Married to older man with no possibility of children

[trishguard]

Originally Posted by 1w0n

Wanting children is natural, however, please listen to my story, my parents had a huge age difference. By the time my parents had me, my dad was 45 and my mother just turned 21. Here is the problem. By the time I was playing sports, he was say close to 60. Since my mom was the one who took me to practices, they saw her being 33, just like most of their mothers. When my dad went to my games, everyone thought he was my grandfather. It wasn't just that, at that age he wasn't really into playing catch, etc.....so I didn't have that with him. He made up for that in other ways, but it's tough for an elderly person to keep up with kids. Your husband will be in his 70's by the time kids would be teens, thats way too old for him to deal with it. They would be his kids, not like what most 70 year olds would have with grand children. Grand children can be handed back to the parents...huge difference.

This is not a good reason to forgo having children. Do you wish you were never born because your dad was an older man? Does your life have less meaning?

[1w0n]

You know too many people place too much emphasis on having children. Is it to have a legacy? Maybe they feel with children, their spirit will forever live? I don't know why, but imo, you can almost get the same satisfaction, being a good aunt, or volunteering, or doing foster care. Why don't you do foster care, or sponsor an international student for the local university. If you have a child now, your hubby will be so much older, at graduation he will be 80 years old. If you love the man, don't put him through the rigors of having a child, and raising them. He already has experience having children, and it ended up being negative...having one at this point in his life, is going to make him bitter. Think about this, in 10 years, your hubby will be nearing 70, the two of you better think about enjoying some retirement life. Go travelling, do things together, because if you don't you will wish you had. I don't mean 1 week vacations, I mean going to Europe, or Asia for a month or two. Experience the cultures, those are the memories that will be important to you when he dies. If you have a kid, may as well forget about enjoying those vacations, for another 18-25 years, and your hubby doesn't have that luxury.

Having kids is much tougher than it seems, most parents will say it's a dream, but internally, they wish they never had them. I'm not saying most, but I guarantee, the ones who raised a child only to see them go to jail, or get pregnant. Those who stayed up all night hoping the police don't call because their daughter was raped, only to have her sneak back, and lie right to their face. Those parents will say behind closed doors, that they wish they didn't have kids. I have heard it before...I mean, you say you are so hot, I would imagine your kid will be attractive...if it's a girl, and she hangs out with the wrong crowd, she could give you sleepless nights for a long time...you think at 70 your hubby deserves that?

Go to a big city, and pay attention to parents, interacting with their kids. Do you see how disrespectful their kids are? I know, people will say, that would never happen to me, yeah, I bet they have that perfect little soldier at home, who never talks back, or lies,lol yeah. I'll be the politically incorrect person here to say what many think...Kids are not worth the risk, with the way both parents work, leaving relatives, nannies, baby sitters, etc ....in charge of raising them. People with no real long term investment to make them do the right things, children are being raised by individuals who aren't fit to be role models....you think that little Tammy from down the street doesn't bring her boyfriend to the house to have fun with? LOL, she sure does especially when it's the only place she can do that, without being hassled, or interrupted. Trust me, I did it to a few back in high school, baby sitting girls always had a place to have fun...always.

[DaniellaG]

I think they may offer therapy online but it would be by Skype I think. In my opinion it would not be as productive as face to face in person. I think many people have the concern of opening up and being judged but therapists are not there to judge but to support and guide you. Trust me most therapists have heard it all and also things will be kept confidential. Part of therapy often is feel uncomfortable but in the long run will help you to feel better.
No one here can tell you what to do. Do you feel if you don't have kids you will have resentment in years to come towards your husband? Do you feel if you left your husband you would try to find another man to have a family with?

[SinncerelyYours]

Thanks to those that took the time to read and respond. It's given me a lot to think about even though there really isn't any decision to make. I forgave him and should have let it end there. I can't say I will never have regrets. There will probably always be a little regret where children are concerned but I won't hold that against him or resent him for it. It's normal for people to have a few regrets in life. I am thankful I only have one.

And I haven't been the easiest person to live with. There were a lot of past issues that had a negative affect on my thoughts and behavior. The first 5 yrs or so was a roller coaster of intense ups and downs. My emotions were all over the place and I made his life hell when I found out. Yet he stayed when most would have left. He's no angel, neither am I, but he has helped me become a better person. He's understands me even as I confuse myself. It's difficult for me to express my feelings/find the right words. I often speak without thinking and frequently put my foot in my mouth resulting in the wrong impression or worst, conveying the opposite of what I intended. But he gets me! If you knew me you'd understand why this is such a big deal. And on top of that he has never judged me for my past.

