno and some do not.)
I know there is this idea, in tv shows and in office chatter, that men want sex all the time and women don't. But that's not the real story. People whose experience doesn't fit that story just don't feel comfortable speaking up. Men who don't want sex all the time worry that they are not normal (they are) and women who do want it worry people will think they are harlots. So they all keep quite, or loudly pretend.
On sex advice forums (which this one is not) you can really see this. About half the couples who ask about how to handle a disparity in desire, it's the women who wants it more. And for the other half, it's the men. But the couples where the man wants it more write, 'We have the typical problem every couple has...' and the couples where the woman wants it more write, 'We have this very weird situation...'.
In other words, you are worrying too much .
So, why have you never married? And why do you want to change that, now?
I would have to respectively disagree, VC. In a marriage, paying the bills is a marital duty, caring for your kid/s is a marital duty (if applicable) and yes, having sex is part of a spouses duty, too- this goes for men as well.
Its like I'll pay the bills or care for the children whenever Im in the mood, Lol doesn't work that way, not in my book.
Best bet, if I want sex, she better be "in the mood", whether she is or not sex is a big part of marriage, without it, its just not a marriage.
I disagree. There have certainly been times when I wanted it, and he was just too exhausted or sore (from work) and vice versa. Those times are rare, but they occur. To think that a husband or wife "better be" in the mood whenever YOU want sex, is absurd. Either it's a mutually desirable thing, at mutually agreeable times, or it just doesn't work.
Last edited by ChessieMom; 05-16-2014 at 09:10 PM..
Honestly, in the real world, once you get over 40 it's usually the other way around. The man wants less sex than the woman does.
Men's sex drives decrease as they get older, and women's increase, at least until menopause (some women's drives stay high after meno and some do not.)
I know there is this idea, in tv shows and in office chatter, that men want sex all the time and women don't. But that's not the real story. People whose experience doesn't fit that story just don't feel comfortable speaking up. Men who don't want sex all the time worry that they are not normal (they are) and women who do want it worry people will think they are harlots. So they all keep quite, or loudly pretend.
On sex advice forums (which this one is not) you can really see this. About half the couples who ask about how to handle a disparity in desire, it's the women who wants it more. And for the other half, it's the men. But the couples where the man wants it more write, 'We have the typical problem every couple has...' and the couples where the woman wants it more write, 'We have this very weird situation...'.
In other words, you are worrying too much .
So, why have you never married? And why do you want to change that, now?
Yeah. It does happen. 3 women I know on another site left because the guys didn't want sex.
1 woman even had to beg her boyfriend for sex, dressed in a maid outfit for him, and all he wanted to do was play a game on his phone, and she had to beg him to play along. Then she tried again, and he wanting to keep on his game on his phone. She had to turn the lights off and drag him to the bedroom huffing, and even said he could just lay there and let her do the work.
So, a man's drive being low or decreasing isn't unheard of. And if the women's drive decreases, well it may be a sexless marriage, but there's no bad blood because both have no desire for sex, or it's very rare.
I disagree. There have certainly been times when I wanted it, and he was just too exhausted or sore (from work) and vice versa. Those times are rare, but they occur. To think that a husband or wife "better be" in the mood whenever YOU want sex, is absurd. Either it's a mutually desirable thing, or it just doesn't work.
Yes, and insisting that a partner "oblige" when they aren't in the mood is a good way to breed resentment.
I find it odd that some here are putting sex, a very intimate act, on par with getting up early for iced coffee or some other mundane task. There is absolutely no comparison between letting someone penetrate your body (with the potential of pregnancy, stds, etc.) and getting up to get coffee, etc.
Yes, and insisting that a partner "oblige" when they aren't in the mood is a good way to breed resentment.
I find it odd that some here are putting sex, a very intimate act, on par with getting up early for iced coffee or some other mundane task. There is absolutely no comparison between letting someone penetrate your body (with the potential of pregnancy, stds, etc.) and getting up to get coffee, etc.
I'll chime in. Sure, there are sometimes when I AM NOT IN THE MOOD, and that's that. Just ain't gonna happen and DH would never make me feel bad or pressure me. Others times, meh.... /lol. Then it will probably happen. Nine times out of 10 I'll GET in the mood once stuff starts.
It's easy to get wrapped up in chores, kids and life, and forget that your bond with your partner is one of the most important priorities. That's your teammate, your other half, that's the person who has your back.
Sex is bonding, an intimate connection, even if I'm not totally into the sexual urge...... I'm not going to ignore that factor. So is cuddling, and getting someone coffee at 3am.
But, I don't consider my husband wanting me as an intrusion, or a penetration of my body.....
Think about it........ when spouses turn each other down for sex on a regular basis.... it's like "how dare he want me sexually!?". That's the goal! Heck, when that stops, for a lot of relationships that's the end of it.
I'm talking spouses or LTR. Not some guy you just met.
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Yes, and insisting that a partner "oblige" when they aren't in the mood is a good way to breed resentment.
I find it odd that some here are putting sex, a very intimate act, on par with getting up early for iced coffee or some other mundane task. There is absolutely no comparison between letting someone penetrate your body (with the potential of pregnancy, stds, etc.) and getting up to get coffee, etc.
Well I don't think of being with my man as "letting someone penetrate my body" either. What you describe almost sounds like rape. I certainly would not say that making love is nothing different than getting up to get coffee, but is certainly is a pleasurable and desirable activity with my SO, the great majority of the time.
Sex is bonding, an intimate connection, even if I'm not totally into the sexual urge...... I'm not going to ignore that factor. So is cuddling, and getting someone coffee at 3am.
But, I don't consider my husband wanting me as an intrusion, or a penetration of my body...
Sex is by definition penetration. I'm referring to the physical act, not the bond.
Saying that he'll go get coffee when he doesn't want to because she has sex when she doesn't want to is absurd.
That's like someone handing you a hundred dollars and you returning a penny and insisting you're even.
Well I don't think of being with my man as "letting someone penetrate my body" either. What you describe almost sounds like rape. I certainly would not say that making love is nothing different than getting up to get coffee, but is certainly is a pleasurable and desirable activity with my SO, the great majority of the time.
Read above.
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sex is a big part of marriage, without it, its just not a marriage.
Heck, when that stops, for a lot of relationships that's the end of it.
What you describe almost sounds like rape. I certainly would not say that making love is nothing different than getting up to get coffee, but is certainly is a pleasurable and desirable activity with my SO, the great majority of the time.
