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Serious question: Do you sleep with every person you go on 3-4 dates with?! I mean holy crap lol
Ha ha, no I surely don't!!! I am almost 45 and been on plenty of dates believe me, and my number is very low 20s. Just had this amazing chemistry with my BF and honestly have only had that amount of attraction three times in my life, with this being by far the strongest. I have come to realize that level of attraction is not too common. If you are not feeling it, don't sleep with the guy.
That is not AT ALL true. I can't even enjoy sex unless I actually have feelings for the person. In the past I had sex with someone relatively soon and ended up heart broken and felt like tossed trash. I never want to be in that type of situation again. The reason I didn't have sex right away with this guy is because I didn't know what his intentions were for me (was he just looking for sex?)and I wanted to build up a connection first. 3 dates doesn't work for me. I still don't even know the person.
But having good sex together is part of the process of building up a connection. No man with any life experience is going to be foolish enough to invest himself in a relationship without first finding out if he and the woman are sexually compatible. I'm sorry, but you seem to have rather sex-negative attitude. That is definitely a big turn of for most men.
Ok...but lets say I go on 2-3 dates a month. If I make it to 3-4 dates with two of these guys...that's like sleeping with 2 guys every month...24 guys a year. Heck...let's say I only want to date one guy at a time...one guy a month...that's still 12 guys a year. I mean that would be insane if I slept with every guy I was dating!!
Some do that, and see no problem. lol It ust depends on if it's an issue for you. You are learning society is damn near all about sex now. I think it's oversexed.
So, you can only go on your own morals. because with sex and dating, there isn't a 1 size fits all, as someone stated. Some women get lucky and marry the 1st man they date and sleep with. Others stay single, and some do find love, but not until they're all played out and used by 12-100 other guys. lol
So, the best advice I think if you for you sit, and really think about your morals. How do you see sex? Is it something to just enjoy freely, or is it something special reserved for a special man--not just any ol' guy.
And how many men are you ok with sleeping with? Maybe you'd make a goal/point to never sleep with more than 15 guys in your life. Some may do that. Maybe you would decide numbers don't matter, and you just play by ear the men you sleep with, regardless of how many.
So, from seeing your posts, you have a more old-fashioned view on sex, and prefer to wait before just giving into lust and trying to fuel a relationship on it. But as you can see by the forum, that belief isn't popular nowadays.
I am the same way. I prefer to wait, and build the relationship. Then sex comes after love has formed. But I am well aware many guys will not feel that way. But I make peace with that. If he loves sex more than me, I don't want him anyway, so he can get lost. I may be single forever--but I am prepared for that too if it comes to that lol I have seen guys wait for sex with girls they cared for, and the waits took over 1 year. So, it's possible if one is run by, and slave to, their libido. lol
So, I think in the future, you need to be outright about your feelings on sex with guys. If they ditch you, you didn't even have time to waste--their time, or your's. If hey seem to accept it, give them a shot. Now some guys may feel they'll wear you down, but then it'll be their fault when they don't get what they want, because they knew what to expect, you told them.
Like a guy who told a girl I know he only wanted sex from her. She agreed, and now 10 months later, she's upset he doesn't seem to care for her. Well, duh comes to mind lol
Last edited by HappyRain; 06-25-2014 at 03:02 PM..
That is not AT ALL true. I can't even enjoy sex unless I actually have feelings for the person. In the past I had sex with someone relatively soon and ended up heart broken and felt like tossed trash. I never want to be in that type of situation again. The reason I didn't have sex right away with this guy is because I didn't know what his intentions were for me (was he just looking for sex?)and I wanted to build up a connection first. 3 dates doesn't work for me. I still don't even know the person.
This is the root of all your problems. You should probably speak to a therapist about this.
Anyway, you mentioned wanting to sleep over just to cuddle. This is neither modern nor traditional. In modern days, sleeping over implies having sex. Perhaps the first or second time you can take it slow but any more than that, I would seriously question your intentions. I would probably suspect you have some serious psychological issues regarding sex which you do, which would make me question any future with you. Normal women who don't want to have sex right away aren't sleeping over. In the old days, I doubt women even risked sleeping over if they didn't want sex because it just leads to temptation and gossip.
Personally, I will try to gauge their interest on the first date, and if I go on another date, and we don't have sex, then I assume she isn't into me, or has some moral reason for not. The later makes me think it may mean she isn't going to be experienced. Has this reasoning caused me to miss out on some really great women, of course, but there are many more women in the sea, who are just the way I like them.