I re-read my OP and you're right, I did sound conceited/vain. I'm not but I get why that's hard to believe given what I posted. I also contradicted myself.

If I could I would delete the parts containing our description. And I did not mean to imply my husband is ugly. He certainly isn't. However, he's not in the best shape. But I love every part of him inside and out. I wouldn't change a thing. I tell him this everytime he complains about not being able to lose weight. Maybe that's why he complains because he knows what I'll say and he knows me enough to know I mean it.

I was too intent on explaining why people jump to conclusions but then said we don't let judgemental people bother us. The truth is it doesn't bother him. It literally goes over his head but I hear everything and tend to take it personally. I didn't let it stop us from getting married but it does bother me which is probably why I am uncomfortable around strangers. I rarely go anywhere outside of work and home. I hate feeling eyes on me and being the subject of their crude jokes or stupid presumptions - easier to avoid it all by keeping to myself. Another reason why I don't have friends though I am not unhappy about this.

I read this forum a lot even before my first post because I am interested in real life situations and the different ways people handle them. Some of the topics I've read are enlightening, inspiring, entertaining, depressing and some hit close to home. There has been many that I wanted to respond to but didn't. I guess it's sort of a social outlet for me, the only one I'm comfortable saying the things I did because I'm hidden behind a monitor.

[DR2012]

Yeah, your looks, his looks, how you got into school and what you have doesn't matter. That is unnecessary info and I'm not sure why you felt the need to include it. The main thing is - can you live your life without a child of your own, or not? And does that need trump your marriage, or not? You say you have forgiven him - OK, that is something. But, you have to consider your needs. If you need a child that badly, there's resentment that can grow later, as time passes. What will that bring?

I do see others points, about him not wanting to be an elderly father. I do not want to parent, either, so it may be easy to see his side - therefore I will try to see it both ways. The other poster's points I agree with - so many people want kids because they think they should, it's what you do, it's cute, they just "want" a kid, etc. There are other ways to have children in your life, because if you really do want that unselfishly, it shouldn't matter if it comes from your body and DNA or not. You may have already thought about this and know this. Nieces, nephews, volunteering, big brother and big sister programs help to give you a way to have children in your life. A lot of people say, "it's not the same" and to those I wonder if they don't want kids for wrong, selfish reasons.

However, I see the other side. There is nothing wrong with wanting a child of your own, and what it boils down to is, you have to decide whether this need is going to be more important than your marriage. He did lie, manipulate. You and you alone (perhaps with the help of counseling) will have to make this decision, do you want to leave and take a chance of finding someone else that will make you a mother. Or do you stay with him... and risk that resentment, and hope that you will be at peace with not ever being a parent. You could always leave, adopt as a single mother, or if he passes adopt as a single mother and hope you aren't too old to be considered.

Whatever you do, it's a risk. You could leave him for the thought of a child that doesn't even yet exist, and it may not be the fantasy it is in your mind. You could regret it. You may or may not find another man, (or you could and that marriage could have it's own problems, or end in divorce) or you could stay and you end up regretting not trying to find the family you desire. It's a big decision. In the end the past of your school and your finances and your looks, and his, all that doesn't really mean a thing - it boils down to, IMO, what you are willing to live with, and what you are willing to take a chance on - and which regret you could handle living with the most.

[rbohm]

OP, understand this, you husband recognizes his limitations as a father. granted he supported his daughter through the age of 18, but he has raised his child, and now he wants to share his life with one person, you.

and at the age of 36, are you really sure that you want to deal with 2am feedings? changing dirty diapers? taking the kids to the doctor? remember that in 15 years you will be 51, your hubby will be 75!!! are you really going to want a teenager around?

[Minethatbird]

Originally Posted by Chowhound

Here....

I'm gonna sound like a dick... and I'm one of the more reasonable guys here... but what the F was a woman thinking marrying a man that much older...I mean it isn't rocket science that a 60 yr old dude isn't really gonna be down with having more kids.....am I way off base here????????

I mean.. doesn't she have to take some level of responsibility for that part of it... it's like hanging with dogs and wondering how the hell you got fleas.... you follow???

Personal responsibility has left the ****ing blding these days......

There are some 60 year old men that would have more kids, though not very many. I get the impression this man convinced the original poster he was one of those few. To put it bluntly, he lied. The OP should have walked immediately upon learning this.