Is Monogamy Really For You? (long-term, how to, guys, loving)
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Oh, I'll be the first one to say our marriage is not the norm and that it's not for everyone. I do tend to argue when someone pontificates that my marriage isn't real or we don't love one another or shouldn't have gotten married or whatever, and maybe I sound preachy. I also believe that honest communication and letting go of possessiveness and jealousy would do some ailing couples some good--I mean, look at all the threads where someone is aggrieved over porn or looking at other people or flirting.
I don't think you EVER sound preachy!
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We live in a straight-laced area, and so we keep that aspect of our lives very private. One of our neighbors already doesn't like us because we politely declined going to her church. I cannot imagine the judgy horror coming from the PTA set if they knew. Then again, when I got a new doctor and gave full disclosure, he told me I'd be surprised at how many others there are around here.
I prefer monogamy... but I've accepted the reality that with what I want from a man, chances are, it might not happen.
I just want a casual relationship. See a man a few times a month, have fun, date, have sex, etc. I don't want to be the #1 priority in his life because right not, I can't offer that to any man. I don't want a super serious relationship. I am not looking for a potential husband. I just want a companion to share some of life's moments with and do fun things with. Maybe in time I might want more, but right now... I just want to date and maybe, at best, be someone's girlfriend.
Having said that, from what I've read here, most men wouldn't be satisfied with that. They say if they only see a woman 3-4 times a month, they need more. So In that regard, I might need to make the sacrifice and realize that he might not be only dating me (even if I prefer him too).
But MY reality has been, ever man I've dated, hasn't really had other options like the guys here have. The man I am dating now (been on three dates with at this point) hasn't had a date other than me in over a year. The man I dated before him had not had a date or sex in eight years.
But no matter what a man I date does or doesn't do, I am not the type to sleep with more than one man at a time. Just not my thing.
3-4 times a month I would be looking for someone else. I see my GF at least every other day. There will maybe be only 2 days a week we don't see each other. Even if we are really busy we will make time to "knock boots" lol. Its really not that big of a time commitment to keep a man if that's what you really want.
Mod cut: orphaned (referenced posts have been deleted).
Open/poly/nonmonogamous relationships only happen if all parties want them to happen. Nobody is going behind anybody's back, nobody is cheating, and there is no need for anybody to express their embarrassment through firearms.
Everyone should _consider_ it for sure. But for most their conclusion after consideration will be that it is not for them.
Monogamy and open relationship are only two points on a continuum also. It is not either or. There are many options in between too. For example one can be entirely committed to a relationship - not just a person. I am in a relationship with two girls in what we jokingly call a "truple" rather than a couple - and we are entirely committed in full fidelity _to that relationship_ and hence to each other. So technically we are not monogamous but nor are we "open" in the sense most people mean it either.
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Originally Posted by burgler09
Not a chance in hell, and if a girlfriend of mine even suggested something like that I'd dump her.
I would be sad to be in a relationship like the one you describe where I had to watch what I even dared suggest.
The perfect relationship for me is one where anyone can freely and openly suggest or ask anything - but accept it when the answer is no.
The idea that someone might not even _ask_ me because of fear of being dumped for merely exploring conversation with me - makes me feel the need to take a shower. I am glad I am not such a person.
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Originally Posted by Fragments
Good luck finding a guy that will marry you under these terms. Because it's not going to happen
And you know this - how exactly? Many people are in exactly those kind of relationships. So the prediction than any one person will not end up in such a one is pretty baseless from you.
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Originally Posted by weezerfan84
Trust is the number 1 thing you need to make an open relationship work, quickly followed by communication.
Funny I always list the same two but the other way around. Communication has always been number 1 for me - because trust flows from it. I have seen people with oodles of trust but poor communication however. Communication breeds trust - a lot more often in my personal experience - that trust breeds communication.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Originally Posted by monumentus
Monogamy and open relationship are only two points on a continuum also. It is not either or. There are many options in between too. For example one can be entirely committed to a relationship - not just a person. I am in a relationship with two girls in what we jokingly call a "truple" rather than a couple - and we are entirely committed in full fidelity _to that relationship_ and hence to each other. So technically we are not monogamous but nor are we "open" in the sense most people mean it either.
