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Old 01-23-2015, 07:36 AM
 
Location: USA
468 posts, read 480,323 times
Reputation: 405

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OP, I feel you, I'm in an "Interracial Relationship" also.

I leave my mother house when I was 18, and I survive on my own without her help for more than a decade. I'm 30 this year...
AND guess what, she still trying to control who I date. Which is very funny because I don't use a penny of her money, yet she still think she have full control over my life like when I was a baby.

And what worst is my mother is 'discriminate' against by BF solely because of his skin color. She doesn't even care to know his name, let alone know anything about him or his life.
She doesn't even want to hear anything related to him, she refused to meet him.

My BF know all of this, and he doesn't mind at all. He told me don't worry about what my mother thinks, just concentrate on OUR relationship.
He say when I feel grief, he feels grief too.

Both me and my BF respect each other cultures though. And trust me, my Chinese culture and his culture is VERY DIFFERENT.
I make effort learn his culture, and learn to cook his culture food. He enjoy eating my Chinese food that I cook, and he say he happy, lol

I guess in my case it so much easier due to I am Financially Independent and I live alone, far away from my parents. So my mother ignorant/discrimination attitude didn't affect my BF at all.

I don't know about OP specific individual circumstances. But you NOT a fish in the bowl, you NOT a bird in the cage. Get rid of the "Arranged Marriage", we already in 2015.
If you love your GF, and she loves you. Go for it! I wish you both Good Luck!
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Old 01-23-2015, 09:21 AM
 
2,776 posts, read 3,951,677 times
Reputation: 3049
Quote:
Originally Posted by brofessional View Post
So against my better judgement I took my gf to my parents dinner party. I though I could just keep her away from my parents by introducing her to my old friends. However, my mom was able to spot the one white person at the house and correctly deduced that she was my gf. My parents flipped out and now I'm no longer their son until I dump her and submit to an arranged marriage. For all intents and purposes I've been disowned because I have no intention of dumping her. I can live with it but my gf is pretty distraught over it and is asking me how she can get their approval. To make this night up to her I'm going to dedicate tomorrow to what she wants to do. But then what? I don't think she can let things go easily.
I will be direct since you asked for advice.

1) A marriage that happens without parental support is doomed in most cases. Of course some naysayers will chime in because there's an opening for that but please use the brain in your head... the reason arranged marriages do not end in divorce nearly as often as the US "fall in love marriages" is because love and lust ebbs and flows while a marriage based upon two families that get along and which have similar interests and goals, is likely to survive the inevitable times when the couple's relationship is strained and lust goes away.

2) Although racism is apparent in your description of what's happened, it matters not. I have Indian friends, more than one in fact, who introduced their significant others to their parents and got them accepted even though they were not be prior-arranged, and one was white. They did things slowly and logically vs impulsively and thoughtlessly as you did with you GF. Put plainly: You have chosen to do things illogically. It is now up to you to fix this and to think rationally lest you end up in divorce a few years down the road and in any case have a screwed up family tree because you went against your family's wishes. It is true that we don't choose our families, but when it comes to your parents, unless they matter not at all to you, don't be ridiculous and defy them because of hormones or pressure to be more like a stereotypical American.

3) Put your GF's feelings in their place and stop feeling guilty about things... unless you were unusually deceptive, she knew when she was starting to date you what she was getting into - make no mistake about that at all. Additionally, YOU need to think clearly despite the hormones and lovey-dovey stuff going on in in your body. Also, despite what you see on TV or in movies, you need to do the right thing and fix this situation with your parents or else really be ready for the long term ramifications of them not being supportive of you and your children (in most cases this is ridiculously bad and long-term vs losing a temporary girlfriend you happen to have today).

Look, I'm speaking from the heart and mind here - I'm not Indian but with many lifelong friends who I consider family that are Indian I have a unique perspective... I've already lived the stereotypical American lifestyle while watching others have arranged marriages. I've seen people defy their parents wishes and others who worked with them to find a great marriage match. I've also seen Indian friends bridge the gap successfully! I've heard the arguments for wanting an "American Girl" vs one FOTB. I've heard it all.

If I had do-overs, and I was in your situation, I would do as I'm recommending to you. Listen to your parent's wishes, and proceed to find someone that works for what you want as marriage material AND then logically present why they are good to bring into your family tree to your parents (even if she's a white, yellow or black girl). If you identify what your parents want for you and combine with what you want you will be happiest.

