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Old 06-10-2014, 10:52 PM
 
3,725 posts, read 4,359,346 times
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I usually don't post too much in the relationship forum. It's not really my thing and discussing my successes and failures with women make me alternatively feel like either braggart or self-indulgent whiner (depending on which we are discussing). However, there is one aspect of my interactions with women that have plagued me since my high school years: Determined Possessive Friendzoners.

Now, let me explain. I am not talking about female friends I have developed a crush on (although that has happened once or twice). I have a lot of women friends that range from a step-up from acquaintance to very close friends and they range in looks from, um, " aesthetically challenged" to absolutely stunning. But I am not talking about them. I am also not talking about acquaintances, classmates, and coworkers who sometimes say hello or smile at me. I am not the type of guy who thinks anytime a woman notices him or is nice to him that it means that she is interested; in fact I tend to be rather cautious when it comes to interpreting signals from women due in no small part to the DPF (which we will get to later). I am also not talking some woman that I try to pursue by befriending and doing little favors for her and then end up shocked when they see me as a gofer and not as boyfriend material.

What I am talking about is a woman who basically drafts me into the friendzone. This has happened probably about five or so times in my life. Basically what happens is an attractive girl goes out of her way to attach herself to me and gives plenty of mixed signals. What I mean is that I will meet them or talk to them once and then whenever they get the chance they will hang around me (even if it means ditching their own friends) and they will make effort to talk to me outside of wherever we met. They will constantly compliment me and remember every mundane fact about me that I either tell them or they find out about me (the names of my childhood pets, what elementary school I went to, my birthday, my favorite type of drinks, my favorite foods, etc.). If they hear that I am meeting up with some friends they will invite themselves to that event and make special care to spend time with me. They will constantly ask questions about my relationship status and my views on relationships, if I tell them I'm not really into relationships they act disappointed and say something like, "Well, you never know. One day you might meet the right person. That person might be closer than you might think." They eavesdrop on my conversations and then tell me how funny I was or how clever I was in that conversation. They get visibly jealous if they see me talk to another girl (often to the point of disrupting the conversation by being rude to the girl I am talking to). They ask my friends and mutual friends about me and I often hear back that the DPF has nothing but glowing things to say about me. It gets to the point where my friends (male and female) start calling me an idiot for ignoring such obvious signs that she likes me and sometimes even her friends will start implying just as much. So after this has gone on for a couple of months with no signs of break and I finally figure "Look, I think it is obvious at this point that she likes me. I mean she is always excited to see me, compliments me non-stop, goes out of her way to spend time with me, and everyone is telling me to go for it. I guess I will." And I ask her out and...

I get shot down. Softly, but shot down nonetheless.

Afterwards I tell some of the people who were encouraging me what happened and at first they think I'm joking. "What do you mean? She was sitting across from you all night smiling. C'mon, you're pulling my leg." And it throws everyone off as much as myself.

The problem is that I have no idea how to deal with this phenomena. Like I said, it's not these are women who seek me out and seem to pursue me. I usually get the feeling when I meet these girls that this is what is going to happen, so I intentionally act really cold and aloof. Sometimes I even purposely disagree with them in an attempt to get them to go away, but they keep hanging around, keep trying to make conversation, keep laying on compliment after compliment, keep telling me what a great guy I am, that I don't realize how special I am, and how they know of a few girls who would consider themselves lucky to have me ("I'm not saying. Let's just say I know of at least one."), and act genuinely sweet. They never ask anything from me (which makes it more confusing because it is not like they are using me) and will in fact offer to do me favors. Eventually I will start to soften and develop a crush on them. I mean, they are pretty, sweet, nice, and really like me despite the fact I was a bit of dick when we first meet. You know, maybe this time it is different. This is how normal women act when they like a guy and maybe she's normal too and those previous four or five girls were just flukes. I mean, a few people have even mistaken her for my girlfriend and her friends are always saying what a cute couple we would make. Blah blah blah.