Ha, new term to me. Generally I hear it called a triad.
3-4 times a month I would be looking for someone else. I see my GF at least every other day. There will maybe be only 2 days a week we don't see each other. Even if we are really busy we will make time to "knock boots" lol. Its really not that big of a time commitment to keep a man if that's what you really want.
That might work for two people without kids, but I have other obligations right now, namely a young child. I can't see someone every other day because I need to work, pick up my child from school, cook dinner, make sure homework gets done (this is more during the school year), and later enforce bedtime, etc. As it is right now, my day starts at 6am and I am finally able to sit down and have "me time" at around 9pm.
And when I do go out, sitters cost $20 an hour in my area. So I prefer to date when she's with her dad, which is every other weekend in the school year (or 3-4 days a month). We are supposed to have 50/50 joint custody, but because he moved away, it's impractical for him to take her in his time and take her to school. I bring that up before anyone chimes in with some remark about not sharing custody... we do.
Overall, my daughter is a priority over any random guy I am dating. I don't want to bring a string of men into my home-- a new guy every week. She had that issue at her dad's and his boyfriends and it effects her negatively (he's finally settled on one guy though).
The only way it would "work" is if I dated him long enough to know he's not going anywhere. But even then, what guy really wants a date that will consist of him sitting on my couch while I sit there and explain math homework and check it, clean up dirty dishes, and do other "motherly things" etc. Maybe a guy with kids too might be open to a date where we do things with the kids. But even then, it's hard to pull off on a school night.
In the summer, I have more time because her dad can take her and use his parenting time. But even then, in the summer it's week on, week off. So I *can* see someone every day then, but then not for a full week... again, unless I pay $20 an hour for a sitter. Summer only lasts two months around here (school schedule-wise). My ex threw a monkey wrench in my summer dating this year... he's out of town for a month and not taking our daughter. So I can't really go out the next few weeks very easily.
Luckily, most men I meet are in the same boat. Even the serious, "marriage-minded" ones only have time once or twice a week due to their own work and family obligations. They often have older kids, but that doesn't make it any less work (just means they don't have to hire a sitter). It's one of the reasons, when doing OLD I look for men who have kids who live with them. They understand more than the men without kids. I think it's no coindecince that the man I dated recently (who is now an empty nester as his son went to college) expected me to call and text him several times a day and got upset when I didn't. It seems like he doesn't know what to do with himself.
I don't really understand how open relationships work. I don't think it would work for me. I don't think I could have strong feeling for more than one person at a time. A lot of the posts suggest that it's only about sex. I think if I got physical with someone I would naturally get attached to them. Especially if it was a repeat experience. I guess that makes me monogamous?
One time I was dating a guy that I was crazy about, but it turned into a long distance relationship. (I was home for school break when we met, so I knew it could never get too serious...except then it did). After I had been back at school several months, a guy that I had only ever been friends with started catching my attention. I struggled with that like CRAZY. Couldn't keep the emotions straight. Couldn't like them both at the same time. I kissed the friend once, and it made me insane. But I guess in that case, it was "cheating" (although innocently) and not open from the outset. Maybe that's why the emotional roller coaster? That whole thing sucked. Makes me doubt my ability to ever juggle two people, emotionally or sexually. And that was only a kiss!!
I don't really understand how open relationships work. I don't think it would work for me. I don't think I could have strong feeling for more than one person at a time. A lot of the posts suggest that it's only about sex. I think if I got physical with someone I would naturally get attached to them. Especially if it was a repeat experience. I guess that makes me monogamous?
One time I was dating a guy that I was crazy about, but it turned into a long distance relationship. (I was home for school break when we met, so I knew it could never get too serious...except then it did). After I had been back at school several months, a guy that I had only ever been friends with started catching my attention. I struggled with that like CRAZY. Couldn't keep the emotions straight. Couldn't like them both at the same time. I kissed the friend once, and it made me insane. But I guess in that case, it was "cheating" (although innocently) and not open from the outset. Maybe that's why the emotional roller coaster? That whole thing sucked. Makes me doubt my ability to ever juggle two people, emotionally or sexually. And that was only a kiss!!
No, if you are involved with multiple people and falling in love with all of them, that's polyamory, not monogamy.
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