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My parents are going through a divorce after being married for almost 33 years. I've yet to know a couple that is so mismatched as them. They have absolutely nothing in common in terms of values, interests and taste.
From what I'm told, they don't get along since the beginning. They had a major row the first night they were married. My father is a bully and verbally aggressive so growing up my siblings and I witnessed major fights between our parents. They would yell and insult each other for 3 or 4 hours straight. The most stupid things could trigger an argument.
So I simply can't understand why people like this would even dream of having children together. My eldest brother tells me that when he was a child and my mother told him she was pregnant with me (I'm the youngest of the 3), even then he thought they were insane for having another child.
I'm 23 and no relationship experience whatsoever, so could anyone explain to me what would take for people like this to have not 1, not 2 but 3 children together?
Quote:
Originally Posted by eidas
bigger question, I'd think, is why did they get married
My mother said they had kids "cuz everyone was - that's what ya did". 2nd/3rd kid to attempt to improve relationship -- it's easier than buying a new house
when still a kid, again asked mother whey they didn't divorce (constant at home misery) -- she (honestly) told me they couldn't afford it
Many people get married and then some, as well, have however many children because they have been conditioned by the larger culture over the course of history that this is what is expected of everyone (or nearly everyone). That is, if you are not seen to have a life partner to point to, the rest of society-at-large is or at least has historically been more inclined than not to think "Gee, what is wrong with him or her? Can't they find someone to marry? They must be 'off' or there must be something wrong with them" or "That person is a 'loser'" and similar uncharitable presumptions and thoughts. And then, if the married couple doesn't have any children to point to (even if adopted instead), so many people are inclined to think "How selfish!" or "What is wrong with them? They don't want any children? So they just live for themselves? They don't want to have their genes carried forward and to have grandchildren and great grandchildren?" and so on.
You see, so even if the couple is quite mismatched and they even know it themselves, there is pressure to stick together and then pressure to have children by their family tree and by the culture at-large. And the couple themselves often feel that, however mismatched their relationship is, they will live vicariously through their children and have the children "make it up for them" (i.e., to have the children lend meaning and purpose to an otherwise bad marriage).
And both individuals of the married couple want simple bragging rights, conveying to the world-at-large "Hey, look at me! I have children just like you do! See, I'm not a loser!!!. I'm just like you!!!" They would feel lacking and different to be married and yet not have children (or even for the woman to be single and yet still not have children, whether bearing the children herself as a single mother or via a donor through artificial insemination or through adoption).
And then (unless I am to whatever degree misinfomed here), it has become my seeming understanding that, in the population that makes or wants to make a way-of-life out of collecting public assistance in the U.S., having children gives them justification in the eyes of the state to qualify for varying types and degrees of public assistance . . . so having however many children brings in a ready-made income source meant for the sake of the children but that the couple obviously uses as well to support and sustain themselves. And it appears that the more children they have, the more funds and aid they can acquire. This is not a pro or con judgement of this practice but merely offered here as a dispassionate description of this practice as a reality to offer up as part of the overall explanation of why mismatched married couples still take it upon themselves to have children.
Another motive may be that they hope that perhaps they might have a however many children of whom at least one or more of them might be able to take care of the parents in their older age (with their children feeling a sense of obligation to them to fulfill this function for them).
How people act in public is not the whole story.
And yes...even at home with the kids is still public.
You never know what is going on between 2 people.
I have seriously been floored many times.
My parents are going through a divorce after being married for almost 33 years. I've yet to know a couple that is so mismatched as them. They have absolutely nothing in common in terms of values, interests and taste.
From what I'm told, they don't get along since the beginning. They had a major row the first night they were married. My father is a bully and verbally aggressive so growing up my siblings and I witnessed major fights between our parents. They would yell and insult each other for 3 or 4 hours straight. The most stupid things could trigger an argument.
So I simply can't understand why people like this would even dream of having children together. My eldest brother tells me that when he was a child and my mother told him she was pregnant with me (I'm the youngest of the 3), even then he thought they were insane for having another child.
I'm 23 and no relationship experience whatsoever, so could anyone explain to me what would take for people like this to have not 1, not 2 but 3 children together?
Well, first of all, you resulted. So there's that.
But people change, especially people who married young. This is why I tell people to not marry until they've been out of school five years. Because your self-image, your philosophies, ethics, values, and the rest of who you are will change more in those five years than they will for the rest of your life.
Back to your parents. I've seen people stay together who should have split much earlier in life, for they have grown apart. They stay together out of inertia, stay together for the kids, or stay together because divorce would cost too much. I don't say it's logical, but that's the way it is.
I think an immature thing to think is that, because your parents have a miserable marriage, all marriages and relationships are bad. Truth is, a large proportion of marriages are deeply, satisfyingly rewarding for both partners, and are strong enough to survive just about anything. People love to say, "Well, 50% of all marriages end in divorce," without thinking much about it. First the statistic is untrue, since the real number is around 40% and dropping. Also, people who wait a while in life to get married are far more likely to be married to the end of their days.
So here's what you do: Learn from your parents. In my own life, I've found that my father is pretty much an excellent guide in life, for whenever I think about how to treat my wife, my children, our finances, and my priorities in life, I think about what my father would have done and usually choose the opposite action. It's served me well so far.
I'm hoping that one day I can couple up with an old bitty
That makes zero sense. My wife and I have had an actual fight once in 23 years (And that was over a freaking vacuum cleaner), and we still scorch the sheets. She rocks my world and I rock hers. We love each others' company and conversation and are pretty considerate of the other. In fact, if there's lots of fighting going on in a marriage, it typically means that one or both are seriously immature and self-centered people. Not much passion to that.
Well, first of all, you resulted. So there's that.
Yes, unfortunately.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
But people change, especially people who married young. This is why I tell people to not marry until they've been out of school five years. Because your self-image, your philosophies, ethics, values, and the rest of who you are will change more in those five years than they will for the rest of your life.
Well, they weren't that young for the time. My mother was 20 and my father was 29. He had already graduated, my mother was still studying.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
Back to your parents. I've seen people stay together who should have split much earlier in life, for they have grown apart. They stay together out of inertia, stay together for the kids, or stay together because divorce would cost too much. I don't say it's logical, but that's the way it is.
They had grown apart even before marrying and it only got worse with the years. I don't remember them ever sleeping in the same bedroom or going out together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
I think an immature thing to think is that, because your parents have a miserable marriage, all marriages and relationships are bad. Truth is, a large proportion of marriages are deeply, satisfyingly rewarding for both partners, and are strong enough to survive just about anything. People love to say, "Well, 50% of all marriages end in divorce," without thinking much about it. First the statistic is untrue, since the real number is around 40% and dropping. Also, people who wait a while in life to get married are far more likely to be married to the end of their days.
So here's what you do: Learn from your parents. In my own life, I've found that my father is pretty much an excellent guide in life, for whenever I think about how to treat my wife, my children, our finances, and my priorities in life, I think about what my father would have done and usually choose the opposite action. It's served me well so far.
Oh yes, you can bet I learned a lot from them. I will never live together with someone or allow someone to ruin my life for 33 years.
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