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I never paid any attention to men I wasn't completely into. There had to be a strong attraction for me to even consider meeting him. We would spend very little time emailing and on the phone, and agree to meet in person asap. I always looked forward to meeting him.
I'm an organizer in an active Meetup group and I'm a volunteer leader for our
local Hands On chapter. (Yes, this contradicts my statement above about being
shy. It turns out I'm a good organizer/leader despite my shyness). So I meet
new people all the time. However, I meet very few single men in my desired age
range for dating (35-45) so I'm trying online again.
Our meeting today is at a coffee shop which has pretty good reviews. I know
the area it's in pretty well, but when I looked up the exact location, I
stumbled across a review that says they close at 2:00 and we're meeting at 5:00
but the review is old. So I tried to call and got a message that they have not
set up their mailbox. (No hours posted on Google +, FB or Yelp either).
I'm like you, NWGirl, just not a leader or organizer. I do volunteer and my hope is to volunteer a lot this coming summer. My sister believes I should do more OLD than volunteer due to our demographic age. I just can't do online dating. I don't believe I'll meet anyone through OLD. I do have to try, I guess, before I really say something like that.
I feel like I'll know what I'm looking for when I find it like I did before.
This is true for me, too .
With OLD, I don't meet someone unless I think there is a pretty good probability of things working out. And that means a good connection as friends, before we meet. I am not compatible with people who cannot express themselves in text, on the phone, etc., so I don't worry about missing out on them.
I cannot predict sexual attraction before I meet someone in person, though. So the first meeting for me is, 'We already connect well as friends; now, are we attracted?'
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant
But part of the fault is mine. I willingly engage in correspondence women for whom I don't feel any initial attraction, in the hope that our shared values and preferences would eventually engender mutual physical appeal. Typically this fails, and I feel guilty for what amounts to a disingenuous display of interest.
Unlike the case of many posters in this thread. a substantial portion of my first-dates (if not outright the majority) result in a second and third date. And then I face the awkward reality of explaining to the lady that I much enjoy her company as a person, but am unable to muster a feeling of physical attraction to her. This is intensely difficult to verbalize politely.
Why feel guilty? To me it seems normal, that you cannot determine attraction without meeting.
And why do you go on the second or third date? Does it take multiple dates for you to figure out whether you are interested? This true for me, and I explain it to my dates. Communication helps . I often find that guys are surprised that I need multiple dates before I know, so to me it is important that they understand that a second (or third) date is not a commitment from me.
Maybe you could say something like, 'I find you charming and enjoy your company. I usually need several dates before I can ascertain whether my interest in someone is friendly or romantic. Would you be willing to indulge my slow process?'
After a first date, my answer to the attraction question is usually either a definite 'no', or a 'maybe'. I don't remember it ever being 'yes', except when I was looking for a casual partner and so my need for life-compatibility was lower.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NWGirl74
When you meet someone for the first time, particularly from an OLD site, do you typically find you're looking forward to it or that it's just a formality?
Depends on where my head is that day/week/time of life, and how awesome their profile is and out communication has been.
And why do you go on the second or third date? Does it take multiple dates for you to figure out whether you are interested? This true for me, and I explain it to my dates.
With the last guy I dated, I went on the second date because I was pretty nervous on the first and he seemed to be as well. In hindsight, there really shouldn't have been a second date and there certainly shouldn't have been any dates after that. He wasn't a bad guy and the experience overall did add value to my life; we just didn't have anything in common but at the same time weren't opposite enough for it to be interesting.
I get both excited and nervous with anticipation. The day of, as the hour draws nearer, sometimes I get almost jittery with excitement and want to cancel, Lol. I've had two and they both went really well so I think, next time it's going to be just terrible! I've got to have a bad one sometime here. I try really hard to screen guys though, through messaging, and especially, phone conversations. You can tell quite a bit just by talking on the phone, I feel. If they are easy to talk to, and eager to keep the conversation going, the meet up will probably be a success. There's just that general vibe. I think if I had a uncomfortable phone conversation I wouldn't go through with it.
I am usually a bit excited, but not nervous. The first phone conversation creates some nervousness for the first few minutes. I'll let him talk while I get my thoughts together. I have not had any bad first dates because I usually screen from the phone conversation with things like whether he listens when I am talking and whether he is comfortable talking about himself without overdoing it. I like first dates.
The day of, as the hour draws nearer, sometimes I get almost jittery with excitement and want to cancel, Lol.
I did almost cancel this one at the last minute. Driving to meet him, I had this overwhelming sense of sadness and found myself thinking "I really don't want to do this." I'm not sure if that was some inner-sense of being or just the effect of having received bad news over the weekend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by nostoneunturned
You can tell quite a bit just by talking on the phone, I feel. If they are easy to talk to, and eager to keep the conversation going, the meet up will probably be a success. There's just that general vibe. I think if I had a uncomfortable phone conversation I wouldn't go through with it.
I've mentioned someone in other posts who I ultimately decided not to meet because I realized I don't want to pursue a LDR. We spoke once on the phone and it was a very excruciating, often silence-filled 35 minutes. Yet, despite that, I was still "at the top of his list" due to meeting all the requirements on his checklist.
Interestingly, he randomly started emailing me again as if his parting shot wasn't that I won the "race to Rejection" that online dating seems to be and that I missed out on a good one.
I did almost cancel this one at the last minute. Driving to meet him, I had this overwhelming sense of sadness and found myself thinking "I really don't want to do this." I'm not sure if that was some inner-sense of being or just the effect of having received bad news over the weekend.
I've mentioned someone in other posts who I ultimately decided not to meet because I realized I don't want to pursue a LDR. We spoke once on the phone and it was a very excruciating, often silence-filled 35 minutes. Yet, despite that, I was still "at the top of his list" due to meeting all the requirements on his checklist.
Interestingly, he randomly started emailing me again as if his parting shot wasn't that I won the "race to Rejection" that online dating seems to be and that I missed out on a good one.
These kind of feelings is why dating is so difficult. People get online thinking they are ready, but then they get close to the date and they get cold feet. Sometimes I wonder if it's like the wedding epidemic. People are more excited about the planning of marriage than actually being married. Are more people excited about the potential of a date, but not actually going out on the date? Chase, capture, lose interest, throwback, wash-rinse-repeat.
These kind of feelings is why dating is so difficult. People get online thinking they are ready, but then they get close to the date and they get cold feet.
Which is why I've closed my account down so quickly in the past. With Match, I didn't last long because I wasn't getting any messages at all so it was a waste of money to keep the account active. With OKC, when someone would express interest, I'd bail.
The date I had on Wednesday was with someone I initiated contact with. So I've definitely come along way from my first attempt with OKC a few years ago.
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