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Lately I have been having a horrible time dating and I believe it is due to the amount of time I wait to have sex with someone. I'm not someone that can have sex without becoming attached to someone, so I like to take my time and make sure this guy is actually going to stick around. My problem is I can never seem to get past a month before a guy seems to just disappear. I have dated several guys this year whom I was really excited about. Slept over, met their friends, went out of town with them all to have them eventually stop calling. The last guy I was dating I spent everyday with for a week. I slept over his house for 5 days in a row. No we did not have sex. We made out a lot and cuddled. I invited him out with my friends and we had a good time. Anyways when I left his house saturday morning that was the last time I heard from him. We had been dating for 3 weeks before he disappeared on me (hanging out about 3-4 times a week). So my question is for guys:
1. How long do you date a girl before you expect her to sleep with you?
2. Would you ask someone to be your girlfriend before sleeping with them?
3. How do you know if a guy is only spending time with you because he only wants to sleep with you versus wanting a relationship?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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1. I hate the word expect, but I haven't been on more than 3 dates w/o having sex in over 8 or 9 years. If we're attracted to each other enough to want to keep dating, we'll have sex.
2. No
3. I don't know if there is a good answer for that. Oh, people will tell you cues (he calls instead of texts, he introduces you to his friends) and while they have some merit, it really is about gut feeling. Honestly, sometimes I don't know for awhile either. That is what dating is about, to figure out if is relationship worthy, or what the right fit for our relationship is.
Last edited by timberline742; 06-25-2014 at 01:24 PM..
You find out exactly the way you did; you hang out with them awhile, and wait to see if they stick around. The answer in the instances you give was "they were in it for the sex, and the sex didn't happen". You did the right thing; you weeded them out. (Or caused them to weed themselves out.) See how that works?
Here's a thought; maybe you shouldn't be staying over at their place so much. When you sleep over, it raises certain expectations. These guys may have decided you were a tease and a closet prude.
1. It varies, WILDLY from guy to guy.
2. I'm gonna say, "generally no"
3. You don't. Surprise!
The short answer to the concerns addressed in the OP really is: you don't know. I know you were probably looking for something more specific, but that's simply one of the perils you have as a woman trying to find the right guy. Just like there's many things that guys go through in their efforts to find a woman (or women).
I'm really not of the opinion that "taking your time and making sure the guy is actually going to stick around" works. If it's the kind of guy that's going to hit it and quit it, making him wait isn't going to change that. At best, all it does is get rid of him sooner. Waiting doesn't "encourage" guys to stick around after sleeping with you...they will or they won't. And if they're the kind of guys that will, sleeping with them "too soon" doesn't scare them off.
1. It varies, WILDLY from guy to guy.
2. I'm gonna say, "generally no"
3. You don't. Surprise!
The short answer to the concerns addressed in the OP really is: you don't know. I know you were probably looking for something more specific, but that's simply one of the perils you have as a woman trying to find the right guy. Just like there's many things that guys go through in their efforts to find a woman (or women).
I'm really not of the opinion that "taking your time and making sure the guy is actually going to stick around" works. If it's the kind of guy that's going to hit it and quit it, making him wait isn't going to change that. At best, all it does is get rid of him sooner. Waiting doesn't "encourage" guys to stick around after sleeping with you...they will or they won't. And if they're the kind of guys that will, sleeping with them "too soon" doesn't scare them off.
I believe that's the goal for some women. The sooner they find out, the better, so they can move on.
For me personally, I never tied sex to any amount of time. I was in each relationship to find my perfect mate- and sex would come whenever we were ready. It just so happened that most of the women I dated were more conservative, not feeling comfortable doing that until very serious or even married. Which was fine with me- I mean if the woman is that important to me I wouldn't ditch her just because sex wasn't coming quickly enough, I never understood guys who do that. I guess I've never been a part of the "hook up culture", so none of that makes sense to me.
So for number 2, yes, definitely I would ask a girl to be my girlfriend (at least back when I was single) without having slept with them. I did, it was the case with any I ever dated because as noted above, they happened to be the more conservative types who would not "give it up" until completely committed or even married.
I can't really answer number 3, as I don't have personal experience to speak from.
Here's a thought; maybe you shouldn't be staying over at their place so much. When you sleep over, it raises certain expectations. These guys may have decided you were a tease and a closet prude.
That is the exact impression I would have gotten, if I had been in their position. And I would've done the same thing they did.
Waiting a while before sex is fine (my personal limit would be around a month or so), but if you're going to continue with these sexless sleepovers, you'd better be crystal clear to them about your policy on having sex. You should be clear about that anyway, but even more so with these sleepovers.
That is the exact impression I would have gotten, if I had been in their position. And I would've done the same thing they did.
Waiting a while before sex is fine (my personal limit would be around a month or so), but if you're going to continue with these sexless sleepovers, you'd better be crystal clear to them about your policy on having sex. You should be clear about that anyway, but even more so with these sleepovers.
But whats the big deal about sleeping over? I like to cuddle! I like having a body next to mine. I really don't see that as being a big deal. So the only time you should sleep over is if your going to have sex?! The odd thing is the guy was always really respectful, never pressured me or tried to go to far so I thought it was ok with it.
1) If it's not happening within the first two dates I'll assume she not that into me physically.
2) No, not without sleeping with her first.
3) If I was using her for just for sex, I'll let her know from the beginning.
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