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Has your parents relationship hurt, helped, hindered your relationships? Are we predisposed to attract what is ingrained in our brains from childhood regardless of therapy, life experiences and so forth?
I don't know if their relationship has affected my relationships, but it has served as an example of the kind of relationship that I don't want. My parents are not at all romantically or sexually interested in each other. They also don't have much in common and rarely talk or spend any time together. They are basically roommates who tolerate one another, and if either one of them were to win the lottery, I'm sure they would go their separate ways and live the lives that they really want to be living.
I don't know if their relationship has affected my relationships, but it has served as an example of the kind of relationship that I don't want. My parents are not at all romantically or sexually interested in each other. They also don't have much in common and rarely talk or spend any time together. They are basically roommates who tolerate one another, and if either one of them were to win the lottery, I'm sure they would go their separate ways and live the lives that they really want to be living.
Why are they married if they're not sexually attracted to each other?
my parents separated when i was conceived. i never met my father and i think it actually made me a better person because I love my kids to death and would never leave them.
Why are they married if they're not sexually attracted to each other?
Whatever interest they had in each other decades ago is no longer there, and now they stay together because neither one of them wants to move out of the house.
My parents were married for close to 17 years. I was just entering my teen years when my father passed away unexpectedly. My experience growing up and seeing how they interacted is limited but I do recall that their relationship was not the best. He didn't treat her with much respect and the "woman" had her place in the house though he also expected her to work outside of the home too. He was overly sexual and she was clueless about sex and I mean clueless. They both grew up outside the U.S. and heritage played a huge role in how things panned out. I will add, my mother had 3 men to choose from to marry and picked my dad. The rest is history.
I think about my past relationships and of course hindsight is 20/20. I dealt with unhealthy relationships more often then I would like to admit as a teen and into my early 20's. Then as I got into my mid 20's and past, the good ones I found reason to leave, including my marriage. Fear of abandonment was a big factor that I can see now. I've been to therapy so I am much more aware of how I dealt with relationships in the past. On my Ex's behalf, his parents were married for 30+ years and had alcoholic tendencies and argued in the "normal" sense of what I have seen in relationships. Though that did cause my EX to avoid arguments at all costs which didn't work either and yes, he drank more then I care for. Those functional alcoholics are a hard bunch to handle.
I look at my current b/f and see how this affects him. His parents just celebrated 50 years of marriage. It is amazing that they are still married and neither is in jail or dead. They fight light cats and dogs and I am told what I have seen is nothing compared to what my b/f lived through growing up. He is not the marrying type of guy, doesn't think of it, never has, never will, ain't going to happen. I wonder if it's his upbringing that has caused him to think the way he has? He isn't changing his mind and I am not trying to change it. Just making an observation and I spend very little time with his family. Who needs that kind of drama? Not me.
One of my best friends is the youngest of ten kids. His parents were married for 65+ years and have since both passed. They had a typical old fashioned marriage, woman raised the kids, man worked and they were pretty close knit family with a faith based home. Out of the 10 kids, three divorced and not by their choosing, one never married (I think she is a lesbian but because of the religious beliefs, won't "come out") and the others are all in marriages that are happy and fulfilling.
Has your parents relationship hurt, helped, hindered your relationships? Are we predisposed to attract what is ingrained in our brains from childhood regardless of therapy, life experiences and so forth?
p.s. I will say that I do believe all families have some level of dysfunction to them, the extent is what causes the most damage.
Intergenerational trauma can carry through.. ways in which families cope and deal with dysfunctions can lead people to repeat the same patterns if they choose to.
Some people are blind. Some people are in denial. Some people are walking zombies. Some people are so hurt that they push their defenses up so high, their ego, arrogance, empty sense of self filtered through their own cockiness leads them to make complete 180 decisions that aren't so healthy either.
When left unchecked or imbalanced, people's lack of perception of their own family of origin and sources of hurt and conflict can lead them back to square one. Breaking old patterns and habits requires deep thought, self-reflection, self-control, and major self-awareness. Enlightenment, bliss, contentment, stem from recognizing old habits and choosing to define oneself separate from the pain to start anew!
In regards to your boyfriend, only he can wake up and make his own decisions to choose what he wants for himself. Sometimes it's like watching a train-wreck. You can't save the person. You can only be there for support, and at the same time, take very good care of yourself.
It is the Imago Image. We have a composite image of all the positive and negative traits of our primary caretakers deep in our unconscious mind. This is called the Imago. It is like the unconscious blueprint of the one we need to be our partner in a committed, intimate relationship. We look for someone who is an "Imago match," that is, someone who matches up with the composite image of our primary caretakers. This is important because we marry or commit for the purpose of healing and finishing the unfinished business of childhood. Our parents are the ones who wounded us, but a primary love partner who matches their traits is their stand-in. An example would be if one parent were a Narcissist. The Narcs behavior would be familiar to you, therefore making a relationship with one more likely.
By the time I came along, my parents hadn't much of a relationship left-they divorced shortly after I was born.
However, I was raised in their separate households where they would have screaming fights with their respective new partners.
I cannot bear to have fights/arguments with anyone, raised voices frighten me-I seek out calmer types of folks, those with some self-awareness.
My mother was bi-polar and my father was a functioning alcoholic, and I have zero interest in tackling those sorts of personalities/maladies again.
I've had it with those^ kinds of traumas, disappointments, and terrors-to extent possible, I avoid potential suitors with these issues.
On the plus side, my parents passed on to me a love of learning and reading books-it's how I try to understand relationships and people, with words/writing.
I find intelligence, verbal fluency, a broad vocabulary, etc. to be attractive-my family valued intellect and an ability to articulate, and so do I.
I'd say how I am has more to do with the genes I inherited and the experiences I had growing up than the particulars of how my parents related to each other-
since they mostly didn't anymore (and were both wrapped up in their own troubles).
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,742,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 49ersfan27
Marriage isn't for everyone. I plan on living a great life. I just don't want marriage or children. I have to protect myself..
Same here. Except I'm not trying to protect myself. I just don't believe in marriage.
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