Mixed messages - Dont know what to think with this guy (date, sociopathic)
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I apologize in advance if I sound pathetic here lol.
I am interested and somewhat involved with a man I am really into. I am not attracted to many guys so this is a big deal. He is in the middle of a divorce so mostly I am his friend when he needs it. I am not trying to demand any thing and tread lightly. This is unfamiliar to me; I usually state my needs plainly. In his case though I am trying to put him first since his situation is so upsetting and he isn't emotionally available.We have had emotionally close intimate times though, it isn't just a surface thing. Anytime we get close I feel very happy and undemanding.
But then he pulls away or I pull away when I am not getting enough attention (and I don't ask for much). This in itself isn't so bad, I truly have my own life and don't focus on him too much. The problem I am having is - I am not getting much attention but he is out there trying to meet/contact other people to be his companion during this lonely time. Someone to talk to, not necessarily for sex. He knows he can't truly date at this time but he has 400 facebook friends, close friends who keep him busy and me....so why is he trolling for more?
I don't know if I am just hurt because I am loving and available yet he rejects me for a potential stranger or if something deeper is going on. I have tried to leave him twice now and he fought me on it and we got even closer. I have confronted him as well out there looking for others when I am right here. He says all the right things though of course. He also doesn't seem to have much relationship experience and married young, if this helps give insight. He knows how much this behavior hurts me and he revealed a lot and apologized profusely. Things were awesome but then I found him his posting an ad for "someone to talk to since he is lonely during his separation". I am a widow, not divorced, so I did not have his direct experience.
I don't even know what I am asking. Mostly I am very attached to him but timing is bad. He has many wonderful qualities and is very accepting of me. I am a generous sweet person and I feel compelled to be there for him. I would need/demand more if he wasnt in his current situation.
I guess I want to know if someone divorcing is just a mess and not to read much into it, or is he a dick and I'm incredibly stupid. and btw - I had a poor behavior episode with him, and he forgave me because he understood what it was about.
I have dated others after I met him and I knew he was separated but I don't like anyone as much as him, although I've tried to, truly. I have known him seven months. I didn't mean to get involved so deeply with a separated man, but here it is.
You say you have communicated your concerns with him, yet still you are not enough.
Extricate yourself from this mess, and tell him he needs to get his life together. Tell him not to contact you because his hot and cold behavior HURTS YOU.
The reason "why" he may be doing this matters not. The only thing that matters is WHY you continue to allow it.
I understand that you really care for him, but you can see now that it is not reciprocated. He is going through a divorce, and you need to withdraw. Care for yourself this time.
I have read about and heard about this kind of thing before, and I've experienced it myself. Part of what is happening is your are experiencing a relationship with a person who has a borderline personality disorder. He is not a safe person to have a relationship with, if you noticed from his track record and how he treated the other people in his life, like disposable items put there for his amusement. And when he gets tired of one person, he moves onto the next...and that's just the way he is, and the way he sees' relationships.
There are some new terms out there for this, you'll find a plethora of resources and similar stories from women going through almost the same thing, it will help you enormously to do some research on narcissistic personality disorder, on sociopathic personality disorder, and on psychopathic personality disorder. And in the meantime, try to put some distance between that which is causing you so much distress and your personal sanity.
You will find out more about no contact soon...pay attention to that one.
wow foclam, so weird you mentioned bpd. His father has it and we spent many nights discussing how much it damaged him (and how he tries not to be like his father). I did some reading on it, saw some similarities but when I really confronted him on some bad behavior he lied about he acted un-bpd like - apologized, admitted everything, took responsibility, etc. He always blames himself for stuff too, not other ppl. Plus he is so easy going quiet natured I cant see him as bpd so much anymore. he was keeping big secrets when I first go to know him and it explained a lot of things.
True, WHY isn't so important. I always feel a need to know. I don't know why.
And things improved after our big blow out and making it clear how hurtful this was. Maybe I just cant accept he wants me around, fights for it, but goes looking for comfort elsewhere when I am right here.
Due to my spouse's passing I have my own hangups and difficulty getting close to people. I think this is why I am having trouble. I haven't felt close to anyone in ages. That and through my life people have been kind and generous to me even when I wasn't so nice to them. I am trying to do the same.
You are pretty lucky then, to not have been put through the meat grinder of many relationships after your husbands passing. I think you still have a trusting and sweetness and a kind of innocence about accepting another person that can only have come from years of being able to trust someone because they were trustworthy.
A person will show themselves by their actions...it did seem to me that you said he'd already had relationships prior to his divorce. He's having relationships with others' and not making any commitments to you even though hes' grooming you to be part of his harem. And hes' made some trauma in your relationship with you by not providing for your needs, not appearing to want to, and at the same time openly pursuing other relationships.
What about this dynamic seems to be so great? If you honestly don't mind being part of his harem, then great, but you don't get to complain. You'll find its a put up or shut up kind of deal.
I can't think of a relationship that's based on trust, mutual respect and love that works like that...
Maybe that sounded harsh, I'm sorry if it did. Of course I'm thinking of my own experience...its been quite a few months since I last had contact with him. I felt such a strong connection, and like your guy, he could be so sweet, and kindhearted, and already knew so much about what to say and how to say it, and it was all just a matter of playing a game...what he thought sounded good. He had no interest in ever making something real - lasting, and monogamous. I was after all, in spite of the sweetness...just another one of the many many women that he knew...and we all were...just one of many.
I don't want to be that to someone. I want them to look at me and see the one person they want to be with. Not someone they don't want to be with because of a long list of reasons...why waste my time, and his time?
There are many reasons why I miss him but will not contact him, and actually reading your post reminded me of that, so thank you.
I guess I want to know if someone divorcing is just a mess and not to read much into it, or is he a dick and I'm incredibly stupid. and btw - I had a poor behavior episode with him, and he forgave me because he understood what it was about.
You would be incredibly stupid if you think he is going to change. Either be happy with what you have now or you move on.
I don't think anyone here should be spouting off about BPD or any other "disorder" when what's going on in nothing short of human behavior.
The guy is getting divorced after marrying young and possibly has been married a long time (OP didn't give details). He doesn't WANT that one-on-one relationship that he had with his marriage, and frankly that wouldn't be good for him right now anyway. He wants to shake things up and do what he hasn't been doing and is probably confused on top of everything else. He NEEDS to meet different and new people, it's the healthy thing to do. When someone doesn't know what they want they aren't going to be there for YOU in any way. It's just a fact.
Until his divorce is final, and until he plays the field in whatever way is comfortable for him, he won't be available for an actual relationship.
If you're getting mixed messages, it means you're not important to him.
If you're confused by his actions, he's not that into you.
People get so wrapped up with being confused by another person's actions. If you have to ask another person, it means you should quit wasting your time because it's already over.
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