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So true. Like OLD, even if someone looks good they might get passed by because of something they said or didn't say in their profile. People want this perfect match for what they like, instead of meeting someone and finding things to like together.
Of course, I reckon people want to be a compatible fit with their partner. I passed over a lot of profiles for a variety of reasons. I didn't just want someone I was attracted to and only marginally or barely compatible with in every other respect. It has little to do with desiring a "perfect match" and a lot to do with that thing called compatibility.
Of course, I reckon people want to be a compatible fit with their partner. I passed over a lot of profiles for a variety of reasons. I didn't just want someone I was attracted to and only marginally or barely compatible with in every other respect. It has little to do with desiring a "perfect match" and a lot to do with that thing called compatibility.
These are the situations where I believe most people teeter totter on. After a while you get tired of looking for your good match and sometimes you just want to get out and socialize with someone and hope for the best. The best could mean just relaxing conversaton or end up in several dates. However, looking for a good match is top priority for most people.
Aftermarket tuners of high-performance cars like to say: "Speed costs money. You can have fast, reliable or cheap. Pick any two". Likewise, I'd say: dating requires luck, skill/talent/marketable qualities, and determination. Possess all three, and you'll do fine. Possess any two, and success will eventually be forthcoming. Have only one, and you'll struggle. Be bereft of all three, and you're doomed.
Luck is the key ingredient whenever some deficiency needs to be overcome. The game of chess is largely devoid of luck, but if my opponent has a potential crushing move, but happens not to see it, well, that's my good luck. I'm lucky if I operate dangerous machinery without proper protective equipment, and nothing goes wrong, so I don't get injured. I'm lucky if I arrive late to the airport, but my flight happened to be delayed, so I made it onboard anyway. Luck is when a dumb and acerbic remark is carelessly uttered in a high-level meeting, but the boss happened not to have heard it. Luck is walking through a patch of poison-ivy-infested bushes while wearing shorts, but managing to escape contact with the plants.
In reality, we all fail to take proper precautions and thereby court failure; it's inevitable. When we don't fail, but perhaps ought to have, well, that's our good luck.
Exactly....too much emphasis is placed on the profile. Some people aren't good with writing a profile. Because they don't feel comfortable describing themselves they may come across as being someone they aren't. Some may be too good at it. They may paint themselves in a much more attractive way then they are in person. In both cases, you aren't getting the real picture of the person, unless you date them. Only after spending time with them, can a true assessment be made.
Two examples:
1. I am an active divorced male who enjoys experiencing what life has to offer. While I am invested in my business, I won't let it impact the joy I have for life. While I have many responsibilities, I have realized that a balance is critical for my inner peace. I stay active and enjoy mountain biking, boarding, hiking, and playing sports. I also enjoy traveling and take multi week vacations throughout the year. I have a healthy lifestyle and seek the same from a partner. I am mostly attracted to women who have a healthy appearance, she should have a flair about herself, which emulates success in life.
2. Successful business man seeks partner to enjoy the great things life has to offer. I enjoy quiet times at home, as well as being active outdoors. Travel is important to me, and I'd like to find a person who is able to take trips abroad, where we can experience how other cultures celebrate life. I would like to meet women who are happy with life, and seek a partner to enhance it.
Both profiles are from the same person, but not surprisingly, the second profile brings a lot more interest. Ridiculously more, about 10-1
By being less specific, the second profile opens the door to more people. Go out and meet the ones who may not necessarily meet every expectation. You may be surprised who shows up for that coffee, they could be a total fraud, or could be the person you've been looking for....I like coffee meets, and typically schedule them so we can go to lunch or dinner if it seems right. It only takes 30 minutes out of the day. If you can't invest that much time, you aren't ready to date.
And yet, I wouldn't show any interest in the second profile. I'm not one for brevity. I would know that individual is not a match regardless of the profile set up, but I definitely wouldn't be drawn in by the second write up. Not at all.
It's true that some profiles are better written than others, but those I was typically matched with, high matches, had pretty good, quite detailed, profiles. And I knew to expect that from higher matches given the demographic these men tended to be.
Of course, I reckon people want to be a compatible fit with their partner. I passed over a lot of profiles for a variety of reasons. I didn't just want someone I was attracted to and only marginally or barely compatible with in every other respect. It has little to do with desiring a "perfect match" and a lot to do with that thing called compatibility.
What you are saying has merit, but you have to realize that some people may not be good at describing themselves. Maybe they omitted things that you may be totally compatible with. And on the flip side, maybe the profiles you read, were not really who that person is, and you are falsely drawn to them. In both cases, you could never find out, unless you actually meet them in person. IMO 30 minutes in the day, and a $20 investment for coffee, is well worth the chance.
