Flirting just seems so silly! (dates, how to, women, love)

[Stagemomma]

For a long time I equated first dates with job interviews. Now I feel I've carried that comparison too far! I'm 46, divorced, two kids. If I am a particular type it is 'girl-next-door'. I don't wear much makeup or show a lot of skin on a first date.

I had what I thought was a nice date last week. I liked the guy and we had MANY interests in common. But he sent a text that said he did not think we are a match.

I was disappointed but not devastated. I don't think he was cerebral enough for me. He will make a woman feel safe and cared for, but I don't think he would be able to get inside my head. I didn't get a sense of what he is really looking for. He is probably too serious for me...did not demonstrate much of a sense of humor. I know there could be a million reasons for his lack of interest, but I can only evaluate my own actions and feelings. When I looked back over the date, I realized, I really don't know how to flirt effectively. We talked a lot about travel, and about his new RV, and about our kids. I probably unconsciously matched his tone and temperament. KWIM?

I do look people in the eyes when I'm engaged by them, and I'm pretty touchy feely, I know I put my hand on his arm at the restaurant. I asked questions and got him to talk about himself. I complimented him subtly. We are both sincere and responsible adults. But as far as steering the conversation in what would be considered a flirty way, I don't really have a clue. And he didn't give me any flirty openings.

In the past I have caught myself being flirty when I'm 1) In a casual environment with people I like 2) when I'm not feeling self conscious 3) When I'm not particularly expecting anything to come of it, as in, I'm not likely to see this person again. And guess what? Those conditions are not usually present on a first date!

I think what we should have talked about: 1) more fun stuff. I want to come across as a person who is fun on a date and not as a person who would love to hop in that RV for a long retirement in Florida. But how do you steer things that way?

2) I probably should get in a habit of complimenting a man on his looks/appearance. I feel awkward about that because it seems so obvious. "Ooohh, you have beautiful blue eyes/dazzling smile/whatever" And to draw attention to a date's looks just draws attention to MY looks and I do NOT have beautiful eyes or a dazzling smile. I'm average looking...no standout features on me, unless you like a good sized rack and long legs, and what gentleman would point that out at a first meet? Which leads me to......

3) If you take the flirty too far, you sound lewd and/or desperate. This works both ways...How do you get sex into the conversation in a subtle way, without sounding like a ****/horndog? I'm not going to invite a first date home, ever. So I think the bait has to be put out there, but you have to dangle him on the line for 2 additional dates.

Ultimately, I think this particular guy and I are too much alike, we both probably need someone a little lighter to balance out our INTJ tendencies. A few weeks ago, I went out with a guy who was relying too much on his gregarious nature and ended up looking somewhat silly to me, and he tried to kiss me on the mouth with his unshaven face, so i guess he sits on the opposite end of that spectrum.

If I really do unconsciously try to match a persons mood/mode/temperament/conversational style, I need to know how to break that pattern.

If anyone has any perspectives on middle aged flirting to share, I'd love to hear them!

[emouse]

Just be yourself. Yes, you should probably give him a compliment. But on his clothes or cologne. Not so much his eyes, etc... Be nice, but keep some boundaries on the first date. Let him know you are attracted to spending time with him. If it works out, then tell him you like his looks on the second or third date. Otherwise it could complicate things.

If you just relax and be yourself, then you can't end up with someone who thought you were more. Or different. Or whatever. It is hard over time to live up to anything but who you really are. You also need to pay attention to who they are. After all. You don't want to end up in a relationship that you start to wish you could get out of.

[Auraliea]

I think it would just be easier if there weren't so many guidelines.

People should just be themselves and let everything happen naturally.

[srjth]

Don't be hard on yourself. Alternatives may be, he may have been looking for quick and easy sex and realized you were not like that, or he may have thought he could never make you happy (insecure) and decided not to go further. People get scared.

[Ruth4Truth]

Why would you want to introduce sex into the conversation on the first date? Flirting isn't about talking about sex, it's about the energy you project.

That said, though, most men are happy with a woman who listens and takes an interest in what he says. And for all you know, it may not have been the conversation. Maybe you're just not his type looks-wise. It could be any random thing. Don't stress. When things click naturally, that's the guy you want to see again.

[cindersslipper]

Oh honey, life should not be that hard.

You either flirt, or you don't. There's no hard and fast rule.

I'm of the opinion that the right guy will adore you either way. You'll just CLICK whether you've made cow eyes or not.

Unless you want to occupy your time with ground beef until the filet comes along?

In which case, it doesn't really matter what you do.

So, essentially, just be yourself like everyone else has said.

Flirting is incredibly easy though, I would be embarrassed to flirt with just anyone but if I'm attracted, I'm flirting, can't help it. Its in my nature.

[Mikala43]

Meh. I'm an INTJ and really don't flirt conventionally. There is a cerebral type of flirtation and that's more of my thing, and it sounds like yours too. The only difference is that it sounds like I am more of a feminine type, I'm not the girl next door.

He just sounds like he is not a good match for you. Don't fret over the ones your not interested in, it just frees you up for you to find one you ARE interested in. BUT, everyone wants someone who is genuinely INTERESTED in them, so find a way to convey that in a way you are comfortable with.

[rbohm]

some good advice, the best though is, be yourself. dont try to force anything, compliments, flirting, jokes, what ever.

if there is something about your date that you like, tell them. you dont have to say that they are the most handsome guy you have met, but perhaps you do like the look of his eyes, no sin in telling him that. ot perhaps you like the particular shirt he chose to wear, again let him know that.

regarding flirting, as noted it isnt about sex, but rather about interest. women tend to flirt on a subconscious level, doing things like playing with their hair, touching the guys arm, licking their lips, etc. guys on the other hand tend to make suggestive comments. again its not about sex, but it is about interest in the other person.

as for being cerebral, i wont go that far on a first date, unless she indicates that she is actually into more intelligent conversation. i have found that most women are not as into high intellectual conversation as they initially let on.

[srjth]

Originally Posted by cindersslipper

O
I'm of the opinion that the right guy will adore you either way. You'll just CLICK whether you've made cow eyes or not.

This is so true.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by Mikala43

Meh. I'm an INTJ and really don't flirt conventionally.

If I recall correctly, it's a hallmark of INTJ's that they think flirting is silly, lol. Nothing to worry about, OP.