Sorry to go on a self-indulgent rant, but it is frustrating as hell. And even though after I get rejected I remain on good terms with this girls, I cannot help but feel some resentment towards them. Especially since they continue to act the same way. The compliments, the dreamy staring, the delight they have in that they remembered some obscure fact about me, the jealousy towards other girls, and so on. Also, I still kinda like them which of course puts me in the friendzone which I was tricked into.
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Old 06-10-2014, 10:57 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 90,100,277 times
Reputation: 39941
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank_Carbonni View Post
I usually don't post too much in the relationship forum. It's not really my thing and discussing my successes and failures with women make me alternatively feel like either braggart or self-indulgent whiner (depending on which we are discussing). However, there is one aspect of my interactions with women that have plagued me since my high school years: Determined Possessive Friendzoners.

Now, let me explain. I am not talking about female friends I have developed a crush on (although that has happened once or twice). I have a lot of women friends that range from a step-up from acquaintance to very close friends and they range in looks from, um, " aesthetically challenged" to absolutely stunning. But I am not talking about them. I am also not talking about acquaintances, classmates, and coworkers who sometimes say hello or smile at me. I am not the type of guy who thinks anytime a woman notices him or is nice to him that it means that she is interested; in fact I tend to be rather cautious when it comes to interpreting signals from women due in no small part to the DPF (which we will get to later). I am also not talking some woman that I try to pursue by befriending and doing little favors for her and then end up shocked when they see me as a gofer and not as boyfriend material.

What I am talking about is a woman who basically drafts me into the friendzone. This has happened probably about five or so times in my life. Basically what happens is an attractive girl goes out of her way to attach herself to me and gives plenty of mixed signals. What I mean is that I will meet them or talk to them once and then whenever they get the chance they will hang around me (even if it means ditching their own friends) and they will make effort to talk to me outside of wherever we met. They will constantly compliment me and remember every mundane fact about me that I either tell them or they find out about me (the names of my childhood pets, what elementary school I went to, my birthday, my favorite type of drinks, my favorite foods, etc.). If they hear that I am meeting up with some friends they will invite themselves to that event and make special care to spend time with me. They will constantly ask questions about my relationship status and my views on relationships, if I tell them I'm not really into relationships they act disappointed and say something like, "Well, you never know. One day you might meet the right person. That person might be closer than you might think." They eavesdrop on my conversations and then tell me how funny I was or how clever I was in that conversation. They get visibly jealous if they see me talk to another girl (often to the point of disrupting the conversation by being rude to the girl I am talking to). They ask my friends and mutual friends about me and I often hear back that the DPF has nothing but glowing things to say about me. It gets to the point where my friends (male and female) start calling me an idiot for ignoring such obvious signs that she likes me and sometimes even her friends will start implying just as much. So after this has gone on for a couple of months with no signs of break and I finally figure "Look, I think it is obvious at this point that she likes me. I mean she is always excited to see me, compliments me non-stop, goes out of her way to spend time with me, and everyone is telling me to go for it. I guess I will." And I ask her out and...

I get shot down. Softly, but shot down nonetheless.

Afterwards I tell some of the people who were encouraging me what happened and at first they think I'm joking. "What do you mean? She was sitting across from you all night smiling. C'mon, you're pulling my leg." And it throws everyone off as much as myself.

The problem is that I have no idea how to deal with this phenomena. Like I said, it's not these are women who seek me out and seem to pursue me. I usually get the feeling when I meet these girls that this is what is going to happen, so I intentionally act really cold and aloof. Sometimes I even purposely disagree with them in an attempt to get them to go away, but they keep hanging around, keep trying to make conversation, keep laying on compliment after compliment, keep telling me what a great guy I am, that I don't realize how special I am, and how they know of a few girls who would consider themselves lucky to have me ("I'm not saying. Let's just say I know of at least one."), and act genuinely sweet. They never ask anything from me (which makes it more confusing because it is not like they are using me) and will in fact offer to do me favors. Eventually I will start to soften and develop a crush on them. I mean, they are pretty, sweet, nice, and really like me despite the fact I was a bit of dick when we first meet. You know, maybe this time it is different. This is how normal women act when they like a guy and maybe she's normal too and those previous four or five girls were just flukes. I mean, a few people have even mistaken her for my girlfriend and her friends are always saying what a cute couple we would make. Blah blah blah.

