Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OP , don't be so hard on yourself. I agree with some of the other posts. Try to just be yourself. If you try to hard to flirt it will come across as desperate, or slutty . also try to have your mind in a happy place and talk about fun topics. Never much about kids, work and NEVER EVER your x .
Good luck
For a long time I equated first dates with job interviews. Now I feel I've carried that comparison too far! I'm 46, divorced, two kids. If I am a particular type it is 'girl-next-door'. I don't wear much makeup or show a lot of skin on a first date.
I had what I thought was a nice date last week. I liked the guy and we had MANY interests in common. But he sent a text that said he did not think we are a match.
I was disappointed but not devastated. I don't think he was cerebral enough for me. He will make a woman feel safe and cared for, but I don't think he would be able to get inside my head. I didn't get a sense of what he is really looking for. He is probably too serious for me...did not demonstrate much of a sense of humor. I know there could be a million reasons for his lack of interest, but I can only evaluate my own actions and feelings. When I looked back over the date, I realized, I really don't know how to flirt effectively. We talked a lot about travel, and about his new RV, and about our kids. I probably unconsciously matched his tone and temperament. KWIM?
I do look people in the eyes when I'm engaged by them, and I'm pretty touchy feely, I know I put my hand on his arm at the restaurant. I asked questions and got him to talk about himself. I complimented him subtly. We are both sincere and responsible adults. But as far as steering the conversation in what would be considered a flirty way, I don't really have a clue. And he didn't give me any flirty openings.
In the past I have caught myself being flirty when I'm 1) In a casual environment with people I like 2) when I'm not feeling self conscious 3) When I'm not particularly expecting anything to come of it, as in, I'm not likely to see this person again. And guess what? Those conditions are not usually present on a first date!
I think what we should have talked about: 1) more fun stuff. I want to come across as a person who is fun on a date and not as a person who would love to hop in that RV for a long retirement in Florida. But how do you steer things that way?
2) I probably should get in a habit of complimenting a man on his looks/appearance. I feel awkward about that because it seems so obvious. "Ooohh, you have beautiful blue eyes/dazzling smile/whatever" And to draw attention to a date's looks just draws attention to MY looks and I do NOT have beautiful eyes or a dazzling smile. I'm average looking...no standout features on me, unless you like a good sized rack and long legs, and what gentleman would point that out at a first meet? Which leads me to......
3) If you take the flirty too far, you sound lewd and/or desperate. This works both ways...How do you get sex into the conversation in a subtle way, without sounding like a ****/horndog? I'm not going to invite a first date home, ever. So I think the bait has to be put out there, but you have to dangle him on the line for 2 additional dates.
Ultimately, I think this particular guy and I are too much alike, we both probably need someone a little lighter to balance out our INTJ tendencies. A few weeks ago, I went out with a guy who was relying too much on his gregarious nature and ended up looking somewhat silly to me, and he tried to kiss me on the mouth with his unshaven face, so i guess he sits on the opposite end of that spectrum.
If I really do unconsciously try to match a persons mood/mode/temperament/conversational style, I need to know how to break that pattern.
If anyone has any perspectives on middle aged flirting to share, I'd love to hear them!
I think for any-aged flirting, subtlety works great when welcomed. The guy in the above example sounded like he was being honest. Chemistry and connection can't be forced.
You gottabe you and have a take-it -or- leave-it mentality. You don't even have to try. A guy who finds you funny will naturally flirt in his own way, and you will know.
"I do look people in the eyes when I'm engaged by them, and I'm pretty touchy feely, I know I put my hand on his arm at the restaurant. I asked questions and got him to talk about himself. I complimented him subtly. We are both sincere and responsible adults. But as far as steering the conversation in what would be considered a flirty way, I don't really have a clue. And he didn't give me any flirty openings."
You actually did flirt. All that you stated above is subtle forms of flirting. You really don't need to do more until you are really comfortable with each other, if it gets to be several dates. I practice my "flirt" smile so when I actualy smile at him, it gives me extra energy and makes me blush because I think about my practice.
Maybe it's not the flirting that turns them off. Take a thorough inventory of your date behavior. Is it like reading the same book over and over? If so, something needs to be changed.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
