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So, my wife asked for a divorce earlier this week through an email. I of course, responded with what I found out later as the normal response, which was to go insane writing long, begging, profession of love, one more chance letters back to her. These letters seemed to make her angrier and more blunt. Finally, I told her I respected her decision, and she actually said she was relieved. In one of her letters, she warned me of flying home to save the day. She gave me an advance, "**** off," if I tried that.
Here is the special circumstance to our relationship. There was no cheating, lying, aggressive behavior etc…, I moved here many years ago to pursue a career in my field in which I had earned a Master's Degree. My wife and I both decided on this. I had been working as a manager of an establishment in our home town and also co-ran a small business with my wife. We just weren't cutting it financially in our small town.
The plan was for me to land a high paying job here, buy a condo and fly back and forth with the family. Well, the high paying job in my field never materialized, I have done many smaller projects, but not the six figure job I had hoped for. So, what actually happened was I work in a restaurant, work smaller gigs in my profession and share an apartment with a co-worker. At first I made frequent trips home, but it just got harder and harder, both financially and time wise. My wife started to feel used and abandoned. Like a mistress who waited for me from far away. Our children felt the same. It became a catch 22. I wasn't making it here, but there were no higher paying jobs to move back to. So, it was either make it big or else. No pressure there, right?.
Fast forward to earlier this year. I was home for Christmas, and we had a great time. The plan was for me to come back here, pay off the remainder of our debt and look at our options as a family, but during this period, my wife decided she couldn't talk anymore. She felt we had become to codependent with each other and were going in circles. We spoke occasionally, but mostly texted. Sometimes daily, sometimes not.
The question is, I have already decided to move back to our home town. The question is when. I want to get back into my future X wife's life. We have children, have been married for a long time and I still love her. Should I wait a while for the divorce to go through, or get up there as fast as possible and possibly prevent it. Remembering the "Fly home to save the day," warning.
Better go ASAP. There is no fail safe advice, but be where the action is. Be where the kids are. Lousy jobs are everywhere to find, sure there are some back home. I don' t understand why you weren't back home right when you realized the big job dream didn't happen.
Plus don't text with your partner: Hear the voice, the tone, the sorrow, the love.
Go home, be a dad, do work at the house, bring some flowers from time to time, help with homework, show interest in the kids issues at school or with friends, cheer the folks up, give little (not over the top) compliments, don't slouch, whip out board games, suggest a picnic, a lake trip. Don't sob, don't beg, be just be a man accepting fate. But work & woo her. Once she has a possibility to see that you are real, want her and the kids, is gentle, striving, trying, a good person, she'll change her mind. You can cry plenty when the divorce is finalized.
Good luck. At least you will know you tried and can look into your (grand)kids eyes knowing this one day.
Once the couple understands what the issues in their relationship are, both people involved need to be honest with whatever they feel and how they like the things to be worked out.A relationship therapist might be the best source of advice.
Location: IN>Germany>ND>OH>TX>CA>Currently NoVa and a Vacation Lake House in PA
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I have a strange feeling she's already moved on if she's gotten to the point to ask for a divorce. I wouldn't be surprised if there's someone she's spending time with, and she doesn't want you in the middle of that. Good luck to you, and I'm sorry. Divorce is sad when there are kids involved.
This story seems familiar. Are you Asian? Are you an OFW? If you don't know that term then your not from my country. But your story is one of the million stories of married OFWs in my country.
It sucks that your and my country's salary even if you are business owners like you and my family is not enough to live a comfy life in your OWN country. So you're forced to go abroad and be underemployed for a job that you're over qualified for just coz dollars goes a looong way when converted to your country's currency.
Better go ASAP. There is no fail safe advice, but be where the action is. Be where the kids are. Lousy jobs are everywhere to find, sure there are some back home. I don' t understand why you weren't back home right when you realized the big job dream didn't happen.
Plus don't text with your partner: Hear the voice, the tone, the sorrow, the love.
Go home, be a dad, do work at the house, bring some flowers from time to time, help with homework, show interest in the kids issues at school or with friends, cheer the folks up, give little (not over the top) compliments, don't slouch, whip out board games, suggest a picnic, a lake trip. Don't sob, don't beg, be just be a man accepting fate. But work & woo her. Once she has a possibility to see that you are real, want her and the kids, is gentle, striving, trying, a good person, she'll change her mind. You can cry plenty when the divorce is finalized.
Good luck. At least you will know you tried and can look into your (grand)kids eyes knowing this one day.
excellent question, why didnt you fly home when the good job didnt materialize? of course she is feeling used and discarded, YOU ARE NOT THERE.
op get your butt home pronto and see if things are truly ended or if there is a possibility of salvaging the marriage.
You need to be home to help your children through this time... Go back for them, not to try to win back your wife. It sounds like her mind is completely made up and she's moving on, so it's time to accept that.
Do you have a pattern of contributing too little, emotionally, to the relationship and then trying to 'make up for it' with a bunch of fanfare? That's what her comment sounds like, to me. It sounds like she needs the day in, day out consistency.
how much time DO you spend with your family?
Actual time, Not "in the same room but with other distractions and work around me" time or text and email discussions.
Legitimate time together.
Relationships are pretty hard to be in when you are never really "in" them, no?
My own take is that it's time to get back into the lives of your children and make that your first priority. They could be afraid they have lost you. Your wife may have encouraged them in this belief, unknowingly or viciously. Your wife may or may not change her mind. Your children almost certainly will if you focus on their well-being, so it obvious to them that their dad is back for good in their lives. It would also be good to apologize to them. Words are important, but your actions probably have, and almost definitely will, speak louder than your words to them.
It doesn't matter how old they are.
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