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No, that wasn't why I kicked him out... it was a lot of "stuff" that lead up to that point. I can go on and on about the problems I have with him... not being supportive, not communicating with me when we DID have problems so we could've avoided it getting this bad... Maybe it's not 100% my fault, but a majority of it probably IS my fault. I accept that.
How much extra support do you need? He moved to be with you. You have all these problems with HIM, but you don't seem to care about the problems HE has with YOU.
Something's gotta give. I think you need to calm down & quit harping about everything to him. A good relationship starts with love & understanding. So what if he doesn't do the laundry when you tell him? You're not his mother. Let the man do it when he's ready to do it. It's not like the world is going to come to an end if he doesn't do it today. If you need something washed, wash it yourself, without his clothes, or you each do your own laundry.
I mean this is really basic silly stuff you are getting angry with him about.
Well, yes. That's why I was blindsided by this. Since the "break up" point, our relationship has improved exponentially. We have been communicating way more effectively, have gotten less frustrated with one another... If things don't get done the way I had hoped they would, I've put it into perspective... laundry is laundry, dishes are dishes, it's not important in the grand scheme of things. He has told me that he feels happy. Legitimately happy and feeling like things are going down the right path. And counseling will help us through the rest of the other "stuff." But he's still not sure. And he says that he doesn't know if the improvements are temporary or if things have really "changed." Either way, being stuck in limbo hurts, yes, even if it's my fault. But that's the thing... no one EVER knows. Three months ago, everything was perceived to be honky dory and now it's hopeless.
Well, yes. That's why I was blindsided by this. Since the "break up" point, our relationship has improved exponentially. We have been communicating way more effectively, have gotten less frustrated with one another... If things don't get done the way I had hoped they would, I've put it into perspective... laundry is laundry, dishes are dishes, it's not important in the grand scheme of things. He has told me that he feels happy. Legitimately happy and feeling like things are going down the right path. And counseling will help us through the rest of the other "stuff." But he's still not sure. And he says that he doesn't know if the improvements are temporary or if things have really "changed." Either way, being stuck in limbo hurts, yes, even if it's my fault. But that's the thing... no one EVER knows. Three months ago, everything was perceived to be honky dory and now it's hopeless.
You kicking him out over something silly now has him running scared. the only way to fix it is to let him build up trust for you again. Right now, he is walking on eggshells around you, because he has no idea what caused you to freak out the last time.
This is going to take time, months maybe, and the more you push him, the further away he is going to get.
How much extra support do you need? He moved to be with you. You have all these problems with HIM, but you don't seem to care about the problems HE has with YOU.
Something's gotta give. I think you need to calm down & quit harping about everything to him. A good relationship starts with love & understanding. So what if he doesn't do the laundry when you tell him? You're not his mother. Let the man do it when he's ready to do it. It's not like the world is going to come to an end if he doesn't do it today. If you need something washed, wash it yourself, without his clothes, or you each do your own laundry.
I mean this is really basic silly stuff you are getting angry with him about.
I think I put too much emphasis on the laundry stuff. That's really minor. His major issue is that he doesn't feel like he can be himself. Even if being himself is to yell at me because he's mad at his computer not working. Or when we were with my parents and he made a wrong turn and cursed and shouted for an hour in the car, but I shouldn't be upset with him because "obviously his anger wasn't at me, but at the wrong turn." He seems to think his actions towards things should affect anyone else. My parents were also taken aback at his reactions to outside things that were unavoidable, and then he's grumpy for the whole rest of the day. Those are the types of things that have bothered me... I'm supposed to take the brunt of his frustrations even though I've had nothing to do with them, but he doesn't think I should be upset about him snapping at me because I didn't cause his frustration. Maybe I shouldn't, but isn't that him telling me how I should react? Isn't that the same thing... I can't be myself?
I think I put too much emphasis on the laundry stuff. That's really minor. His major issue is that he doesn't feel like he can be himself. Even if being himself is to yell at me because he's mad at his computer not working. Or when we were with my parents and he made a wrong turn and cursed and shouted for an hour in the car, but I shouldn't be upset with him because "obviously his anger wasn't at me, but at the wrong turn." He seems to think his actions towards things should affect anyone else. My parents were also taken aback at his reactions to outside things that were unavoidable, and then he's grumpy for the whole rest of the day. Those are the types of things that have bothered me... I'm supposed to take the brunt of his frustrations even though I've had nothing to do with them, but he doesn't think I should be upset about him snapping at me because I didn't cause his frustration. Maybe I shouldn't, but isn't that him telling me how I should react? Isn't that the same thing... I can't be myself?
My husband yelled at me the other day over something stupid and I yelled back, "Don't effing yell at me!" and then sweetly said, "How about pizza for dinner?"
You have to let him know you don't like it, and then just get over it. If you stay mad, he will too.
Well, yeah, that's the other thing. I guess I hold onto stuff a lot longer than he does. Generally he moves on pretty quickly, but then we have no opportunity to talk about it, or address it. The other week he flipped out because the printer wasn't working. He was slamming parts of it down and shaking it and shouting at it. I offered him assistance and he shouted at me that I couldn't do anything to help. Then got up and went to get us both coffee and was over it, and I insisted on discussing why the eff he got so mad at a printer and then took it out on me. He got mad over the fact that I was still harping on the printer thing, but it also hurt me that he shouted at ME even though I didn't make the printer break?? And he just told me to forget it and drink my coffee. And that's how stuff escalates.
Well, yeah, that's the other thing. I guess I hold onto stuff a lot longer than he does. Generally he moves on pretty quickly, but then we have no opportunity to talk about it, or address it. The other week he flipped out because the printer wasn't working. He was slamming parts of it down and shaking it and shouting at it. I offered him assistance and he shouted at me that I couldn't do anything to help. Then got up and went to get us both coffee and was over it, and I insisted on discussing why the eff he got so mad at a printer and then took it out on me. He got mad over the fact that I was still harping on the printer thing, but it also hurt me that he shouted at ME even though I didn't make the printer break?? And he just told me to forget it and drink my coffee. And that's how stuff escalates.
See, that's silly, stop confronting him. Next time don't offer to help, just go in another room if he's yelling. He won't care.
Goes back to some fights aren't worth having when looking at the big picture. You are confident that he's the right guy for you, so it's time to let some things go. You have 2 years invested, so now is the time to see if you can tolerate what he's doing with printer for the rest of your life. Everyone has quirks, but some are more tolerable than others.
Couples fight all the time but there is a line you shouldn't cross but you did. You should never say you want to break up or divorce unless you mean it. Maybe for you it was all done in the heat of the moment but to him, the entire foundation for the relationship has been damaged because you pulled it out from under him. Who wants to get married to someone who may threaten divorce after just an argument? I totally understand his hesitation. I find it very strange you cannot see it from his point of view and question why he changed his stance. I think anyone would.
It sounds like you guys have the kinds of problems couples who have been married for 20 years have and you're not even married yet. If you guys need counseling prior to getting married, then (just my opinion) that's not a good sign. I don't think you can blame him for not being sure if he wants to marry you now. You can't blame him for wondering what happens when these problems arise again when you're married with kids. Will you get mad and show him the door again? How can he trust you to be sure that you're not going to give up again?
I think when you have communication issues and disagreements about house hold chores and such and you've been married for years then yeah you do counseling and you try hard to recover the reasons why you got married in the first place. But for this to happen after only a couple years means maybe you guys just shouldn't get married at all. Should it really be this difficult this soon?
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