U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 06-24-2014, 05:52 PM
 
9 posts, read 15,123 times
Reputation: 26

Advertisements

My wife and I have been married just over 4 years. I have sole custody of my 2 kids from a previous marriage. At first, everything seemed to be going well. Now, I feel like my life has gone to hell. I am in the military and was just informed that I will be forced to retire in 2 years. I don’t really like what I do in the military and want to go back to college to earn my degree, what I want to major in versus what my wife wants me to major in a two way different ideas. Where we live, there aren’t a lot of jobs for the degree I want to pursue, but the large city (approximately 60 miles away) has plenty. She has said everything but “I forbid you from majoring in X” and has let her intentions well known. I was attempting to pursue this degree prior to joining the military, but being young, I didn’t have the drive or dedication to do it, now I do.



I also don’t feel that she loves my children any longer, or even if she ever did. She has not said “I love you” to either one of them in well over a year. She complains about their grades all the time, they both got straight A’s and B’s this year except for one class. She’ll go through their backpacks looking for anything. They’ve been on summer break for over 3 weeks not and are not allowed to do anything except watch television while we are both at work. If she catches them playing video games, reading books, doing puzzles, board games, etc, she gets very pissed and tell me they need to “earn” playing with those things. The kids are teenagers and still have no cell phones either, once again, the “earn” idea comes up every time I mention anything.


My oldest dreams of being a veterinarian. My wife has told her that she will never be able to achieve that because she doesn’t study or get good grades to get into college. If I disagree with her and try to talk to her rationally, she completely shuts down, and looks like she is about to go into a rage. Once she calms down, she always insists that I’m mad at her and I don’t support her.



We’ve been to family counseling with and without the kids, it worked for a little while, but everything reverted back. What would you do in this situation? I don’t know how else to approach any of these issues with her to avoid confrontation.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 06-24-2014, 06:01 PM
Status: "Beach time!" (set 26 days ago)
 
Location: Fredericksburg/Virginia Beach, VA
10,700 posts, read 11,099,435 times
Reputation: 14008
Your last words summed up your problem: "I don't know..." and "...to avoid confrontation."

You, sir, are at a crossroads. Either accept status quo and allow your wife to choose your degree for you, your post military career, what your kids will do for summer break, etc; as well as verbally beat you and your kids up over trivial things (though grades certainly are important) and generally create an atmosphere of contention and animosity. OR you can say to hell with avoiding confrontation. And I don't recommend this lightly because I generally favor avoiding confrontation with my wife. But from the sound of it, you are already engaged (in a manner of speaking) in confrontation. You clearly are not happy and she doesn't seem to be either.

Time to confront the problem head on. Time to lead a frontal assault on a fix position. Go straight into the teeth of her defense and take no prisoners: every issue must be resolved.

You didn't survive all those years in the Army avoiding tough decisions, did you?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-24-2014, 06:08 PM
 
Location: The point of no return, er, NorCal
7,236 posts, read 4,657,564 times
Reputation: 9307
Quote:
Originally Posted by iknowftbll View Post
Your last words summed up your problem: "I don't know..." and "...to avoid confrontation."

You, sir, are at a crossroads. Either accept status quo and allow your wife to choose your degree for you, your post military career, what your kids will do for summer break, etc; as well as verbally beat you and your kids up over trivial things (though grades certainly are important) and generally create an atmosphere of contention and animosity. OR you can say to hell with avoiding confrontation. And I don't recommend this lightly because I generally favor avoiding confrontation with my wife. But from the sound of it, you are already engaged (in a manner of speaking) in confrontation. You clearly are not happy and she doesn't seem to be either.

Time to confront the problem head on. Time to lead a frontal assault on a fix position. Go straight into the teeth of her defense and take no prisoners: every issue must be resolved.

You didn't survive all those years in the Army avoiding tough decisions, did you?
This.

Either tackle the issues at hand, and actually do so -- don't let her browbeat you and your children, or cut ties.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-24-2014, 06:20 PM
 
14,443 posts, read 17,385,941 times
Reputation: 11240
Well that's no way to live.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-24-2014, 06:48 PM
 
Location: Redwood Shores, Ca
376 posts, read 422,320 times
Reputation: 581
You should seriously consider divorce. You are lucky that it happened in four years, instead of 10 or more. Cut your loses, you seemed torn by the situation, and justifiably so. If you are miserable, and making compromise, I suggest you look in the mirror. If the person you see, isn't the same person you remember when you were happy, then just hire an attorney. NO matter what it costs, you can't put off the inevitable, do whatever it takes to get it done. No matter how much it costs, no matter how painful it is, you will be so relieved when you remove the 120 lbs tumor<<<replace with true weight of wife..>>> that is growing off your side....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-24-2014, 06:52 PM
 
1,234 posts, read 1,184,558 times
Reputation: 1288
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1w0n View Post
you will be so relieved when you remove the 120 lbs tumor<<<replace with true weight of wife..>>> that is growing off your side....
Wow. What an analogy! OP, if you're not happy anymore, then why stay married? I definitely won't stay married if I get unhappy.

I also didn't like they way she treats your children. No hobby but TV? Wow. Your wife seems like a controlling nut.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-24-2014, 09:54 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,421 posts, read 17,408,474 times
Reputation: 14102
If you don't resent your wife now, it's just a matter of time.

YOU are responsible for your children. They aren't allowed to READ??!! Your wife is making some very bad choices for them. You need to have a talk with her about this and put your foot down!

You're also responsible for yourself. You should consider your wife's arguments, but the decision should be yours. (If I knew what you wanted to major in, I might side with your wife, but it should be your decision.)

If she can't accept that, I'd show her the front door.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-24-2014, 11:34 PM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,522 posts, read 8,773,196 times
Reputation: 12218
My guess is that she feels like she is your last priority and is taking it out on YOUR kids.

If so, you need to step up and raise you kids the way you want. You need to tell her that she is not to be a parent to your children.

And, if it's not too late, you need to make an extra effort to show her through your behavior that you are loving husband on top of being a loving father.

I've been through this and it works, although I was on your wife's end. I came to love her even more when i saw what a fine mother she was/is.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-25-2014, 05:44 AM
 
Location: Middle America
36,669 posts, read 41,959,223 times
Reputation: 50555
Who the eff tells kids they can watch TV, but not read?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 06-25-2014, 05:48 AM
 
5,917 posts, read 6,725,164 times
Reputation: 15260
I did not realize my psycho ex wife had remarried.

Move along......she will NOT get better. (The kids will be fine).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 11:07 AM.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top