Lets say you have done the bar scene and that's not your thing. You enjoy going home and relaxing. So you are looking for a person who isn't the most physically active. She isn't into the bar scene, she enjoys going home and reading a book. So a profile such as:
Active woman who likes to bike, hike and ski. Career woman focused on goals in life. Although curling on the sofa and enjoying a good book is great, I enjoy spending the evening exploring what city life has to offer.
Because she said she likes exploring the city, and likes to bike, hike and ski, you think, she is too active. But in truth, she stays at home much more than you think. And going to the city means, checking out a gallery opening, or having a quiet dinner at a new restaurant. And biking, hiking, and skiing, aren't really what you envision. She actually bikes to the corner store for milk. Hikes early in the morning around a lake. And skiing is something she can do, but hasn't done for years. Career woman focused on goals, doesn't always mean career driven, just means that she has a path, and she is taking it. IDK, it seems that what may look incompatible on the surface was actually very compatible, but because she wrote a profile that wasn't exactly a great description, that she has already taken herself out of contention.
And yet, I wouldn't show any interest in the second profile. I'm not one for brevity. I would know that individual is not a match regardless of the profile set up, but I definitely wouldn't be drawn in by the second write up. Not at all.
It's true that some profiles are better written than others, but those I was typically matched with, high matches, had pretty good, quite detailed, profiles. And I knew to expect that from higher matches given the demographic these men tended to be.
Of those who had detailed profiles which were good matches, how many did you date, and found to be accurate? And if they were so compatible, why did they not work out?
What you are saying has merit, but you have to realize that some people may not be good at describing themselves. Maybe they omitted things that you may be totally compatible with. And on the flip side, maybe the profiles you read, were not really who that person is, and you are falsely drawn to them. In both cases, you could never find out, unless you actually meet them in person. IMO 30 minutes in the day, and a $20 investment for coffee, is well worth the chance.
Lets say you have done the bar scene and that's not your thing. You enjoy going home and relaxing. So you are looking for a person who isn't the most physically active. She isn't into the bar scene, she enjoys going home and reading a book. So a profile such as:
Active woman who likes to bike, hike and ski. Career woman focused on goals in life. Although curling on the sofa and enjoying a good book is great, I enjoy spending the evening exploring what city life has to offer.
Because she said she likes exploring the city, and likes to bike, hike and ski, you think, she is too active. But in truth, she stays at home much more than you think. And going to the city means, checking out a gallery opening, or having a quiet dinner at a new restaurant. And biking, hiking, and skiing, aren't really what you envision. She actually bikes to the corner store for milk. Hikes early in the morning around a lake. And skiing is something she can do, but hasn't done for years. Career woman focused on goals, doesn't always mean career driven, just means that she has a path, and she is taking it. IDK, it seems that what may look incompatible on the surface was actually very compatible, but because she wrote a profile that wasn't exactly a great description, that she has already taken herself out of contention.
So are you saying that vague is the new black? An overly detailed profile tends to throw people off, since it tends to put focus on the writer truly wanting to date themselves. Most would prefer to date someone that isn't a mirror image of themselves.
Not enough detail is tough to work around as well. Everyone tends to say that they can't seem to spark much of a conversation with a person's profile, because it's too vague in nature. I'm not saying using the statement "Jusk Ask" and heavily putting weight on their looks, but a profile that's just so limited in information.
Would you say more people are afraid of what likely won't happen while doing online dating (raped, robbed, murdered), compared to what could happen (a fulfilling relationship)? It seems the bad has been heavily focused on for a while now. Bad dates are just going to happen, but you have to be willing to keep going out and trying. You're not going to get ahead by continuously complaining about your date not working out.
What you are saying has merit, but you have to realize that some people may not be good at describing themselves. Maybe they omitted things that you may be totally compatible with.
Oh, this has been the case in a number of situations. I came across men who omitted things they thought or knew the majority of women wouldn't be into. The stereotypical nerdy or geeky things. And that's the thing, for men I can see why it would make sense to write their profile in such a way to attract a wider group of people or audience. Being too niche or specific can hurt one's objective to attract women and receive messages. However, there's the argument that omitting such things means one isn't presenting who they truly are, and would rather present something else to appeal to the larger majority. Is that really effective in the long run, especially if makes for incompatibility in matches?
Quote:
And on the flip side, maybe the profiles you read, were not really who that person is, and you are falsely drawn to them. In both cases, you could never find out, unless you actually meet them in person. IMO 30 minutes in the day, and a $20 investment for coffee, is well worth the chance.