A good way to know if the guy only wants sex, is to have sex and see how he behaves. Some guys will totally change when they get what they want, and it sucks for you if you invested time in the "relationship" and developed feelings.
I may want to have sex within two dates, but it doesn't mean I am a bad person. I don't deceive women, I am transparent and open about all of my life. I don't tell women any lies, they know what I am looking for from the first date. If I am casually seeing someone else, they will know, and can make their decision on their own. I personally prefer to start off casually having fun, and see where it goes. It's important to know if we are compatible physically, and I would like to find out sooner than later. I have tried to be noble, and all that got me was someone who became really needy when we finally did it....
The problem here isn't really that the OP is withholding sex or using it as a bargaining chip. The problem is that the OP doesn't seem to be very good at reading men. And it seems that quite a few women have this issue - and men as well, I'm sure. The OP doesn't seem to be able to tell the difference between genuine interest in her and a fake interest in order to get laid. And I think that is a valid concern. You need to be able to tell the difference between someone telling you what you want to hear and someone meaning what they are saying. I've never really been into "charming" guys - and my friends who are have had some issues. Not that all charming guys are users but I am more attracted to… well… non-charming guys! And like I said in another thread - you can't "unsleep" with someone - so if sex is something you take seriously, it's better to wait and miss out on someone who won't stick around than it is to sleep with someone and end up feeling used. But that's just my 2 cents.
I get that but I feel like no guy ever wants a relationship because they all disappear before I am actually willing to sleep with them. I'm honestly starting to hate all men because all they want is sex! I thought maybe I should start dating older men. I'm 27 so I started dating men who were 35 and up but it was the same thing.
No, you would have to look at guys over 60 or 70 for that to work. Not 35.
I'm really surprised that you are at this age and having this problem.
How is your sex drive, ordinarily? Most women and men) would have difficulty sleeping next to someone they were really attracted to but had not had sex with. I mean, they would not be able to sleep. They would just lie there awake. This is the reason that for men and women 'just sleep over and cuddle' is normally code for 'probably have sex'.
Are you actually attracted to these guys? Do you rush home to masturbate after sleeping next to them? I don't mean to be graphic, and there's no need to answer that publicly, but if you don't then you need to consider whether you may have an endocrine problem, or may be dating guys who do not really appeal to you.
What do these guys say when you bring up the topic after sleeping over and just cuddling? After they know that you mean it literally. What do they say then, about your need to wait?
Are you willing to commit to someone without knowing whether they are sexually compatible with you? Why?
No, you would have to look at guys over 60 or 70 for that to work. Not 35.
I'm really surprised that you are at this age and having this problem.
How is your sex drive, ordinarily? Most women and men) would have difficulty sleeping next to someone they were really attracted to but had not had sex with. I mean, they would not be able to sleep. They would just lie there awake. This is the reason that for men and women 'just sleep over and cuddle' is normally code for 'probably have sex'.
Are you actually attracted to these guys? Do you rush home to masturbate after sleeping next to them? I don't mean to be graphic, and there's no need to answer that publicly, but if you don't then you need to consider whether you may have an endocrine problem, or may be dating guys who do not really appeal to you.
What do these guys say when you bring up the topic after sleeping over and just cuddling? After they know that you mean it literally. What do they say then, about your need to wait?
Are you willing to commit to someone without knowing whether they are sexually compatible with you? Why?
This is very true. If I'm attracted to the woman, there's a very good chance I'm poking her thigh and butt cheek all night. Even more so if we don't have sex, and I fantasize about her when she leaves. If a woman only wanted to sleep over at my house constantly and we didn't even roam hands, then I would honestly think I was messing around with a teenager, because that's what a teenager would do. I'd rather not sleepover and then not have to deal with the temptation. You're putting yourself in a situation where sex is the likely outcome MOST of the time. We all respect your boundaries, but don't be surprised when a guy respects your boundaries by disappearing.
"Come over and watch a movie"...really means "let's have sex"
"Sleep over so we can cuddle"...translation "let's have sex"
"I really like spending time with you"...translation "I want to have sex with you"
UGH!
Yes, Nomadic, you've got it now!
(no, seriously!)
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And like I said in another thread - you can't "unsleep" with someone - so if sex is something you take seriously, it's better to wait and miss out on someone who won't stick around than it is to sleep with someone and end up feeling used. But that's just my 2 cents.
