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This book was recommended to me to read and I thought I'd share some points I've gleaned from it thus far:
1. The greatest predictor of whether a marriage will be successful is how the couple handles conflict or disagreements. Wait, I already said that in the title, didn't I? Oh well, I'm saying it again and this time, adding that the book says that there is more than oneway to handle conflict in a marriage that is successful (3 ways to be precise). You'll have to read the book to find out the three different ways. It claims that any other way leads to divorce. It describes them in a fair amount of detail. A couple of them surprised me.
2. Along with proper conflict management, there must be a PRECISE ratio of positive (not neutral, positive) moments vs. negative moments together that is 5:1. Anything more or less will result in divorce. Again, read the book if you want more details.
3. If one or both of the couple starts experiencing one of The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or withdrawal, you're on a slippery slope that will lead to divorce. The book gives ways to identify and avoid this.
If done right, all of these things make the couple feel like their marriage is good/happy, even if not perfect, and, therefore, they stay together forever.
This is how the book defines a successful marriage.
Does it go into maintaining intimacy/sex etc? Or is it assumed that if conflict is handled properly, that those issues can too be discussed in a productive way?
My wife and I have a pretty good sex life, and also try to maintain physical intimacy outside of intercourse, such as trying to kiss and even "make out" at times - which many couples don't do anymore. It keeps us interested in each other.
When we're having a "dry spell" intimately, we do seem to argue more - nothing major typically, but we do seem to be a bit more on each others' nerves than when our sex life is running high. Not sure the cause/effect, but they may actually play off each other somewhat.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperDave72
When we're having a "dry spell" intimately, we do seem to argue more - nothing major typically, but we do seem to be a bit more on each others' nerves than when our sex life is running high. Not sure the cause/effect, but they may actually play off each other somewhat.
I think most couples are like this. When there's a lack of intimacy there are feeling of resentment and the closeness of being a couple dwindles. Anyone that says intimacy is not important in a relationship is either a dried up old prune or fooling themselves.
Well yeah I think how to problem solve and how to handle conflict are important because most people bail out on relationship due to a problem and not working together on it. That's part of the reason I will never live with someone until I am legally married.
The handling of conflicts is really putting the cart before the horse. If you have mutual values, it really cuts down on the number of conflicts you'll have in the first place. If you have mutual respect, then you will discuss whatever differences you have like two civilized adults.
And if you have mutual chemistry, you'll have great make-up sex, which means you'll forget what you were arguing about in the first place.
John Gottman has researched couples for decades in the Pacific Northwest. He literally invites them to his home (laboratory), plugs them in audio, video, and a number of other graphs (sweat, heart rate, blood pressure), and lets them go pretend they are home from Friday night to Sunday night. His theories are borne out time and again. He puts a big emphasis on communication. I've used his books in session as bibliotherapy. Yeah, he's right on.
Does it go into maintaining intimacy/sex etc? Or is it assumed that if conflict is handled properly, that those issues can too be discussed in a productive way?
My wife and I have a pretty good sex life, and also try to maintain physical intimacy outside of intercourse, such as trying to kiss and even "make out" at times - which many couples don't do anymore. It keeps us interested in each other.
When we're having a "dry spell" intimately, we do seem to argue more - nothing major typically, but we do seem to be a bit more on each others' nerves than when our sex life is running high. Not sure the cause/effect, but they may actually play off each other somewhat.
The book said that more sex does necessarily not make a better marriage. It said that what matters more is that you are in agreement on what is acceptable in regards to sex (i.e. frequency of sex and kind of sex, etc).
Sex is just one of the potential things, albeit a common one, that couples can have conflict over. What matters is how you handle the conflict about sex, and it has to be in one of the 3 ways the book described in order for the marriage to be successful.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kin Atoms
John Gottman has researched couples for decades in the Pacific Northwest. He literally invites them to his home (laboratory), plugs them in audio, video, and a number of other graphs (sweat, heart rate, blood pressure), and lets them go pretend they are home from Friday night to Sunday night. His theories are borne out time and again. He puts a big emphasis on communication. I've used his books in session as bibliotherapy. Yeah, he's right on.
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and this time, adding that the book says that there is more than one way to handle conflict in a marriage that is successful (3 ways to be precise). You'll have to read the book to find out the three different ways. It claims that any other way leads to divorce. It describes them in a fair amount of detail. A couple of them surprised me.