Of the profiles/people I was drawn to or dated, the vast majority were who the portrayed themselves to be. I also never did coffee dates in the 2.5 years, on and off, I spent in the online dating scene. Only in the beginning, the first seven months and a few months later on, did I have a more casual approach to it. But I found that boring after a while because it didn't fit my style. I became much more selective overtime, and had to choose more carefully who I invested my time with.
Quote:
Lets say you have done the bar scene and that's not your thing. You enjoy going home and relaxing. So you are looking for a person who isn't the most physically active. She isn't into the bar scene, she enjoys going home and reading a book. So a profile such as:
Active woman who likes to bike, hike and ski. Career woman focused on goals in life. Although curling on the sofa and enjoying a good book is great, I enjoy spending the evening exploring what city life has to offer.
Because she said she likes exploring the city, and likes to bike, hike and ski, you think, she is too active. But in truth, she stays at home much more than you think. And going to the city means, checking out a gallery opening, or having a quiet dinner at a new restaurant. And biking, hiking, and skiing, aren't really what you envision. She actually bikes to the corner store for milk. Hikes early in the morning around a lake. And skiing is something she can do, but hasn't done for years. Career woman focused on goals, doesn't always mean career driven, just means that she has a path, and she is taking it. IDK, it seems that what may look incompatible on the surface was actually very compatible, but because she wrote a profile that wasn't exactly a great description, that she has already taken herself out of contention.
But these aren't things that would stick out in terms of judging compatibility. In my observations, if someone puts something in their profile, such as various activities, they either actively do them or wish they did on a more regular basis. I didn't include anything in my profile that I don't actively participate in. So while it was common to include various activities in one's profile, such as outdoorsy activities, traveling and the like, I didn't list these because these aren't activities I engage in. Actually, I sarcastically made note of this in a section of my profile as a way to make it known that I don't actively pursue such activities (yoga, wall climbing, wrestling wild animals, camping, sky diving, etc.), activities that are cliche in dating profiles. I made sure not to misrepresent myself.
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Originally Posted by 1w0n
Of those who had detailed profiles which were good matches, how many did you date, and found to be accurate? And if they were so compatible, why did they not work out?
The very first guy I went out with had a pretty detailed profile. We dated briefly, and kept in touch here and there over the course of those 2.5 years. It didn't go further at the time because I was in the early stages of getting a sense of the dating scene and was figuring out what I was looking for. Also, when I was "ready" he was dealing with his own things, and then when he was ready I was in another relationship.
The second guy had a fairly long profile, and we dated casually on and off. We didn't move forward due to the circumstances at the time. I was in an open marriage, and while he said he was fine with it at first, he fell for me and realized he wanted more, as in the "real deal" in his eyes. And I can see why, he was 42 at the time, and was looking to settle down. We also kept in touch here and there.
The next guy, his profile was fairly detailed in the areas that needed to be, and that's to say he knew what to write to attract/appeal to a specific audience. We were together for about 9 months, and later did the off and on thing for a few months. We were actually very compatible, extremely so, but he was dealing with separation/financial issues, prolonged job search and became depressed. I went out with another gentleman whose profile I really liked, and there was some chemistry, but it wouldn't have worked since I was planning to move back to my home state in the coming months.
The one that followed, we were together for 6 months. He also had a very detailed profile, and was very selective. We broke up after that time due to challenges with blending our families. After we broke up I was fine just interacting and meeting new people, and while I was somewhat selective, I just wanted to get a feel for the dating scene in San Diego. Well, over the course of so many months I discovered it wasn't my scene, as the culture was very different from what I was accustomed to before, as were the matches. I did go out on many dates, and briefly dated a guy whose profile wasn't as detailed, but we did have chemistry in some areas.
The men I dated who had detailed or lengthy profiles actually were as they portrayed themselves to be. They didn't list or share anything that was false or a misrepresentation. If they stated they were big into gaming, it meant just that. If they stated there were writers, enjoyed table-top gaming, sci-fi, fantasy, that was true. If they shared they weren't religious and were socially progressive, that was true, too. I wasn't drawn to profiles that fell outside specific niche areas because I know what I like and am drawn to. I know what sort of lifestyle is compatible with my own.
I did come across really awesome profiles, often creative and lengthy, but it didn't go anywhere due to a lack of compatibility in other key areas. For instance, the longest profile I came across was of a very highly educated and attractive businessman. He was in his mid 40's. He was clearly well-read, intelligent, a wordsmith (huge turn on for me), progressive, non-vanilla, artistic, deliberate, etc. He's the type that does extremely well in the dating scene. We didn't have the highest match percentage, but that was due to how we answered key questions, and those questions centered around relationship objectives and lifestyle. This gentleman was polyamorous. He was in a polyamorous marriage, which I am very familiar with and completely support. I just wasn't looking to date someone who is attached, but he was very interested in me for quite some time and we interacted with each other over the course of so many months.