Sorry to go on a self-indulgent rant, but it is frustrating as hell. And even though after I get rejected I remain on good terms with this girls, I cannot help but feel some resentment towards them. Especially since they continue to act the same way. The compliments, the dreamy staring, the delight they have in that they remembered some obscure fact about me, the jealousy towards other girls, and so on. Also, I still kinda like them which of course puts me in the friendzone which I was tricked into.
You sure are worked up over something that has only happened to you "five times" in your life
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:10 PM
 
Location: Concord, California
943 posts, read 874,479 times
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I'm going to assume that you are in the 'college' age group , 20 something.
It would be pretty normal for all that confusing weiredness to happen then. Everyone is still trying to figure out what they want and who they are, you are yourself after all.
You said when asked if you were interested in a relationship you state that you aren't. Thats pretty clear.
If you are interested in a relationship with someone in particular and you are really interested in them, and not playing at being a jerk like at first, then you should let them know thats exactly whats up.
If you really let someone know that I would be surprised that they would refuse. But even if they do, thats kind of the name of the game.
Everyone in the 20 somethings is in that mindset of still looking. Well, I should say everyone...nearly everyone.
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:17 PM
 
3,725 posts, read 4,359,346 times
Reputation: 2262
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
You sure are worked up over something that has only happened to you "five times" in your life
Here is the thing. I am not a relationship person. I've had a few causal flings and so on, but I don't really get into relationships and get attached and they don't get attached to me. Like I rarely end up really liking a woman.

This is different because although it has only happened a few times. It goes on over the course the several months, so even though it has been only a few times we are talking about at least two years worth of time here (and that is a moderate estimate).

Also, it really is frustrating as s--t and has made me cautious of anything other than one-night stands. Also, they tend to actively scare aware girls who really are interested. Like if when I have been out with them and women will start talking to me they will come up and be like, "Oh, so who's your little friend, Frank? Hi, I'm Sarah, I'm with Frank tonight. *shoots her a dirty look* So what have you two been talking about, hmmm?"

I know my post is a bit whiny and self-indulgent, but your response is kinda like, "You sure are worked about about your boyfriend cheating on you. It's only happened 'five times'."
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:19 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 90,100,277 times
Reputation: 39941
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank_Carbonni View Post

I know my post is a bit whiny and self-indulgent,

but your response is kinda like, "You sure are worked about about your boyfriend cheating on you. It's only happened 'five times'."
Over exaggerate much??
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:29 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 90,100,277 times
Reputation: 39941
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank_Carbonni View Post
Here is the thing. I am not a relationship person. I've had a few causal flings and so on, but I don't really get into relationships and get attached and they don't get attached to me. Like I rarely end up really liking a woman.

This is different because although it has only happened a few times. It goes on over the course the several months, so even though it has been only a few times we are talking about at least two years worth of time here (and that is a moderate estimate).

Also, it really is frustrating as s--t and has made me cautious of anything other than one-night stands. Also, they tend to actively scare aware girls who really are interested. Like if when I have been out with them and women will start talking to me they will come up and be like, "Oh, so who's your little friend, Frank? Hi, I'm Sarah, I'm with Frank tonight. *shoots her a dirty look* So what have you two been talking about, hmmm?"

I know my post is a bit whiny and self-indulgent, but your response is kinda like, "You sure are worked about about your boyfriend cheating on you. It's only happened 'five times'."
So I'm confused...what exactly is it you are so upset about?

You say you are not a relationship person.

You say you don't get into relationships.

You say you don't get attached

And even more importantly, you say you rarely end up liking a woman.

