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Hi everyone,
I have been in nursing school since January of last year. I have been dating this guy, J, since July of 2012, and everything was going wonderfully until after I graduated. He moved to another state with me and in May, asked my parents for permission to ask me to marry him.
After graduation, we got into a huge fight, probably over something petty, and basically I told him I wanted him out of my life. It was a lot of pent-up feelings that were never addressed at the time, mostly because he’s not really a confrontational guy, but we both had a lot of frustrations and “complaints” that were building up and it finally exploded. One of his biggest complaints about me is the fact that he often doesn’t feel like he can be himself — he’s worried about how I’m going to react to situations.
The weirdest thing is that we had a strong relationship beforehand... we loved each other, respected each other, felt that we were "soul mates." Sure, there were issues, but not issues uncommon in relationships... things that were worth overlooking because we knew we loved one another. Stuff like me getting upset over the fact that he didn't put the laundry away, kinda stuff. Or felt lazy after work and wouldn't take the dog out kinda stuff.
Anyway, in response to me kicking him out, he drove about 8 hours away and spent a few days with a friend in Atlantic City, got ridiculously drunk and went to a strip club. I’m willing to forgive and forget about that, because he was angry. The thing that hurts now, though, is that he’s not sure if he can see a future with me because of this entire scenario. He came home, we discussed EVERYTHING that bothers each of us, and since then (~2 weeks ago) our relationship has been, overall, wonderful. He still can’t commit to wanting to do this in the long-term because he’s worried that the changes he’s seeing are temporary… I’m doing my best to try to put things in perspective and have realized that the small, petty things that bother me about him aren’t worth the love I have for him and I have shown and said that in so many ways. He’s also said something to the effect of, “what if we have kids and you get mad and break up with me, leaving me with the kids?” I have already apologized for breaking it off and know that I shouldn’t have done it if I didn’t actually mean it, but what can I even do now?
After putting everything into perspective, the problems I have with him are worth working through, and he agrees, because we do love and care for one another, deeply.
I’ve already told him that I think I deserve to be with a person who knows if they want to be with me. I think after almost 2 years, it shouldn’t be a question anymore. He has said that he’s just “recovering” from being crushed by me ending things with him, but how long am I supposed to wait? I just don’t understand how one goes from wanting to marry me to not knowing if he wants to be with me forever. I’ve told him that, despite all of his flaws, I want to be with him, and I feel like I deserve someone who accepts me for who I am. What do I do? Break it off? Move out and tell him to get it together before we speak again? I can’t put myself through this.
Also, he’s leaving for NY tomorrow for five days for his sister’s graduation, and I was going to go with him. Do I tell him to go on his own and think about things?
Quite honestly, you should re-read that post for yourself.
"huge fight, probably over something petty, and basically I told him I wanted him out of my life"
"me kicking him out"
"got ridiculously drunk and went to a strip club. I’m willing to forgive and forget about that"
"I think I deserve to be with a person who knows if they want to be with me"
"He moved to another state with me and in May"
"Do I tell him to go on his own and think about things?"
Contrasted with
"he often doesn’t feel like he can be himself"
"(~2 weeks ago)"
"He has said that he’s just “recovering” from being crushed by me"
"what if we have kids and you get mad and break up with me, leaving me with the kids?"
Let me summarize, the guy moved to another state with you, you blew up and got really angry over something petty, you kicked him out despite him having nowhere to go and you've admitted above that you were in the wrong here. Now it's only two weeks later you expect him to just magically forget it because it's convenient for you.
That you're asking if he should go on his own is completely inconsiderate given that, by your own words, this is your doing.
The guy is absolutely right to be worried about his future and what would happen by having kids involved in a toxic relationship.
Quite honestly, I'd suggest you get some therapy to deal with the anger issues that you have. You're in no way ready for marriage and it would be absolutely unfair for you to bring kids up in a relationship like this. Don't believe me? Just look at your statements above. I, me, me, me, I, I deserve, i just don't understand, i deserve, etc.
The whole statement is selfish and doesn't scream that someone is ready for marriage. You had a huge first two weeks ago and now you're being mean to the guy and ditching him so he can think about things. Were it my friend, I'd have him running for the hills.
He thinks I overreact to things... he doesn't feel like he can "be himself" because he's afraid of how I am going to react. He tends to not think before he speaks, and I have called him out on it many times, which he obviously doesn't appreciate. I do agree that in the last month or so, I've been overreacting to small things. We've been attributing it to stress (i.e. graduating from school, moving to a new apartment, both starting new jobs, etc). He thinks he should be able to say anything he wants without me getting angry or upset.
Honestly, that is what he has said is the "only thing," or, at least, the big thing. I'm sure there are others; i.e. he doesn't like that I pressure him into doing stuff around the house when it needs to be done. If I ask him to help with the laundry, for instance, I want it to be done that day, he'll leave it around for 4-5 days until he's ready to do it (this is the type of stuff I'm trying to put into perspective -- it's not worth the argument).
But that's the thing... I know a few weeks certainly isn't enough time to repair a broken relationship, but we have been on the right track, and him being "unsure" didn't surface until the weekend he left.
You didn't have a strong relationship, you admitted you never addressed issues becuase of "non confrontational" perosnalities.
That isn't a strong relationship. That is a relationship built around avoidance to keep things peaceful and happy. You where both put in to a circumstance that forced you to deal with the issues that had built up, and here you are....at the truth of the matter
This is where you learn how to talk to one another or get frustrated and walk away.
Your choice.
get him on board and start learning how to communicate. Stop the lashing out
I wish I could say you guys are wrong, but you're not. I think I am being selfish. I also think that he has been selfish in the past, and I obviously didn't touch upon everything that led up to this... but, yes, probably there are bigger issues here. We're going to go to counseling, I think, after going to New York. Maybe it's salvageable, maybe it's not.
As tough as it is to swallow, I do appreciate the comments.
Good for taking the comments and counselling. It sounds like you're in too much of a rush here. Unless this is like the light in our stars movie or something then slow down. Do the counseling and you don't have to get married any time soon.
In the short term, find some stuff you hate doing and give it to him and then since you're pretty fanatical about laundry, how about you do the laundry for the two of you. Maybe he owns the lawns, kitchen, trash, cooking, etc. A counselor can work with you on that but I get the feeling that it's going to be much easier if you're fanatical about something and you take that on.
No, that wasn't why I kicked him out... it was a lot of "stuff" that lead up to that point. I can go on and on about the problems I have with him... not being supportive, not communicating with me when we DID have problems so we could've avoided it getting this bad... Maybe it's not 100% my fault, but a majority of it probably IS my fault. I accept that.
You didn't have a strong relationship, you admitted you never addressed issues becuase of "non confrontational" perosnalities.
That isn't a strong relationship. That is a relationship built around avoidance to keep things peaceful and happy. You where both put in to a circumstance that forced you to deal with the issues that had built up, and here you are....at the truth of the matter
This is where you learn how to talk to one another or get frustrated and walk away.
Your choice.
get him on board and start learning how to communicate. Stop the lashing out
Absolutely! Been there and done that and someone is left out to dry in the end and it could be you OP. Talking about issues causes a little bit of friction, but it gets both parties thoughts out in the open. Relationships are hard and not talking about problems is the quickest way to end up in this situation. Remember, if a person isn't voicing their opinion, then the other person assumes everything is good. That's a bad trap to be in. Also, pick your battles. Not all hills are worth dying on. If laundry is worth dying on than die on it; however, you can't die on the hill about toothpaste being squeezed from the top instead of the bottom. You have to pick and choose those arguments wisely.
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