Another guy had a lengthy and quirky profile. I was drawn to it, and we exchanged messages, bantered back and forth for months. But I knew we were at different places in life. These two had the most memorable profiles/matches in San Diego. I had a lot more matches in other metro and progressive cities, especially the Bay Area, PNW and D.C.
My husband's profile was slightly longer than mine, which was pretty long. It was quite detailed. We both saved our profiles. His was definitely an accurate representation of his personality, ideology, life goals, interests, what he was looking for, his thinking process, etc. Just from my observation, the introverted types tended to have lengthier and more detailed profiles, and often preferred or enjoyed the same. While "concise and to the point" is often the suggestion from "experts," that suggestion didn't make much sense to me. I disobeyed, but it didn't hurt my success at all. It improved it, actually. But I'm not the type to really talk about myself. So only a portion of my profile was about me, and the rest centered around a specific theme or tone I was going for that appealed to a specific demographic.
So are you saying that vague is the new black? An overly detailed profile tends to throw people off, since it tends to put focus on the writer truly wanting to date themselves. Most would prefer to date someone that isn't a mirror image of themselves.
Not enough detail is tough to work around as well. Everyone tends to say that they can't seem to spark much of a conversation with a person's profile, because it's too vague in nature. I'm not saying using the statement "Jusk Ask" and heavily putting weight on their looks, but a profile that's just so limited in information.
Would you say more people are afraid of what likely won't happen while doing online dating (raped, robbed, murdered), compared to what could happen (a fulfilling relationship)? It seems the bad has been heavily focused on for a while now. Bad dates are just going to happen, but you have to be willing to keep going out and trying. You're not going to get ahead by continuously complaining about your date not working out.
I think that an overly detailed profile can turn a reader off, and that it will be more of a negative force, than a positive one. IMO, when someone goes into such detail, they aren't going to give me a chance. Not that I am someone they aren't looking for, but it's pretty hard to hit on someone's list 100%. And when someone takes the time to make that list, if you aren't a 100% match then you tend to feel that not liking horses, not having a dog, not having an advanced degree, or not being a practicing catholic, will disqualify a person. With that long list who knows what the deal breaker would be. My point is that the same person may have gotten kicked by a horse, had a dog, but lost it, has a BA, but has a successful company, is spiritual but doesn't go to church, so they miss out.
Depends on how vague I guess. But I've met women who were perfectly acceptable in compatibility with me, who had very vague profiles. Usually, they are new members who have these types, but I have met a couple who were not interested in meeting a husband, and they said they kept their profiles vague for that reason. They wanted to meet a variety of men, because they were out to have fun. Dating is fun, as long as you take it as it comes. If you have attraction, and compatibility you go on another date. If you begin to have chemistry, you go on more, etc....
I'm not sure what the root problem is. In truth, you take a chance anytime you meet someone for a first date, but that's why you don't have people come to your house on the first one. You are right about the bad dates, and dwelling on them. It's a crippling experience for so many it seems like. Bad dates are going to happen, and like you say, you have to keep trying.
And yet, I wouldn't show any interest in the second profile. I'm not one for brevity. I would know that individual is not a match regardless of the profile set up, but I definitely wouldn't be drawn in by the second write up. Not at all.
Agreed. The first profile sounded to be more genuine and sincere. The second was riddled with cliches and evinced lack of imagination.
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Originally Posted by weezerfan84
So are you saying that vague is the new black? An overly detailed profile tends to throw people off, since it tends to put focus on the writer truly wanting to date themselves.
Well, it so happens that what I'm seeking is a female version of myself (though perhaps a bit more patient and less arrogant). I'm a quirky person, seeking another quirky person. My profile gives almost no factual information about myself, instead spewing all sorts of aphoristic philosophy. It reads like a cross between Ecclesiastes and Also Sprach Zarathustra. It says nothing about pets, hobbies or recreation, or "playing games". It mentions career almost as if working and earning are a plaything in which we indulge to forestall boredom, and in some regards I mean precisely that. It reads as if life itself were optional, an experiment run on ourselves. It's so self-effacing that it reaches all the way around and perhaps comes across as being insufferably arrogant. It mentions no desired character traits of a potential mate, save for introspection and kind of fatalistic detachment. The ad would appeal to somebody who emerged last week from the rubble of the Battle of Stalingrad, who's become inured to the normal passions that make normal humans normal; because, well, that's the sort of woman whom I'm seeking.
It would indeed be very lucky to find somebody interested in such a profile. But what is the alternative? I mentioned earlier that luck fills gaps in our enthusiasm or understanding.
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