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Old 07-11-2014, 06:55 AM
 
Location: Birmingham, AL
87 posts, read 116,240 times
Reputation: 87

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Was anyone else raised like this? I was raised to always think of myself as a strong, independent woman, and to not feel like I "need" a man for anything. Sage advice, of course, but now it's like those words are working against me.


I'm almost in my 30s (I'm 29), and honestly it feels so hard to change that way of thinking. I'm now in a position - geographically, emotionally, financially, etc. - to open myself to a relationship, but I still feel a deep sense of shame about even considering the possibility, and thus I hesitate a lot. I feel really ashamed, I feel like this makes me a weak human being, and then.....what if I put myself out there and a guy I like isn't interested in me, then that just illustrates why I shouldn't have even gone "there" in the first place. I have those quintessential 'needs/desires' I suppose that the majority of people have, if you will, and honestly I've been holding them all in for years now.....I am not the type who wants to address those feelings by sleeping around, so it seems that the logical way to handle that would be to have an ongoing relationship of some sort with one person. But still - I feel so ashamed!


I live overseas and invited a friend to come visit. At first she balked, and then said ok, it sounds like a good idea...in fact, I should invite so-and-so, because, you know, - and then she dropped her voice - she wants to get....married. She practically spat the word out in disgust. I can't even describe how she said it...like in a "tsk, tsk" sort of way, very conscending, and in a tone that I just have always hoped, since I was a child, would never be used when my name was involved. Then - lastly - I'm quite shy, to boot, and reserved, which probably doesn't help. But then I feel like I am wasting my prime dating years because of feeling ashamed.

I can't be the only person to feel this way....right.....
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Old 07-11-2014, 06:57 AM
 
9,415 posts, read 10,009,263 times
Reputation: 20092
I've never in my entire life met someone who thinks like you. Ever.
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Old 07-11-2014, 06:59 AM
 
26,749 posts, read 16,827,746 times
Reputation: 23873
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
I've never in my entire life met someone who thinks like you. Ever.

Cosigned.
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Old 07-11-2014, 06:59 AM
 
4,230 posts, read 5,153,607 times
Reputation: 5259
Quote:
Originally Posted by Breeon_RM View Post
Was anyone else raised like this? I was raised to always think of myself as a strong, independent woman, and to not feel like I "need" a man for anything. Sage advice, of course, but now it's like those words are working against me.


I'm almost in my 30s (I'm 29), and honestly it feels so hard to change that way of thinking. I'm now in a position - geographically, emotionally, financially, etc. - to open myself to a relationship, but I still feel a deep sense of shame about even considering the possibility, and thus I hesitate a lot. I feel really ashamed, I feel like this makes me a weak human being, and then.....what if I put myself out there and a guy I like isn't interested in me, then that just illustrates why I shouldn't have even gone "there" in the first place. I have those quintessential 'needs/desires' I suppose that the majority of people have, if you will, and honestly I've been holding them all in for years now.....I am not the type who wants to address those feelings by sleeping around, so it seems that the logical way to handle that would be to have an ongoing relationship of some sort with one person. But still - I feel so ashamed!


I live overseas and invited a friend to come visit. At first she balked, and then said ok, it sounds like a good idea...in fact, I should invite so-and-so, because, you know, - and then she dropped her voice - she wants to get....married. She practically spat the word out in disgust. I can't even describe how she said it...like in a "tsk, tsk" sort of way, very conscending, and in a tone that I just have always hoped, since I was a child, would never be used when my name was involved. Then - lastly - I'm quite shy, to boot, and reserved, which probably doesn't help. But then I feel like I am wasting my prime dating years because of feeling ashamed.

I can't be the only person to feel this way....right.....
Yes. I was raised this way too. My parents taught me to prioritize school and career over anything else. Which is why I don't want to get married or have kids.

I have had a lot of great relationships, buy always prioritized school and career.

I have been conditioned to think people are fickle and therefore not to waste time on things like "love".

It has made me hide strong feelings and to not partake in PDA or to be ashamed of being overly emotional or attached to anyone.
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:06 AM
 
26,749 posts, read 16,827,746 times
Reputation: 23873
Quote:
Originally Posted by findly185 View Post
Yes. I was raised this way too. My parents taught me to prioritize school and career over anything else. Which is why I don't want to get married or have kids.

So did mine (my mother especially), and so do lots of people, but manifesting it to such an extreme isn't common at all, or, IMO, healthy at all.
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:21 AM
 
12,693 posts, read 10,497,792 times
Reputation: 26771
Quote:
Originally Posted by Djuna View Post
I've never in my entire life met someone who thinks like you. Ever.
Me neither. I went out with guys in my teens and 20s for the fun and/or sex. Any relationships typically evolved from there if there was a mutual desire to see more of each other and get closer.

I can't understand the mindset of people who talk about "relationships" as if they were a distinct item or commodity to be acquired.
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:24 AM
 
26,749 posts, read 16,827,746 times
Reputation: 23873
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa View Post

I can't understand the mindset of people who talk about "relationships" as if they were a distinct item or commodity to be acquired.

One of my buddies seems to thing this phenomenon is primarily prevalent in only children. Can't type out his reasoning right now (as I understood it) but it is something I'm giving thought to now.
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:33 AM
 
Location: In a place beyond human comprehension
5,003 posts, read 2,850,939 times
Reputation: 6956
I wouldn't say I feel ashamed to want a relationship but I do feel kind of weak for letting the fact that I have never had one bother me so much.

I can understand changing your way of thinking after having things drilled into your head since you were a child is very difficult. But you have to start thinking about what YOU want. I believe parents tend to go overboard when raising their children about these types of things but they have your best interest at heart. My family is the opposite of yours. They can't wait until I start dating, my mom has made jokes that I will be with her until I am 90.

I wasn't raised as an independent woman, my parents spoiled me and did everything for me. I was never pushed to do anything. Unfortunately that has led me to become entitled and fearful of how to navigate in the real world because I have no idea what I am doing. My mother is very independent so I am trying to learn from her. I honestly would rather be more career oriented and centered around independence because I am honestly tired of worrying about relationships. It's not fun.

I would not recommend getting into that frame of thought. If a relationship is what you want, go for it. Don't be scared and forget what your parents say. They can't live your life for you. Life is about making mistakes and taking chances. If you keep living in that same bubble you will always feel like you are missing out.

Last edited by Auraliea; 07-11-2014 at 08:07 AM..
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:36 AM
 
Location: Northville, MI
11,882 posts, read 8,876,445 times
Reputation: 6272
You are my sister from another mother.

This is exactly the issues I am dealing with. Internal blocks due to self shame and partial family pressure.

Mom is opening up and wants her son (me) to be independent and control his own future. Meanwhile, dad is not agreeing and says that I should be under his control at all times. This is causing arguments between me and dad, since I tend to agree with mom more than dad on this issue.

Last edited by Adi from the Brunswicks; 07-11-2014 at 07:45 AM..
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Old 07-11-2014, 07:45 AM
 
2,920 posts, read 1,964,025 times
Reputation: 4946
Being independent and being in a relationship are not mutually exclusive. I find it very sad that your parents would have conditioned you to believe that a need for romantic love and partnership indicates a weakness. Presumably, they themselves were married and had children, so why wouldn't they want that for you? Your sense of shame is unusual and very unfortunate.

Have you ever heard of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? It is human to need and want love - regardless of culture or upbringing.

As to your fear of putting yourself out there -- well, that part is totally normal and totally necessary. Without risk, there is no reward.

Best of luck in overcoming this mindset.
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