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Anyone find this true? My wise BFF told me years ago that men who are meh with you (or actual jerks) suddenly become dreamboats when you decide to leave them. I find it weird because if they give you a reason to breakup why "suddenly" do they want to change things? Often there is no choice but to leave someone.
Lately I found that true and I dont like it
I was seeing a man casually who is emotionally unavailable and whether he means to or not he hurts me a lot with his wishy washy behavior. To avoid pain, I tried to end things. "Suddenly" I am awesome and he can't let me go. Guess what? NOTHING changed, not really, except for maybe a week. (I have very strong feelings for him, it isnt an emotion thing it is he isnt into me and/or bad timing. I also see no future with or without feelings. Hurt now or hurt later? That is the question). We could work on things if he were willing and perhaps I would stick around, gawd knows my heart wants to.
Now enter LDR from 1-2 years ago. We had been friends for years and then it escalated into a romance. He is a good match for me and I do see him long term/marriage good for me overall. I left him not because I didnt enjoy our mature relationship I left him because he was a bad bf over something very important (and I knew he would not be a good LT choice at that time). He didnt seem too fazed about it at the time, I suspected he dated other people, and we still talked the majority of the days of the week. He still had most of me but not my heart is perhaps his perception.
Welll.....with Mr Unavailable and a beating to my self esteem I am just sick of trying to please men who arent worth the time so i told Mr. LDR I didnt want to talk to him anymore. What do you know? Within a month he is contacting me with travel arrangements and our convos have turned into deeper talks and I think he wants to make a real go on commitment. I am open to see where this goes.
I'm annoyed we cant just be genuine and live and treat ppl well all the time OR pursue more if that is what your heart and mind want. It is hard and painful for me to leave people so giving a boomerang of false hope is just mean. Generally I am straighforward, there is not a lot of mystery with me. I also am either in all the way or not in at all after a certain point. Keeping ppl on the hook for my amusement or backup or whatever is just plain weird to me (most because I dont enjoy spending time with ppl i would be using and ones I dont care about. What a drag.)
Anyway Ladies...want to turn your man into a dream? Then leave him
I think both men and women can take advantage of the fact that they have a dedicated partner who they know is crazy about them. Then they become bored and uncaring. So when that person leaves, they realize they didn't treat them well -- or more selfishly, they are afraid of being alone. Suddenly, they become great. But if you get sucked into it, they will just get bored again and assume you are going to stick around forever.
It's important to find someone who does not have that attitude and will appreciate you for who you are...a person who won't treat you poorly because they feel they can get away with it. So no, I wouldn't say leaving the partner is really a strategy. It just means that partner was not that into you in the first place, so you should find someone who is.
It's only temporary. They take advantage of a devoted partner, and like the attention and getting whatever it is they're getting. Then when their SO prepares to leave, they wanna keep them on the hook because they have something to gain from it. So, they'll do better for a while, then drop the bottom out again.
I know of a guy like that. I talk to the girl online. She's a booty call to a guy with a SO already. He is very off-handed with her, only contacts her when he wants to hook up. She hates being used, but can't stay away from him. But when she threatens to leave, or see someone else, she says he acts upset in person, then she breaks down and stays. Then he goes right back to his girlfriend and ignores her until he wants more sex again. Nothing changes. When she tries breaking it off with him through messages, he either doesn't reply, or just says "ok." But sure enough he'll message and nag her again until she gives sex.
So, some people are just jerks. They may like sex, or attention and will use a devoted partner. but they don't really care for them--just keeping them around for good use. Like a toy they don't wanna share. And because the devoted one sticks around, or keeps coming back despite less than great treatment, they lose respect and see their devoted partner as a pathetic doormat.
The guy in the example. Recently asked his mistress to come to his place and take her clothes off for him and his friends. She was very offended, and treats her like a sex toy. But she sticks around, and he knows she will. So, he knows he can do whatever he wants with her, and she'll pout and complain, but never leave. So I imagine his respect for her isn't too high.
Some may genuinely regret and get their act together. Others are like what I mentioned. Do just the bare minimum to keep you around for their own benefit.
No, I never turned into a dreamboat when an ex decided it was time to end things. If she wanted to end it, then we parted ways. Same went for me: If I felt like a break up was the best action, we broke up and went out separate ways, I never turned into something else because I wasn't going to have her as a GF anymore.
If somebody doesn't love you, up and leaving won't make them love you. At most, it might make them panic if you are serving some purpose in their life and they accordingly would rather you be in it than not, and continue serving that purpose.
But, no, that's not somebody loving you. That's somebody using you.
While we were dating, my husband and I were in an LDR for 2 years, and had been drifting apart.
He mailed me a valentine, but the message had a decidedly "you will always be a treasured memory, I will always remember our good times, goodbye" tone to it.
It scared the crap out of me, thinking that he would actually not always be there. I got on the phone immediately and began pursuing him again.
They only THINK they love you when you leave. If you come back, it's just more of the same, maybe worse. If you've made up your mind, man or woman, don't look back. You'll be turned into a pillar of salt!
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