So what difference does it make if women want to put you in the friendzone??
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Old 06-10-2014, 11:38 PM
 
14,671 posts, read 18,029,488 times
Reputation: 11617
Just mad mug them and they won't want to be your friend anymore. Alternatively, you could hit on them heavily at the start to let them know that you're not interested in being platonic friends and not to go there with you.

Last edited by srjth; 06-11-2014 at 12:01 AM..
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Old 06-11-2014, 12:10 AM
 
3,725 posts, read 4,359,346 times
Reputation: 2262
Quote:
Originally Posted by foclampt View Post
I'm going to assume that you are in the 'college' age group , 20 something.
It would be pretty normal for all that confusing weiredness to happen then. Everyone is still trying to figure out what they want and who they are, you are yourself after all.
You said when asked if you were interested in a relationship you state that you aren't. Thats pretty clear.
If you are interested in a relationship with someone in particular and you are really interested in them, and not playing at being a jerk like at first, then you should let them know thats exactly whats up.
If you really let someone know that I would be surprised that they would refuse. But even if they do, thats kind of the name of the game.
Everyone in the 20 somethings is in that mindset of still looking. Well, I should say everyone...nearly everyone.
Actually I just turned 30. But all the ladies I have mentioned have been between 16-25 (remember, I did say high school before you think I'm Roman Polanski). And, yes, I am aware of how pathetic it is that I am closer to middle age than my teenage years and I am still dealing with this.

I'll give you a bit of background on myself. I grew up in mostly working-class, blue-collar area and most of the girls I knew from my neighborhood were rather, um, "outgoing" and you knew exactly were you stood with them. It wasn't anything to them to either bluntly reject you or sleep with you. I knew exactly which girls liked me and which ones didn't.

But I ended up moving to a new city in my late teens that was wealthier and the girls were a lot harder to read and I have had fewer success in my adult life than I did when I was 15 and 16.

I think you are right about maybe I should be more ambiguous about my views on relationships, but that never seems to scare them off. In fact, they seem to want to go out of their way to try to convince me otherwise and then when they do, that is when I get turned down.

Now don't get me wrong. The thoughts on this thread are just my inner-monologue and me opening up about some of the more embarrassing and private moments in my life. I have people skills and I am very well-liked in workplace and among my circle of friends. Funny enough, a lot of women assume that I am always sleeping around even though it has been years since that could have been said about.

Oh, and for the sake of fun here is a Facebook post from the latest DPF:

Quote:
aww Frank I cannot say how proud I am of you to write this, you are very brave and a great funny and exciting person who has a lot to offer in life. Remember this and keep smiling! xo
She seriously talks to me like that in person all the time. Even after she rejected me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Over exaggerate much??
My point is that it is annoying and just because it has happened only a couple of times does not make it any less frustrating. I merely just wrote the post because I needed to vent and maybe I might get some helpful advice or perspective so I can avoid this in the future or at least maybe gain a better attitude.

But for some reason you are trying to troll me. Which is cool, but at least make your trolling funny.
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Old 06-11-2014, 12:14 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 90,100,277 times
Reputation: 39941
Quote:
Originally Posted by Frank_Carbonni View Post


My point is that it is annoying and just because it has happened only a couple of times does not make it any less frustrating. I merely just wrote the post because I needed to vent and maybe I might get some helpful advice or perspective so I can avoid this in the future or at least maybe gain a better attitude.

But for some reason you are trying to troll me. Which is cool, but at least make your trolling funny.
I do not troll. I post to help.

I told you, I am confused by what the problem is.

You yourself said you were being self-indulgent, so it's not like my calling your complaints an "exaggeration" was far off the mark.

I get just needing to vent sometimes, but if you want actual helpful advice you have to be able to dialogue with folks who aren't understanding your problem

Going to reread your posts to see if I can better understand things....
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Old 06-11-2014, 12:16 AM
 
14,671 posts, read 18,029,488 times
Reputation: 11617
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Just mad mug them and they won't want to be your friend anymore. Alternatively, you could hit on them heavily at the start to let them know that you're not interested in being platonic friends and not to go there with you.
I'm dead serious, Frank. Take control.
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