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So.....I met this guy, really liked him, we really clicked. After 4 months he broke up with me, telling me that he just wasn't feeling a romantic connection. When I questioned that (he was the one always making the romantic gestures) he said he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Despite the fact that up front I made it clear that it really hurts to be lied to. Then he confessed that he is an alcoholic. I've never seen him drink more than 2-3 drinks in a day. He then pointed out all the times we parted early, or I went to bed...he just keeps on drinking.
I know part of his history fairly well so I had some questions for him. Has he ever tried detox? why not go back on wellbutrin? Therapy? He made it clear he doesn't WANT to be sober, and is resigned to living his life alone. Alcohol is more important to him than people.
Then he said he doesn't think he'll live much longer, not because he is planning to take his own life, but because he is going to transcend to a higher plane of existence.
His last GF knew about the alcohol, and it was obviously a problem. so this time he decided to try hiding it. When I told him how much lying bothers me, he got around it by never lying, but convincing himself that being deceitful and elusive is NOT the same thing (duh, it is!)
I feel like I was 'targeted' because I'm so easygoing and accepting. This is not the first time I've gone out with a guy who put his best foot forward DELIBERATELY knowing he would not be able to maintain the facade, enjoying a few dates (or more), then 'confessing' his true self (or just ghosting) and heading back to his hole under a rock. At that point I often get a lot of 'you are too good for me, you are a fantastic girlfriend, I don't deserve you'.
He was by all accounts a good boyfriend up to this point. A little quirky...I knew about his anxieties (he does take paxil for it) but they were manageable. We had some good times and there seemed to be good communication and compromise. Or so I thought.
Any suggestions on how to avoid this particular pattern in the future? I know how to screen for crazy/angry/abusive and I won't go out with anyone who says they drink more than socially...but this kind of deliberate hiding of the true nature is something I don't know how to look for.
I'm not innocent...i know people do stuff like this, but I don't know any other way to approach a potential relationship but with an open heart.
It's a sad world we live in. People are so damaged!
You may have to be patient. Find out why he drinks, and ask him about going to AA. And keep an eye on the paxil. I took it, and it didn't seem to help at all, other than mess up my jaw--as one of the possible side-effects.
Alcoholics are difficult. My father is one, and has been for 20+ years.
Whenever my mother starts getting on to him about his drinking, he gets defensive, and won't admit his has a problem. Recently-Fri. She got on to him about it because it was damaging him, and he has early signs of Sclerosis. He screamed, cursed, banged his hands against the bathroom sink, told her to get out of his face and leave him alone. Then later she told him it was sad for a grown man to behave that way. He tried to ignore her before crying and going into the other room to get away from her.
The drinking has caused issues, since he drives drunk and got a DUI, which cost tons of money, plus inconvenience because he couldn't drive for 1 year. But he did drive anyway with no license on occasion. So he was just lucky he never got caught.
And he had issues with weed a time ago where he was laid off work, which cost more money, and where he was arrested, and got my mother arrested for his weed in their car.
So, the situation will require alot of patience on your part. Because alcoholics are difficult. I have told me mother if his drinking bothers her, she needs to just leave and let him drink--which he said he would do until he died, and if he did die, he'd die happy. She thinks she'll wear him down. I stay with them while I work on setting up my career path. But I told her if she was going to harp on it, I would have to leave, because that's a battle she'll fight alone. She says if you love someone you don't abandon them and let them harm themselves. But I believe while that's true, you can't force someone to change. They have to be willing, and admit they have an issue that needs changing--my father shows signs of neither of those. And after 20 years, I don't think he will. And his alcohol has cost my mother and him over $3,000.00.
So, if you start something serious with him, you'll lose alot of money if he doesn't get his drinking straight. Not just DUI, bonds, and fines from my father, but he spends alot of his work money on whiskey.
So, if you can handle rough times like this, then you will have to be patient, and persistent if you want him to stop, and/or get better.
So, depending on how you feel, you will have 2 choices if he doesn't start to, or want to, get better.
1. Stay with him, and deal with his flaw.
2. Leave and let him drink without causing you stress, trouble and possible money loss. Because like above, people don't change unless they want. So, if they won't change for you, can can accept it and stay, or accept it and leave instead of dragging yourself down with them.
It is hard to be able to screen for and avoid every negative going into a new relationship. Some people can be very good at hiding their negatives early on.
The best thing you can do is jduge actions and not words. What people say really do not matter, but what they do will better reveal their true intentions. Also, become friendly with their friends and family. Ask questions. Judge their behavior around people they are comfortable with as they may be more revealing of their true nature.
In this instance, he sounds depressed and is hiding in a bottle. Maybe searching for signs of depression or sadness would be a way you could have screened on this one.
