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I think it's mostly due to my upbringing that I have strong reservations about someone who drinks often, has to have a drink with them when they are having dinner or drinks many times during the weekday to 'unwind'.
I grew up with limited alcohol in my household. I didn't try alcohol until I was 17. I think there was a negative view of it because my grandfather was a gambler and alcoholic and much of my family says I take the mannerisms of him so they didn't want me to do that.
With that said in college I drank a bit, very conservatively. I didn't mind throwing down once in a while but I didn't really get 'off' to it so I didn't see the big deal in it an why it was glorified so much.
I work out and personal health is my priority. I see my peers that are in their late 20s/early 30s and I can say I peaked out later in life, but I took care of myself.
Fast forward to dating. I've dated women that hardly would touch a drink, but I've been involved with a few that 'unwind' to drink often. Say they go have dinner on Sunday, they go to a Happy Hour on Tuesday or Wednesday. Then you have the weekend where they may drink.
Females I've known keeping a case or two of beer at home. I'm not used to that. I may keep a bottle of wine and that's for decoration lol but as far as drinking a lot, I don't do it. I may ever now and then but for some reason if I see a woman having several drinks it makes me question them. I see alcohol differently.
Am I justified in seeing it as a red flag or do I need to chill out?
It's not necessarily a red flag, but it does show that you have differing opinions about alcohol. That can be problematic, especially if you become more serious to the point where you are thinking marriage/children.
I agree that it is more of an issue of values and expectations. I'm a tee totaler. Like you, if I buy wine it is for decoration.
When I have dated people in the past who enjoyed the bar scene or drank it later became a point of contention for us. So I think you're totally justified in wanting to find a partner with similar values. Nothing wrong with that!!
It's (maybe) not a problem how often they drink - a glass of wine or beer with every dinner is OK, but a bottle of wine or case of beer every day is not.
Keeping alcohol at home is not a red flag either. People can have a wine cellar or well stocked bar, and not get drunk every day.
I think the most important thing is to observe drinking habits as a combination of: how often, how much AND if they actually get drunk. Do they need drink to relax and have fun, or "solve" problems? Can they also function without it? Their behavior when drunk (aggressive, emotional?), drinking and driving? Denial? Secret drinking? Annoyance with criticisms about drinking. Blacking out (not to confuse with passing out)?
What about obvious hung over, rumpled suit, reeking of alcohol, falling asleep in public, slurring, and so on.
All of the above are Red Flags to me.
It's (maybe) not a problem how often they drink - a glass of wine or beer with every dinner is OK, but a bottle of wine or case of beer every day is not.
Keeping alcohol at home is not a red flag either. People can have a wine cellar or well stocked bar, and not get drunk every day.
I think the most important thing is to observe drinking habits as a combination of: how often, how much AND if they actually get drunk. Do they need drink to relax and have fun, or "solve" problems? Can they also function without it? Their behavior when drunk (aggressive, emotional?), drinking and driving? Denial? Secret drinking? Annoyance with criticisms about drinking. Blacking out (not to confuse with passing out)?
What about obvious hung over, rumpled suit, reeking of alcohol, falling asleep in public, slurring, and so on.
All of the above are a Red Flag to me.
Thank you!
Just stating in general whether going out to drink or drinking at home.
I've dated a girl that would maybe have a drink when she would go out and want to drink wine with a meal, but it was light. Still I had to adjust to it.
Her mother was an alcoholic.
I've dated girls that would drink 0-1 drinks when we were out. I tend to mirror the person I'm with. I have friends that are coupled and their outing is getting ****faced and having late night dinner.
A girl I recently dated would have drinks at home, asked me if I have any alcohol. Something notably she said "It doesn't matter, beer or wine". Not get drunk but would have perhaps 2-3 drinks in a sitting I would say three, maybe four times a week.
She has a tendency to get depressed and has admitted that she has used drinking and 'going out' in the past as a way to destress. That does bother me and concern me.
Thanks for your help. I'm just trying to improve my relationships!
It sounds like you are on the right track.
Heck, I don't drink much, but I do enjoy a good beer or some wine occasionally. I wouldn't want to be with someone who I make uncomfortable by doing it. It's the same thing with you; given your history and they way you were raised, it's something that you believe in, and it makes you feel uncomfortable. Much better for you to be with someone who has similar views. Plus, it's very cool that you stick to your convictions!
when people start drinking more than a moderate amount of alcohol per week, they are doing what is known as self medicating. they are using the alcohol to ease symptoms of something that is bothering them, but they havent had anyone to help carry the load as it were.
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She has a tendency to get depressed and has admitted that she has used drinking and 'going out' in the past as a way to destress. That does bother me and concern me.
case in point. and it should concern you because it can lead to heavier drinking and alcoholism.
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