As you may or may not have figured out yet, American style "dating" is full of bs, too much potential for failure and too much susceptibility to the waning of "love" and "lust." Right now you probably have one thing on your brain and your GF is clouding your mind with it. Honestly, as someone who is older, I've been there, done that. Now heed some real wisdom of an older man who has no motivation to harm you and doesn't know you at all except for the story you shared: you can get "that" whenever and wherever you want and someday it won't be as important to you... for now you need to look at having a GF or Arranged Marriage as a business and major-life impacting decision that will shape your family of the future. Typical Americans won't understand this, but I am certain if you were raised in an Indian family none of these concepts are foreign to you... you've just chosen to to ignore them while thinking unclearly and possibly following the lead of non-Indian friends.

All that said, this is just an opinion. Do what you will and take it or leave it. My prayers are with you one way or the other.
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Old 01-23-2015, 09:29 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,289 posts, read 3,986,143 times
Reputation: 4313
Quote:
Originally Posted by brofessional View Post
Indian but I ain't a muslim. My parents are against interracial dating.
Well my dear I have no that sort of experience. But I can tell you a story. My mother is an Asian and she was kicked out from the family because she decide to marry a Russian American man. She decide to choose that Russian American man who is my and my brother's father today. That was 50 years ago. They are still happy married. My mother was already proposed to her uncle's son when she was 3 yrs old but when she was grown up she took her own decision. But after my mother got us my brother and me family reunited. It is all matter of time. If you do love her if you know that you can have a good life with her go for it. you choose your self of choose by your parents or what ever if there is divorce written that you need to face you will face it weather you like it or not. Believe your inner sens.
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Old 01-23-2015, 09:36 AM
 
Location: The Netherlands
4,289 posts, read 3,986,143 times
Reputation: 4313
Quote:
Originally Posted by ishe View Post
I don't know about OP specific individual circumstances. But you NOT a fish in the bowl, you NOT a bird in the cage. Get rid of the "Arranged Marriage", we already in 2015.
If you love your GF, and she loves you. Go for it! I wish you both Good Luck!
Well said I am happy for you. My mother did the same 50 years ago and she is very happy every single moment.
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Old 01-23-2015, 10:40 AM
 
Location: H-Tine, Texas
6,732 posts, read 5,138,676 times
Reputation: 8539
Quote:
Originally Posted by bored chick View Post
What's wrong with Indian chicks? They are some of the most beautiful women in the world, in my opinion. The fact that you refuse to say what is wrong with them makes me think it's because of some superficial bs reason.

It seems like every race of man has been brainwashed into thinking white and blonde is better. SMH.
Wrong.
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Old 01-23-2015, 10:49 AM
 
Location: Encino, CA
4,519 posts, read 5,316,570 times
Reputation: 8162
Quote:
Originally Posted by brofessional View Post
So against my better judgement I took my gf to my parents dinner party. I though I could just keep her away from my parents by introducing her to my old friends. However, my mom was able to spot the one white person at the house and correctly deduced that she was my gf. My parents flipped out and now I'm no longer their son until I dump her and submit to an arranged marriage. For all intents and purposes I've been disowned because I have no intention of dumping her. I can live with it but my gf is pretty distraught over it and is asking me how she can get their approval. To make this night up to her I'm going to dedicate tomorrow to what she wants to do. But then what? I don't think she can let things go easily.
My spidey senses tell me that this thread was started by a guy who is actually black who just wanted to see what people would say about non-white parents supposedly "disowning" their son. Nice try Jerome.
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Old 01-23-2015, 03:20 PM
 
269 posts, read 369,551 times
Reputation: 518
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ankhharu View Post
Nah, this is standard practice. A close friend of mine is from India and his parents are livid he is dating a white girl. They haven't disowned him yet, but have warned him that he'd better not marry a non-Indian. Had a similar discussion with a former coworker. Parents didn't want him with a white girl. I think this scenario is just hard for American's to rationalize and understand, but in India, it's a big deal.
No it's not standard practice, it depends on the family. My own parents are very traditional in every way but would have no problem if any of us wanted to marry a white person. And there are many mixed marriages in the Indian community where I live - 20 years ago it was less common and more talked about, but these days not so much.
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Old 01-23-2015, 03:32 PM
 
Location: USA
468 posts, read 480,323 times
Reputation: 405
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kings Gambit View Post
My spidey senses tell me that this thread was started by a guy who is actually black who just wanted to see what people would say about non-white parents supposedly "disowning" their son. Nice try Jerome.
NO, He's Indian

Here's a thread he started back in May 2014, and in his post he also stated that he's Indian
http://www.city-data.com/forum/relat...o-if-your.html

He actually have few threads up about his "White' girlfriend. Just click on his nickname, view his 'Profile' --- 'Statistic' --- 'Find all Threads' and you see it.
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Old 01-23-2015, 03:34 PM
 
Location: IN>Germany>ND>OH>TX>CA>Currently NoVa and a Vacation Lake House in PA
3,252 posts, read 4,267,368 times
Reputation: 13439
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother1981 View Post
Let me share with you my experience, as this scenario is all too familiar.