There is absolutely no chance of us continuing a relationship. He broke up with me, and I have no interest in 'helping' someone who doesn't want to be helped. He had ONE very slim chance that if he asked for my help I would have given it to him as a FRIEND, and he made it clear he didn't want to get better.
My mom is an alcoholic, so I do understand where you are coming from. It is a long and frustrating road. Which is why I am so very careful not to go out with 'drinkers'.
The only thing you can control is YOU. Accepting that will help you recover from any stuff like this in the future.
I think you should continue to approach people with an open heart, but just get better at recovering if this kind of dealbreaker crap comes up, and it all should be a dealbreaker. Seriously, you should not have to negotiate antidepressants, rehab, drinking, and above all DISHONESTY just to get a partner. It does not have to be that hard!
To me, you don't need to "understand" any alcoholic. Usually, there is no understanding them because it is not a rational situation. If you know up front it is not something you want to live with, be prepared to step away without self-flagellation.
Begin to think of it as a shopping trip. Every once in a while you buy something that you really like, then after wearing it a while you find out it's not made very well or it fades etc. You don't mourn that, you just learn for the next time you're shopping.
So.....I met this guy, really liked him, we really clicked. After 4 months he broke up with me, telling me that he just wasn't feeling a romantic connection. When I questioned that (he was the one always making the romantic gestures) he said he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear. Despite the fact that up front I made it clear that it really hurts to be lied to. Then he confessed that he is an alcoholic. I've never seen him drink more than 2-3 drinks in a day. He then pointed out all the times we parted early, or I went to bed...he just keeps on drinking.
I know part of his history fairly well so I had some questions for him. Has he ever tried detox? why not go back on wellbutrin? Therapy? He made it clear he doesn't WANT to be sober, and is resigned to living his life alone. Alcohol is more important to him than people.
Then he said he doesn't think he'll live much longer, not because he is planning to take his own life, but because he is going to transcend to a higher plane of existence.
His last GF knew about the alcohol, and it was obviously a problem. so this time he decided to try hiding it. When I told him how much lying bothers me, he got around it by never lying, but convincing himself that being deceitful and elusive is NOT the same thing (duh, it is!)
I feel like I was 'targeted' because I'm so easygoing and accepting. This is not the first time I've gone out with a guy who put his best foot forward DELIBERATELY knowing he would not be able to maintain the facade, enjoying a few dates (or more), then 'confessing' his true self (or just ghosting) and heading back to his hole under a rock. At that point I often get a lot of 'you are too good for me, you are a fantastic girlfriend, I don't deserve you'.
He was by all accounts a good boyfriend up to this point. A little quirky...I knew about his anxieties (he does take paxil for it) but they were manageable. We had some good times and there seemed to be good communication and compromise. Or so I thought.
Any suggestions on how to avoid this particular pattern in the future? I know how to screen for crazy/angry/abusive and I won't go out with anyone who says they drink more than socially...but this kind of deliberate hiding of the true nature is something I don't know how to look for.
I'm not innocent...i know people do stuff like this, but I don't know any other way to approach a potential relationship but with an open heart.
It's a sad world we live in. People are so damaged!
Sounds a lot like me, except for the psych meds and the "higher plane of existence...." lol
Oh, and also, I don't bother with women, or even really friends. I just leave women alone and they leave me alone. We have a nice arrangement that way. I have a fair amount of friends, I just don't let them "in" on any more than a superficial level.
I have a good job, a nice house, a good savings and I'm involved in hobbies. (I'm never married, no kids.) People just don't know that I'm drinking myself to death.
I lived with someone and there was an argument in progress and the bartender had to drive me home. Upon entering I could tell he was in the kitchen...in the refrigerator actually and I saw him reach for a beer asnd I said, "No, I think you had enough and he stood up straight and his arm and open hand went backwards as though he was about to hit me. That was enough for me to slam his other hand in the refrigerator, grab his clothes by the back of the neck and show him the front door for good.
It is hard to be able to screen for and avoid every negative going into a new relationship. Some people can be very good at hiding their negatives early on.
The best thing you can do is jduge actions and not words. What people say really do not matter, but what they do will better reveal their true intentions. Also, become friendly with their friends and family. Ask questions. Judge their behavior around people they are comfortable with as they may be more revealing of their true nature.
In this instance, he sounds depressed and is hiding in a bottle. Maybe searching for signs of depression or sadness would be a way you could have screened on this one.
This is really important. The sooner you can get to know and become friends with each others' friends, the less chance you have of finding out something you didn't suspect about the other.
Which is why I am so very careful not to go out with 'drinkers'.
I think the only way you can get around this is by not dating anyone that drinks, period. And that includes you not drinking either. As long as you are drinking, even if it's just socially, you will always have this high when you're with that person, and then you see true colors when you're sober.
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