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Their relationship has nothing to do with our relationship. If he refuses to associate with his mom then no mother in law.
I've kinda swayed both ways in this dimension of thinking.
Through and through, from my own personal experiences, I found this to be true (and maybe denial was my defense mechanism was to 'hope' and think otherwise): The way a person treats their mom is very indicative of how they will treat you.
Think about it: your mother gave birth to you. She may have been a demon, monster, druggie, messed up person, but the amount of resentment or lack of resentment, or love a person has for their primary caregivers is indicative of how you will be treated.
The closest relationship someone has with their immediate family is their parents, the closest bonding experience they know through their youngest years of attachment (even if adopted).
Check out attachment styles online, anything referenced with a .edu should give you some actual statistics and data on how people's primary caregiver relationship affects how the individual relates to the world, and their closest relationships.
The way the guy treats other people, period, indicates how they will probably treat their partner as well. It's difficult to picture someone who compartmentalizes their life so that they treat some people like dirt, and yet others with the utmost respect.
In the case of cutting ties with a parent to end a dysfunctional relationship, some people do that, and they're healthier and have healthier relationships for it. But that's not the same as treating someone else with disrespect. Those two situations really aren't the same thing.
If he flat out treats his mother badly, though, it likely means a couple of things. First, he's too immature and dysfunctional himself to just maintain distance from her and get counselling for his emotional issues. Secondly, he's basically an insecure coward, like all men who act abusively towards women (or towards kids). Men who act abusively towards women do it because they want to target someone who is physically in a weaker position and unable to fight back. It isn't something that a true tough guy would do. Just a sign that he's psychologically weak and has a desperate need to pretend that he's tough.
The way the guy treats other people, period, indicates how they will probably treat their partner as well. It's difficult to picture someone who compartmentalizes their life so that they treat some people like dirt, and yet others with the utmost respect.
In the case of cutting ties with a parent to end a dysfunctional relationship, some people do that, and they're healthier and have healthier relationships for it. But that's not the same as treating someone else with disrespect. Those two situations really aren't the same thing.
If he flat out treats his mother badly, though, it likely means a couple of things. First, he's too immature and dysfunctional himself to just maintain distance from her and get counselling for his emotional issues. Secondly, he's basically an insecure coward, like all men who act abusively towards women (or towards kids). Men who act abusively towards women do it because they want to target someone who is physically in a weaker position and unable to fight back. It isn't something that a true tough guy would do. Just a sign that he's psychologically weak and has a desperate need to pretend that he's tough.
Generally speaking, I would imagine that his mom is his first experience in dealing with, establishing an opinion of, and relationship with, the opposite sex. So if his first experience is treating that person poorly, it would be bound to.... shade... future relationships.
Sure, there are a lot of exceptions to that, but to disregard it out of hand seems irresponsible.
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Their relationship has nothing to do with our relationship. If he refuses to associate with his mom then no mother in law.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeganNYC
You don't know his motives for treating his mom that way. I dated a guy who didn't talk to his mom due to her remarriage and it was fine.
how a man treats his mother tells you volumes on how he will treat you in the future. if a man wont speak to his mother for remarrying, how will he react to you when you do or say something he doesnt like? are you going to have to tread on eggshells around him?
...this is an addage that I can't really agree with worth anything. For example, my mother has basically no relationship with either me or my sister due to a divorce and her basically avoiding us. Both my sister and myself have tried and gone above and beyond...but everybody has a breaking point. If that somehow makes me a bad person based on the logic that I have a non-existent relationship with my mother over things beyond my control, then I don't think I would want to date somebody who's that closed-off to reality and completely backwards with idealistic thinking.
...a bad person is a bad person, and that trumps all other issues. I'd be a complete idiot to go out of my way in my situation and have never treated any of the women that I have dated poorly. Times change, circumstances change, and people deal with it accordingly. Not everything can be fairy tales and perfection.
...this is an addage that I can't really agree with worth anything. For example, my mother has basically no relationship with either me or my sister due to a divorce and her basically avoiding us. Both my sister and myself have tried and gone above and beyond...but everybody has a breaking point. If that somehow makes me a bad person based on the logic that I have a non-existent relationship with my mother over things beyond my control, then I don't think I would want to date somebody who's that closed-off to reality and completely backwards with idealistic thinking.
...a bad person is a bad person, and that trumps all other issues. I'd be a complete idiot to go out of my way in my situation and have never treated any of the women that I have dated poorly. Times change, circumstances change, and people deal with it accordingly. Not everything can be fairy tales and perfection.
in your case its your mother avoiding you, not you avoiding her.
Yeah...but I want to play devil's advocate with this to prove a point. Again, the issue isn't really with me, but I'm naturally resentful and can't say anything positive about her post divorce because there's honestly not anything positive to say if I'm to be truthful. I can say that she was a great mother while raising me and growing up, but overall a pretty horrible person in the end. Sadly, I have a good relationship with my father's girlfriend...but I'm through with trying with my own mother until something happens from her end.
...I'm 28 and successful with my life and career, and have done a lot with my time. I work with intervention programs for kids within my school district dealing with family problems, mostly due to my experiences weighing in, and I don't think I've ever had a person question my motives or integrity as a good person. My situation happened at age 20 onward, so I was already developing as an adult...but it's besides the point.
You honestly can't use this label on a guy without knowing who is at fault or why he is the way that he is...no human being, especially parents, should ever be positioned above their actions; especially in today's world, it wouldn't be healthy practice. Showing emotion towards another human being is a part of life...and that encompasses all emotions.
...judge a guy on how he treats women in general who are close to him. A guy or girl can technically hate his/her mother or anybody else in their life with a passion depending on the situation...that's reality spesking and sometimes it's warrented.
You also can end up with a guy who uses his relationship as therapy and a way of proving that his issues with his mother are past him. What if he appreciates his partner and makes it a point to show everybody around him that he values her for being there?
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