I'm a 33-year-old male born and raised in Canada. My parents are immigrants from Croatia, and they came here in 1968.

All throughout my childhood, my mother (father is reasonably normal as far as this is concerned) drilled into my head her expectation that I was to marry someone of Croatian background.

I was told that I was forbidden to have any girlfriends, and that I was to finish university (ideally with multiple degrees), get a job, get established, and only then would I have my mother's approval to start "dating" and have a girlfriend, get married, etc. Obviously, a strong-willed person like me started thinking "nuts to this" at around age 16. After multiple attempts to date Croatian girls, I found that they just didn't turn my crank, and so I accepted the reality that, living in Canada, I would most likely marry someone who is not of Croatian decent. No big deal, thought I. Apparently, this was the end of the world according to my mother. She threatened to not come to my future wedding, threatened all sorts of things, was emotionally and verbally abusive, invoked god and the bible, blah blah blah.

Flash forward a few years to when I was 26, and dating the woman who would become my wife. I was more in love with her than anyone I had ever dated in the past, and for the first time in my life, when asked by one of my friends "how do you feel about her?", I answered, "I can comfortably picture her being the mother of my children." It was simply too poetic when, not 2 months later, we found out that she was pregnant. Oops!

To make a long story short, when I shared this information with my parents (who had never met my girlfriend; my mother refused to even look at her when I tried to introduce them to each other), there was no end of shaming, name-calling and bashing of my girlfriend, her character and her parents. My mother, who was too concerned about her own image in the Croatian community to think about anything else, demanded that I pressure my girlfriend to have an abortion. If that failed, I was to cut off all communication with my girlfriend, never have any contact with my child, pretend it never happened and move on and find some "nice Croatian girl" to marry ASAP.

My own mother would have had me not acknowledge my own child to preserve her own image. This, I saw, was what was at the root of everything she told me, from childhood to adulthood. Parents who think they have a place in "approving / disapproving" their child's life partner are more concerned for themselves, despite what they may say, than they are for their child. If you think about it logically, say you marry someone who your parents choose for you. If the natural order of things prevails, you'll outlive your parents and grandparents by many, many years. Say you can't stand the person you married. What happens after your parents pass on? Sure they'll have been happy while they were around and you were married, but at the expense of your own happiness, your own independence, your own autonomy. And after they pass on? You're stuck married to someone who gives you no joy, and all you'll have left to comfort you is knowing that your parents were happy with the person you chose to marry. For me, this was a non-starter. This was / is my life, and I was going to make my own decisions and live with their consequences.

I chose to stay with the woman who I loved up until that point, and my love for her has only grown since then. I'm absolutely crazy about our first surprise baby, and we've added two more to the family since then. My mother has not spoken to me in almost five years, and I'm totally fine with that. Why? Because I realized that it was not me who made a decision that made me "lose my mother" - it was she who had already made the decision when she threatened to disown me if I didn't do as she demanded. This put the decision out of my control. Had I decided to "honor my parents" (whatever that means), or if I had been afraid to "lose my parents / mother", there would be a little boy out there who wouldn't know his real father, and I would be deprived of a son. I had people tell me, "girls will come and go, but you have only one mother." I politely told them to stuff it, because this is one of the most poisonous, toxic things that a parent can ever tell their child.

Go your own way and hold fast, brother. Your parents may choose to disown you, but that's their decision, and deep down they'll respect you, even if they don't admit it to themselves.
Congrats, you just brought to life an old thread that hasn't been visited from the OP since May 27th.
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Old 01-23-2015, 03:57 PM
 
614 posts, read 1,230,953 times
Reputation: 707
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Originally Posted by Robert20170 View Post
Congrats, you just brought to life an old thread that hasn't been visited from the OP since May 27th.

And is there something wrong with that? He has an experience which could help the op or future posters.
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