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Ok, let me start by mentioning I've lurked on this board, and have seen this as a "defense mechanism" in posts several times. Oftentimes it's used because the person it is targeted as is deemed as too clingy for one reason or another. For example, going on trips with someone other than your significant other. While a person may be needy in some cases, in other cases, there's legitimate reason why a someone would have a problem with a significant other going out with a particular person, if there are indications they're more than friends. Yet this defense anyway, as if the offended person's feelings don't matter and aren't a consideration.
Herein lies the problem. Why would one jump to this defense so quickly? That one can do what they want, whenever, and whatever reason and tough if the significant other don't like it? It's not always about neediness and insecurity. The other person may not want to "own" their significant other, but feel such a response/reaction from the significant other makes them feel of little importance, or not needed, especially if overused. (And in that case, it would make one would seem better off without a significant other altogether.) No one wants to de dictated, but does one not realize how selfish this defense can come across?
Some people come on here and act like it is a crime if the significant other even has a friend of the opposite sex. On the flip side, others seem to not see a problem if someone's SO takes a weekend trip with a "friend" to a romantic destination.
The devil is in the details, and the real answer is somewhere in the middle. Couples need to establish their expectations for their social lives and be ok with each others expectations. Then, they need to remain within the expected boundaries and avoid situations which would cross them.
The forum is good at finding the extremes of those kinds of boundaries but in the middle, couples just need to establish their own.
it really depends on the core reason you don't like this.
Is it because you are finding out at the last minute?
That you don't like this person, because ?
Is this person the opposite sex?
without more details, your situation can be viewed so many ways.
Ok, let me start by mentioning I've lurked on this board, and have seen this as a "defense mechanism" in posts several times. Oftentimes it's used because the person it is targeted as is deemed as too clingy for one reason or another. For example, going on trips with someone other than your significant other. While a person may be needy in some cases, in other cases, there's legitimate reason why a someone would have a problem with a significant other going out with a particular person, if there are indications they're more than friends. Yet this defense anyway, as if the offended person's feelings don't matter and aren't a consideration.
Herein lies the problem. Why would one jump to this defense so quickly? That one can do what they want, whenever, and whatever reason and tough if the significant other don't like it? It's not always about neediness and insecurity. The other person may not want to "own" their significant other, but feel such a response/reaction from the significant other makes them feel of little importance, or not needed, especially if overused. (And in that case, it would make one would seem better off without a significant other altogether.) No one wants to de dictated, but does one not realize how selfish this defense can come across?
This is why I always claim supreme responsibility for anything that happens to me. I never point fingers saying its the other persons fault. What happens is my fate. I should own up and get things straight for myself. I Avoid playing the immature "he started it" games. If anything undesirable happens, I don't look into the past and pursue the perpetrator. Rather, I think forward and see how I can get back on track. I take up the responsibility of being sacrificed.
Last edited by Adi from the Brunswicks; 07-10-2014 at 09:39 PM..
Ok, let me start by mentioning I've lurked on this board, and have seen this as a "defense mechanism" in posts several times. Oftentimes it's used because the person it is targeted as is deemed as too clingy for one reason or another. For example, going on trips with someone other than your significant other. While a person may be needy in some cases, in other cases, there's legitimate reason why a someone would have a problem with a significant other going out with a particular person, if there are indications they're more than friends. Yet this defense anyway, as if the offended person's feelings don't matter and aren't a consideration.
Herein lies the problem. Why would one jump to this defense so quickly? That one can do what they want, whenever, and whatever reason and tough if the significant other don't like it? It's not always about neediness and insecurity. The other person may not want to "own" their significant other, but feel such a response/reaction from the significant other makes them feel of little importance, or not needed, especially if overused. (And in that case, it would make one would seem better off without a significant other altogether.) No one wants to de dictated, but does one not realize how selfish this defense can come across?
I think certain boundaries need to be respected, and sometimes people forget about the golden rule: do unto others as you would do unto your own self.
And, the other version of the golden rule: do not do unto others as you would not do unto yourself.
I think the minute people cross the line is when their denial system kicks in and they seem to not care about how their actions drive the person who cares more to come here to ask a question about their relationship, because obviously, if they were happy, they wouldn't be here.
Most times we're hearing just one side of the story. We don't really know the truth, and in defense to the OP, I think most times the human mind likes to make snap judgments without really listening to the underlying problem and people are apt to judge the other person more easily? When they're the ones obviously hurt, or has the short end of the stick, which of course, they can pull themselves out of too by breaking up. And, sometimes, tough love is a part of the process (evidently). I mean, on some level, we all have our own biases.
I think part of being in a serious relationship/living together/being married is that you sort of DO "own" some part of another person. It's the different between being a couple and being two people who know each other.
That doesn't mean there aren't some crazy possessive people out there because there are, but you CAN NOT claim that being part of a couple doesn't change your other relationships with members of the opposite sex. IT TOTALLY DOES.
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